Will you be bringing a date tonight, sir?
It’s never anything less than a pleasure and a joy to hear from a member of the ever-growing Interestment family, and today it’s the turn of Steve – a funny man with football on his mind. He had this to say about tonight’s matches and more…
England play football tonight and the question on everyone’s lips is “who will play up front with granny’s favourite footballer, Wayne Rooney? Big lad Heskey or pocket rocket Defoe?” Fabio has already flipped a coin, had a game of paper, scissors, stone with himself and played eenie, meenie, miney, mo with his bare toes before sitting down and making an actual decision, but he’s not letting on…..or is he?
“I think it’s not important to be tall or small, it’s important the movement you do,” coughed the Italian, his eyes shifting around from side to side.
It seems he’s had us all fooled, but the proof is right there – he’s going for the greatest mover of them all, the Robot Master Peter Crouch! The Croatians will be no match for the lanky tit from Spurs, who is such a good mover that he even danced the lovely Abbey Clancy into bed. In fact she’s still so impressed by his gormless bodypopping that she’s agreed to marry the lurching beanpole! Forget scoring goals, that is true power.
Over in Argentina, Carlo Tevez’s mother, Diego Maradona, is facing the chop as his side slumped 3-1 to arch enemies Brazil. The team in gold even rubbed salt into the gaping wound by letting the wonderfully big boned Adriano onto the pitch, presumably to wander around panting and looking for scraps of food. He went hungry, bless him, as he couldn’t physically bend down for fear of his impressive gut exploding.
Things got personal in France as the beautiful Thierry Henry attacked his manager’s hair:
“… there is no style, no guidance and no identity.”
He had threatened to enlist the help of Gillette buddies Roger Federer and Tiger Woods to help shave his head but both declined, saying they liked the Donald Sutherland look. As do we.
And finally, George Burley bit back at all his critics by revealing his masterplan for International football:
“I haven’t got a clue and I’m not really worried.”
The Braveheart spirit lives on.
Prepare the champagne!
It’s never anything less than a total and utter joy to hear from a member of the growing Interestment family, and today we welcome back Eliot – a magnificent football writer with a busy, whirring mind. He had this to say about the looming Premier League season…
The new season. All that sweat and hard labour for busy footballers who really don’t have the time for it all. The cost to supporters of nine months travel up and down the country. All those Saturday night television hours that could be put to better use with shows such as Hole in the Wall. They might as well call the whole thing off – we here at Interestment know how it will finish anyway.
League Table 2010 (in 10 words)
The best team last year will have learnt from mistakes.
Arshavin Arshavin Arshavin Arshavin. You get the idea with that.
3. Manchester United
16 single-goal wins last season. 18 goals lost to Real.
Mourinho only Premiership winner on debut. Ancelotti not as special.
Moyes’s twelve month audition for the Utd job. Added incentive.
6. Manchester City
How many of the newbies would start for Manchester United?
7. Aston Villa
Captain retired. Vice-captain gone too. Best chance in the cups.
8. Tottenham Hostpur
Huntelaar, Young, Vieira all targeted. Sheffield United players arrived instead.
Thin squad may suffer from a lengthy Europa League run.
10. Blackburn Rovers
1.3 point average under Allardyce in 08/09. Enough for mid-table.
11. Bolton Wanderers
If Elmander settles, Bolton’s frontmen will ensure another decent season.
12. West Ham United
Defend well unlike many teams around them. Clarke’s influence critical.
Darren Bent scores goals wherever he goes. Money well spent.
Strong Cup showings last season against Premiership opposition bodes well.
15. Birmingham City
Will benefit from one of the weakest Premier Leagues ever.
16. Stoke City
Second season syndrome a factor but should still have enough.
17. Wigan Athletic
Lost many good players. Martinez should just keep them up.
Disarray defined as Portsmouth in the Oxford Dictionary. 09/10’s Toon.
19. Wolverhampton Wanderers
No Premiership experience. Experience of Premiership relegation doesn’t really count.
20. Hull City
The surprise factor well and truly departed. Down by Easter.
No, not that kind of window, old chap, the Transfer Window!
It’s with the usual mug of the hot stuff and total elation that we big good morning to our excellent football writer Eliot. Today, it’s all about those crazy Man United guys…
What they need
More than one would first think actually. Despite being reigning champions, the ’09 title owed more to winter deficiencies at Anfield, than a particularly special United team. Just four wins from twelve league matches against the six clubs closest to them in the table, a remarkable hiding at home to Liverpool, and an equally ego-shredding final against Barca tell a more accurate story. A striker to replace Angel from Big Brother would be a start, but it is in midifeld where one feels Fergie is yet to find the right balance. If as looks likely, Wayne Rooney will play in a more central capacity next season, United, a team notorious over the past two decades for their rampant wing play, will look severely deficient in that area. The glory days of Sharpe, Giggs, Kanchelsklis, Ronaldo et al will seem a fair distance ago.
Who they don’t need
Sulking, energy-efficient strutting around the field is very 1990s. Dimitar Berbatov scored just two winning goals last season, and most of his champagne moments tended to come in situations where United were already comfortable, against a poor side.
