You know, from Fame Academy
Thanks to reality television programmes, we now have more celebrities in our lives than ever before. Think about it – a year ago would you feel the same sexy stirrings about Susan Boyle? When he was just another angel-voiced Scottish guy trawling the pub circuit? No you wouldn’t. And would you have been strongly attracted to Angel from Big Brother? No, you’d have made unkind jokes about her looking a bit like Christian Bale in The Machinist. Yet, now, you’d crawl betwixt their silky bedsheets in a heart beat were they to lay there naked, beckoning you in. They are, after all, famous. And we love famous people.
Talking of which, just the other day, friend of the site Emily got in touch with some excellent celebrity spots. “On the same glorious day I saw not just Fame Academy voice coaches Mr and Mrs Carrie and David Grant, but also Sir Trevor McDonald AND Vanessa Feltz sitting outside the Charlotte Street Hotel – Feltz was enjoying a white wine spritzer and some chilli nuts,” she told us, coincidentally enjoying a wine/soda combo of her own. Great spots Emily, the latest Interestment Mix Tape (featuring THIS) is yours.
Send your spots to [email protected]
He’s the cheerful one at the front…
On average, around a hundred new celebrities crop up each year. This year we’ve been seduced by that brain damaged man with the gold teeth from Britain’s Got Talent, that GaGa thing with the tiny outfits, and there must surely be another Geldof in the pipeline, ready to edit a magazine, or run an angular record label. There just must be. The point being that these people are fizzing and buzzing around us, and no longer even bothering to move into the secret nooks and crannies that litter Fame Mountain. We see them every day, you just need to open your eyes, and send in your spots.
Just last week, a certain member of the Interestment flock saw both Clair Sweeney and Harry Enfield in one afternoon. What an afternoon that was. But the winner this week is Paulie, who somehow managed to see with his own eyes Miquita Oliver – “she was in Tescos, she’s pretty and tall” – Kevin Rowland – “he lives down the road from me, I see him a lot” – and Terry Hall, who was “drinking a coffee, literally about two feet away.” Those are quite some spots.
Hence Paulie wins an Interestment Mix Tape, featuring Prince and much more.
Send your spots to [email protected]
Say hello to BRAGINA
It’s always excellent to hear from a member of the Interestment family, and today it’s the turn of Debs. She’s been away for a bit, but now she’s back, and she’s turned her arched eyebrow and golden celebrity microscope up to Eleven. Here, she’s talking about strange celebrities and their weird nicknames. She had this to say…
As mentioned before, abbrevos are excellent – so good that showbusiness circles have thought it totally necessary (or totally ness) for celebrity names to be handed a catchy, shortened, handle. Harmless enough you’d think, but embarrassment can ensue if you’re not prepared. For example: if someone utters Su-Bo they refer not to a forgotten martial art, but actually to the ubiquetously lumpen Scottish gentleman who went into meltdown after Britain’s Got Talent. By uttering TomKat, the speaker in fact alludes to the eternally unconvincing partnership of Cruise and the brunette from Dawson’s Creek – not Lidl‘s own-brand petfeed. By Brangelina – or Bragina as we prefer – they very much do not mean a jarred meat relish, or Thrush cream, but rather Angelia Jolie and Brad Pitt. And LiLo is very actually Lindsay Lohan, American blonde actressingerthing – not a cheap, plastic, water mattress.
So now you know.
Yes, this is one of them…
As ever, it’s with a great big cheer and a shot of the strong stuff that we welcome Eliot back to the Interestment fold – he’s got a gigantic brain stuffed to the brim with news and opinions about sport. He had this to say about his top ten people made famous by the year in football…
1. Tom Henning Ovrebo
One minute you have a meagre three line entry on Wikipedia, the next you are responsible for the worst swearing on ITV since Gordon Ramsay ceased his tiresome and rather blue, attention-seeking routine. Ovrebro certainly didnt have the Semi Final second leg between Chelsea and Barca under control, but that was no excuse for the sanctimonious outburst from Jamie Redknapp in the Sky studio post-match. Fuming that dear cousin Frank would miss out on yet another ill-deserved medal, Redknapp railed against the craziness of UEFA in allowing someone from little old Norway to officiate in such a big match. Much better allow an Italian. Roberto Rosetti perhaps, whose ludicrous sending off of Darren Fletcher cost Manchester United a ball-winning midfielder in the final, and possibly the trophy itself.
2. Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan
Not as easy on the tongue as previous owner Franny Lee, and no less easier on the human rights abuses than previous incumbent Thaksin Shinawatra either. But this is the football world we live in today, a mad world where a man with a towel on his head is hailed as a Messiah (a concept he wouldn’t believe in) and whom one of the club’s centre half (Tal Ben-Haim) would be banned from visiting at home due to his nationality. Take a glance out the window to your left, and that would be the recently defenstrated ethics in football flying past.
