Someone’s feeling better…
There is no better way to show the world that the mumbling voices in your mind have been silenced than by hitting a holiday resort and slipping into a nice sexy bikini. Just look at Britney Spears. Not long ago she was a screaming maniac with a scalp as bald as a teenager’s elbow, and there was serious talk around hot showbiz desks about whether to start working on a dour obituary or not. Some remote corners of sick society were even taking bets on who would croak first, her or Winehouse. But now, you can totally remove Britney from that particular gamble, that you very much – or perhaps just replace her with Mischa Barton? – because the woman is completely fine. In fact, she’s so fine that important celebrity reporters have been astonished by her nice figure, and one even noted that she wore three completely different bikinis on three consecutive days. Time was when she’d barely change her knickers. Were she even bothering with them.
In other important celebrity updates, Elle McPherson has committed the schoolgirl error of repeatedly turning up at important events wearing outfits already seen on Posh Spice – cringe! And Jennifer Ellison – the blonde one from Brookside who used to go out with Steven Gerrard (below, washing her hair in a swimming pool) – has stunned everyone into a state of silent shock by becoming pregnant after having unprotected sexual intercourse with her boyfriend about four months ago.
Judging a talent show…
Yes, drink it in. Drink in the big tasty mug of sweet sweet irony. Victoria Beckham is judging a talent show – specifically American Idol. It’s the equivalent of Satan presenting Crimewatch. It all comes in the wake of Paula Abdul’s withdrawal from the judging panel, which is actually a great shame for the show. Part of the joy of watching American Idol came from witnessing words fall from Paula’s mouth at random, rarely forming actual sentences, and definitely never making sense. It was probably the American Idol judging equivalent of letting a toddler loose on your computer keyboard and seeing what happens. One journalist in particular seems convinced that Posh Spice will only appear as a guest judge, before going back to doing what she does best… erm. Whatever that might be.
Elsewhere in the sensual world of celebrities, showbusiness trousers have been seriously tightened by pictures of Cindy Crawford – a very old woman (below, plus bottom) – draped over a yacht wearing a bikini. Britney is further proving her sanity by not shaving all of her hair off, and barking at people. And Guy Ritchie – the man who puts the “oi oi” in “hoity toity” – is enjoying big celebrity business at his proper cockney boozer. That’s in Mayfair.
This time, it’s a certain Franco-Englander…
Bold as brass she stood there, wearing the fashionable Longoria stripes – as opposed to the Roberts spots – sunning herself in a bikini, even though she’s 41! As everyone knows, most 41-year-olds have put their beach days behind them, and instead hide away in darkened rooms, hoping for the cold hand of death to finally muffle their screams and take them away. It’s all over when you’re 41. You’re kids have finished university, you can’t remember your pubes ever being anything but grey, and your beautiful stomach tatt of a cheerful dolphin now looks like a dying catfish. And yet, Davina McCall, the woman who mixes talking with shouting at a professional level, has shocked most of the British speaking planet by going on holiday, slipping into something a 30-year-old might wear, and not looking completely revolting. One showbiz reporter in particular took one look at the pictures, then leant back in his chair, clapping his hands, as a lonely teardrop zipped down his cheek and went smashing onto the N of his keyboard. Bravo Davina McCall. Bravo.
In other news Jennifer Lopez (pictured) has been spotted enjoying quality time with her children, while in another corner of the acting world, Mischa Barton – star of the excellent OC – appears to have gone loco, and can now be contacted through doctors and nurses in a psychiatric ward. One journalist in particular seems very keen to point out that a similar kind of thing happened to Britney Spears not so long ago. And now she’s totally fine, sooooo….
Not including this classic…
As always, it’s with a great big handshake, back pat, and toothy smile that we hear from Interestment favourite, Oliver – our fashion expert. Today he thought he’d cast a very intense eye over the world of famous women and their hair. He had this to say…
Hair is great stuff. It keeps your head warm, members of the opposite sex can run their fingers through it, and it’s great for flossing your teeth if you’ve stumbled onto astonishingly hard times. It’s also the head’s natural equivalent of a hat. With that in mind, we thought it time to doff a furry cap to our favourite womanly haircuts from years gone by…
1. The Bob
A tricky one to pull off this, but the Bob – named after the way is gently bobs around a lady’s jawline – is a stone cold classic. Posh Spice and the one that’s married to Tom Cruise have both tried it out, both bringing it a spot of demure sensuality. But we really like it on Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction… even if she did rudely steal her date’s smack, bleed everywhere and nearly die.
2. The GI Jane
In terms of aesthetics, this one is a strong, vivid, almost furious look. Hence, usually a hair don’t reserved only for the brave or mental. Britney Spears did it herself, and freaked everyone out, Miss Sigourney Weaver looked like Mr Sigourney Weaver with hers. And, yet, the troubled Irish singer Sinead O’Connor made having not much hair to speak of look magnificent. And did you know that Sinead is actually an anagram of Skinhead?
3. Massive Look-at-me hair
Big drama-hair can set flashbulbs going like fire crackers at a teenage French boy’s virginity losing party, and the likes of Brigitte Bardot, Pammie, Jane Fonda in Barbarella and Farah Fawcett have all worn magnificent hair. Sadly they are all just dusty hair clippings on the floor of life’s salon compared to the queen of the silver screen – Marilyn Monroe. Her hair was actually made by hobgoblins using angel pubes. Or so legend would have it.