Real Madrid. Despite promising United fans last summer that he wouldn’t “sell them a virus”, Fergie ended up selling them something much worse in Cristiano Ronaldo. In the aftermath of a humiliating Champions League Final, the score is very much La Liga 2 United 0.
Inevitably linked with
Karim Benzema. Franck Ribery. Clayton Blackmore.
Any other business
Rio‘s back. Or is he? United’s most critical player struggled through the closing stages of last season, and was a shadow of his true self against Barca. If his spinal situation fails to clear, it won’t take long before the world realises that it is he, and not Ronaldo, who is United’s most valuable player.
Not that kind of window, our kid, the Transfer Window!
It’s with a nice bowl of Sugar Puffs and a kind smile that we welcome Eliot back into the fold. Today, he’s continuing his excellent Transfer Window series with a look at the multi-billionaires at Man City…
What they need
Ah – the old problem of what to get the kid who has everything. Well everything bar silverware, class, or any obvious strategy of how to turn itself into a top 4 club. Whatever they need, City will just continue their method of approaching a seven year old in the street and asking him to name ten footballers, before tabling bids for all of them.
Who they don’t need
We’re all familiar with the sensation of traipsing into a hotel, unpacking the suitcase, and discovering an old pair of swimming trunks from a previous holiday. This torturous metaphor could equally be applied to Darius Vassell, the forgotten man who has magically been dragged along in the billionaire Manchester City adventure. Benjani, Javi Garrido and Michael Ball will also hope to stay out of sight, and cheekily remain at the bottom of the case too.
Kaka. The very public rejection of City by a man who is willing however to believe that a man once turned water into wine, was a real nadir for the City ‘project’ last January. Since which time, Gary Cook etc have been more careful, concentrating on approaching players they know they have a chance with, although there remains a real whiff of BB10‘s Sree in City’s transfer dealings.
Inevitably linked with
Tevez. Eto’o. Villa.
Any other business
Having shown no signs of being able to manage the colossal egos of Robinho and Elano last season, doubts must surely remain as to how Mark Hughes will deal with the new influx of professional troublemakers who pitch up at Eastlands this summer. The press like Hughes, and consequently there were few questions asked last year as to how he managed a lower finish than Sven, despite shpritzing close to £100m on his team. This year his luck may run out.
No room for these particular lookalikes…
Some people literally spend their entire lives staring thoughtfully at pictures of Phil Neville or Wayne Rooney, pondering which particular screen monster they should lump them alongside this time. It’s a great way of becoming a popular face in football circles – a finely judged facial observation about Michael Ballack can diffuse fights in pubs, start chit chat that eventually leads to sex with hairdressers, or simply make your mates laugh until they vomit Becks Vier all over the pavement. With that in mind, we thought we’d compile our own well-observed team of football lookalikes… sick bags ready, people.
Goalkeeper, David James
Once he decides to hang up his slippery gloves, David James presumably has a second career lined up as an underpants model. He’s spent years sculpting a body that would tighten Michelangelo’s loin cloth, and above is his lookalike, also called David. Big hands. Very big hands.
Right Back, Gary Neville
Fans of The Wire or Generation Kill might have noticed the above Gary Neville-alike. He’s called James Ransone, and, like young Gary, he tends to play psychotics.
Centre Back, Jonathan Woodgate
Brilliantly, we’ve decided that Jonathan Woodgate is a bit like a mummy, because he’s sometimes got a bandage on his leg. Hilarious.
Centre Back, Olof Melberg
We’ve deemed the legendary maniac Charles Manson to be the 1960s cult leader equivalent of the defender Olof Melberg. Both seem to share a similar steely hollowness in the eye, and, yes, beards.
Left Back, Ashley Cole
This might be a little harsh on Osama, but both men really are quite unpopular with the fans. Bin Laden for the whole international terrorism thing, Cole for steamrollering a hairdresser behind his wife’s back, pausing mid-coitus to spew, then carrying on. Rancid.
Right Midfield, David Beckham
Above football, Beckham prides himself on having fantastic hair and in his armory is a finely tuned smoulder that he pulls out of the bag during photo shoots. Not unlike a certain Fabio (above).
Centre Midfield, Joey Barton
Once in a while, a character will return to a soap, but played by a different actor. Needless to say, the hardcore viewers go mental. However, were Martin Fowler to trundle back to Albert Square, played by Merseyside’s favourite son Joey Barton, literally no one would notice. Until he nutted Dot for fluffing a line.
Centre Midfield, Frank Lampard
Never anything less than well turned out, Lampsie totters around a football pitch like a poodle walking into an exclusive dogs-only drinks party.
Left Midfield, Ronaldinho
Lots of people laugh about how Ronaldinho looks a bit like Jar Jar Binks, and how he could probably eat a grapefruit through a slot machine, but we tend to think of him as the exact mirror reflection of Chris Rock in the hilarious hip hop spoof, CB4.
Centre Forward, Carlos Tevez
Up front, Tevez just nudges out his team mate Wayne Rooney, thanks to his startling resemblance to the handsome young actor who plays Ugly Betty in the sitcom Ugly Betty.
Centre Forward, Peter Crouch
Stop a frightened old man in the street and demand that he describes Peter Crouch in three words, and he will definitely say Tall, Hapless, and Louche. Exactly the same three he used to describe Lurch from The Addams Family a week ago.