3. Federico Macheda
Such is the hype and comprehensive coverage of football these days, it is rare a player that nobody has heard of makes a name for himself in a big fixture. With reserve team football live on television and even Youth Cup Final rights battled over by Sky/Setanta, players tend to emerge onto the stage fully born, with the football pitch being more reminiscent of pantomine (“I’ve seen him in something else”) than an obscure production of Midsummer Night’s Dream at a provincial theatre in Somerset (“I’ve never seen this Bottom before”) Joe Cole, Wayne Rooney and Michael Owen were all new Gazzas whilst barely out of school, and Arsene Wenger uses the Carling Cup to saucily hitch up the skirt and give us a flash of his next generation. So although he scored a goal in the most commercial league in the most commerical arena, in a minute of injury time that existed purely in the mind of Mike Riley, there was something beautiful about Macheda sending Luke Young the wrong way, and curling the ball past Brad Friedel. That goal meant the title was heading back to Old Trafford, and the banner on the Stretford End will now read Twenty Years and Waiting from August.
4. Brede Hangeland
Although he signed for Fulham last January, it arguably wasnt until the 1-0 home victory against Arsenal in August, that Brede Hangelandshot to national prominence. Having scored the winner in a Man of the Match display, short of lining up the post-match roast, there is very little extra a modern day footballer can do in a game. It’s easy to laugh at Roy Hodgson – although Jonathan Ross arguably owes his career to the bloke whose lisp he has aped all these years – but his itinerant time in management has certainly paid off. At Viking FK he first coached Hangeland, and ultimately signed him for Fulham. At Inter Milan, he won the UEFA Cup. As manager of the United Arab Emirates, he made a lot of money. Trophies, knowledge and hard shekels – Roy Hodgson, Interestment salutes you.
5. Dan Gosling
It was a cold February night, a cracking cup-tie between the fiercest of rivals on Merseyside, set for penalties with just seconds on the clock. Then a ball over… the tic tacs are a refreshing sweet, suprisingly low in calories and perfect for refreshing… and jubilant scenes around Goodison.
6. Amir Zaki
Egyptian centre forwards – occasionally brilliant, frequently temperamental, but every so often struggle with the concept of stepping on a plane marked for Heathrow. Amir Zaki certainly isnt one to rebuff a streotype, starting brilliantly with that goal at Anfield – a goal so good that we all questioned our very existence in its aftermath – before spending much of the winter sulking, eventually vanishing home. Yet there can be no doubt Zaki is a decent player, and it will be interesting to see whether Steve Bruce, who played such a part in the Egyptian’s falling out with Wigan, attempts to sign him up top for Sunderland. If Amir thought living in Wigan was a long way from Cairo….
7. Charles Insomnia
A man we still wouldn’t have heard of were it not for Joe F*Kin’near’s tremendous Wordsworthesque pun, describing his winger Charles N’Zogbia in terms symptomatic of his tiresome whinging. Back in the 90s, when Kinnear was last managing a club in the top 6 of the Premier League, it was appropriate to mock foriegners with exotic names. Those days, alas, are no more, despite rumours of keeper Georg Koch signing for Hull City. So who was the eventual winner in this tiff? Well, Kinnear ended up with a triple bypass, N’Zogbia ended up at Wigan Athletic. Lets call that a no-score draw shall we?
8. Sandra Redknapp
Given young Jamie’s domestic bliss, it is hard to imagine Harry not enjoying a similar status – lovely palatial gaff, a couple of top top ornaments, and a cracking wife. Alas Harry revealed earlier in the season that his wife is in fact adroit in the air at the far post, as following Darren Bent’s lamentable miss in the match against Portsmouth, he claimed spouse Sandra (above, left) would have put it away. We now imagine Sandra as a Peter Withe figure, irrepressible from a decent cross with a large sweatband around her prominent bonce.
Redknapp is often hailed as the archetypal hand-round-the-shoulder man manager. Quite how Darren Bent felt after this snide cheapshot is perhaps best left unsaid. Top, top stuff Harry.
9. Ched Evans
Not since Anna Friel’s lesbian kiss on Brookside has there been such a storm over a sex act on primetime television. Michael Essien’s “raping” of young Man City striker Ched Evans caused such a furore, that one half-expected a re-enactment on Crimewatch the following evening. As it was, all we got was a remorseful Alan Pardew, a man who allegedly once shared a bellydancer with Xabi Alonso. More than that, however, we were worthy of a tremendous insight into the common football vernacular, with the training ground perhaps the last bastion of political incorrectness in the workplace.
10. Susan Boyle
Well everyone else has jumped on the bandwagon so we might as well. And it’s not as if all this attention is doing her any harm….