4. Pretend Hair
Wigs are basically lies for your head to deceive the world. Fine if you are bald, ill, or a man, but it’s still a bit like getting big fake boobs done, then pretending that you always had good knockers. No one will ever honestly believe you. Still, we like the things, and the finest wig ever can be found eclipsing Natalie Portman’s natural barnet in the naval gazing tale of unfathomable idiots, Closer. She wore a bubblegum pink wig whilst pole dancing, bless her.
Yeah, it’s all smiles in this picture…
Nothing sticks in the craw like being relentlessly copydogged by one of your friends. You’ve got a new jumper, they’ve got a new jumper. You spent months saving up for a mean pair of sneaks, they spotted the sneaks and immediately ran to a shoe shop. Sometimes, they might even take the credit for creating the vibe themselves. Standing there at a cool party in your outfit, impressing people. It’s bloody outrageous. Which is why Cheryl Cole might have a few curt words to say to her band mate Kimberley Walsh when she gets back from her wonderful beach holiday. It turns out that her copydogging hasn’t gone unnoticed, as she’s been photographed swanning around in the very same swimming-cozzie-and-cowboy-hat combo that made Cheryl the toast of the glossy beachwear pages little more than a week ago. Whether Cheryl will return the compliment by copycatting the same red faced shame that Kimberley must be feeling, we just don’t know. Needless to say, certain showbiz reporters have been enraged, outraged, and overraged about this.
Elsewhere in the world, Jordan has been going bonkers in Ibiza, and Britney Spears was invited to Ciara’s party, but then her dad wouldn’t let her go. News from the inside suggests that he was worried that if she got carried away, she might end up braless, knickerless, hairless, legless, and most probably pregnant. And perhaps married. Hollywood insiders have been silently nodding their heads in quiet approval. Here she is hula-hooping…
Woman in revealing dress shocker
Only yesterday, we warned the world’s womenfolk about the danger of summer dresses, and just how transparent they can be. Unfortunately Kirsty Gallacher obviously wasn’t paying attention, as she strode boldly into the Glamour Awards sporting a thin film of stretchy black material, which had been fashioned into a lady’s party outfit. Nearby photographers zapped away, the big bulbs on their old fashioned cameras creating some kind of strange X-ray effect, rendering her completely see-through. Both bosoms, and some sensual underpants made themselves known to the startled audience, as showbiz reporters launched into a frenzy of short hand, all mystified that a woman of her class and elegance could make such an elimentary fashion error. OMG she’s totally humiliated herself, insisted one journalist in particular. Kirsty will no doubt scurry into hiding somewhere in the Outer Hebrides until the expected mayhem calms down.
In other important celebrity news, Paris Hilton has made everyone feel confused and a little bit frightened by becoming a brunette. And Britney Spears is going to perform a kick-ass show at the Millenium Dome to prove to the world that she is no longer as bonkers as the day is humid. Good for her. Here she is, crawling towards a camera, pretending to be a cat…
Finally, she’s not bonkers…
As everyone is fully aware, a decent celebrity sanity barometer can be found in a simple swimming outfit. If they look great in a bikini or some Speedos, we can rest easy, they’re going to be fine. But if they take to the beach showing signs of having cellulite on their buttocks or a rather protruding belly, it’s time to panic, the strange voices are back. Other tell-tale madness giveaways include beards, ripped jeans, or a simple request to be left alone. We, as you can well imagine, are on constant orange alert looking out for bananas celebrities. One of whom, Britney Spears, is no longer completely mental. It’s true. Some well placed showbusiness journalists have happily reported that the confused American singer has finally bounced back from the murky waters of inner bedlam by going to the beach exhibiting her brand new bikini body. Thank Christ for that. She’s going to be absolutely fine from now on.
Elsewhere in the world of showbusiness, that awful “I won a scholarship to Sandhurst” one from The Apprentice (below) finally got the boot, and actually looked like he was going to weep in the back of the cab. He definitely did a good punching job on the lobby sofa when Sir Sugar ejected him. He will bounce back, they insisted. He will bounce back. Meanwhile, over in the French cinema town of Cannes, Bragina have been wowing people by pretty much snogging in public. One showiz reporter in particular was astonished by this.
How about you two bastards?
For those feeling slightly let down by today’s offerings, we do have a good excuse – we’ve been doing odds and ends for the people of Hecklerspray. Most recently we thought we’d talk a little about celebrity women who we would be far too embarrassed to go out with, amongst them Duffy and the blonde one from Girls Aloud. Go, read, enjoy, then catch up on some very important celebrity news and thought.
Also, for those who have worked out what it’s all about, we are on Twitter.
This man is not one of them
Once again, one of our most gifted contributors, Debs, has turned her educated glance onto society. This time focusing on those in the public eye who can’t be bothered with making themselves sparkle. She had this to say…
Just like Elvis Presley, famous people all have an obsession with bathrooms. Bathrooms with televisions. Bathrooms with gold effigies of Jesus. Bathrooms housing a swathe of performing midgets. Except these perennially soiled looking individuals to whom Imperial Leather will always be just another royal fabric:
1. Amy Winehouse
Filthy, dirty songstress who has been seen combing actual fieldmice out of her beehive. Too busy drinking turps and smoking jazz cigarettes to bother with much-needed water/soap combo. Last known wash: April 2004.