Woman in exercising frenzy
If the rumours are true, were you to do enough sit ups, you will one day end up with a stomach that slightly resembles a posh leather chair from the 1970s. It’s true. Look at Peter Andre – of recent splitting up with Jordan fame – he once built an entire career on having abdominals that looked like two giant packets of Extra chewing gum stood side to side, buried under a tight layer of golden skin. That was his thing. His vibe. And funnily enough, Melanie Brown of the Spice Girls famously used to endure entire evenings sweating loudly betwixt the Andre silky bed spread – and now she’s acheived almost the same level of extreme tummy sculpture. Spotted wearing a white bikini in Vegas, one showbiz reporter in particular can’t believe that she once managed to fit babies in that taut angry stomach of hers. She, they insist, is taking the six pack to a whole new level. Do they mean to the heights of becoming a seven or eight pack? We’re not sure.
In other intriguing celebrity news, Susan Boyle – the Scottish guy who came second in Britain’s Got Talent – has reportedly booked a cot in a fashionable rehabilitation centre, where she can get some decent sleep, and talk endlessly about her woes. Good luck to her. Plus, one time Oscar winner, Halle Berry, frenchied one time Oscar winner Jamie Foxx on live television. The showbusiness world has been rendered totally shocked. Here she is in Bond…
It’s the tale of two women…
For those who don’t watch blockbusters based on old toys, Megan Fox was in Transformers. She played Optimus Prime (we think). She was also in another children’s movie called Whore. So, yeah, she’s quite a big deal right now over in Hollywood, and one showbiz reporter in particualr couldn’t believe it when he saw some recent photographs of her. The pictures in question were paparazzi photographs of her being photographed – which surely creates some kind of weird vortex, like holding a mirror up to a mirror. “She looks so glamourous,” purred the journalist, before saying something about how she’s normally such a jeans-and-T-shirt kind of gal. And yet, there she is, glammed up. A Hollywood actress. Actually glammed up. Just standing there. All dazzling and glammed up. We were totally gobsmacked too.
In other news, Dane Bowers – the UK’s answer to Justin Timberlake – has been spotted skulking around at Jordan’s house. And Susan Boyle, the Scottish gentleman who looks a shoo-in for Britain’s Got Talent, has been overheard going ballistic because someone said something nice about the little Welsh lad with the Aretha Franklin voice.
Celebrity fueds have been known to start out as a little bit of fun, just look at Tupac and Biggie Smalls. What started out as a my dad’s bigger than your dad escalated into my penis is more potent than your penis, then eventually resolved itself with my funeral’s better than your funeral. It was a crazy time, and proved to be a massive learning curve for the music industry. Now people hide their colours. Hide them real deep. Except, that is, for Lily Allen, who loves having a little dig at people. She’s already called Girls Aloud a bunch of troll faced bastards (or something), and now she’s launched headlong into a war of words with the amazing Scottish guy who looks set to run away with Britain’s Got Talent. “I don’t think she has an amazing voice,” blasted Allen, hurting absolutely everyone’s feelings. Showbiz reporters can’t believe it.
In other news, Beyonce Knowles left the gig reviewing world absolutely agog by performing a set of her songs in a pre-planned performance at the Millenium Dome. And Danielle Lloyd – famous for cackling at racist comments on Celebrity Big Brother – got into a scrap when she was only trying to enjoy a few cocktails at Crystal nightclub in fashionable London. One showbusiness reporter in particular can’t believe how mean people can be to one another. Here’s Danielle before the violent episode…
“Please stop taking your clothes off”
If you have ever been to London, chances are that you’ve already met the professional magazine editor, Peaches Geldof. She literally knows everyone. She’s really good friends with style icon Pixie Geldof, she’s always sharing milkshakes with supermodel Daisy Lowe, and we suspect that she gets along quite well with the legendary singer/songwriteress Lily Allen. All names you’ve probably heard from your Heat magazines, and your hours spent on MySpace looking for the next great band. All great women. All deep thinkers. And yet, it seems that a certain former punk rocker has forgotten what it’s like to be young and totally brilliant at everything, as Bob Geldof is – according to some very well placed showbusiness reporters – unhappy with his daughter’s unquenchable thirst for revolting whorish clothes. The word on the street is that he told her in February that enough was enough, but she was, like, “shut up Dad”, or something. Just this week she was spotted talking about herself outside one of London’s most selective wine bars.
In other womanly news, everyone is getting really excited about the Scottish guy on Britain’s Got Talent. And the showbiz world has been thrown into a stunned silence as pictures have surfaced of Beyonce on the beach wearing a gentleman’s shirt to cover up. One gossip reporter in particular is terrified that she might have lost confidence in her curves. And then what would happen? Women would literally kill themselves, that’s what. Here’s a picture of Beyonce before she shattered our dreams…
Monkey teases dog
Julie Christie, Julie Christie, Julie Christie. So pretty they named her three times. What a woman she was, with a thin sheen of make-up, and lips that you could turn into a three-person sofa. She turns 68 today, so we thought we should get her a present. We went into the lounge, and half-watched Britain’s Got Talent, and half-discussed what we should buy her, and it boiled down to a toss up between some blank taxi cab receipts, in case she’s fiddling her tax returns, or a clip of a cheeky monkey horsing around with a dog. In the end we got her both. Happy birthday Julie Christie!