One very excellent film just missed out…
Critics seem to have a strange relationship with Quentin Tarantino, and his latest film, Inglorious Basterds, already looks to have split opinions right down the middle. But here in the gigantic Interestment offices which overlook a lake, we love him. He literally hasn’t made a bad film, nor has he fallen into the trap of making the same kind of movie over and over again. Jackie Brown received lukewarm reviews for not being anything like Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill hardly set anyone’s trousers alight – except ours. And Death Proof was entirely panned, but, honestly, it’s an excellent film, as any fan of old exploitation/slasher movies will attest to. He’s a master of any genre he deems worthy of a toe-dip, so with that in mind, we spent hours sifting through footage to find the four scenes that wholly befit our devotion. It was a tough process…
1. Pulp Fiction, Breakfast Scene
No doubt about it, Pulp Fiction is his masterpiece, so coming up with a single scene was emotional. The Christopher Walken “watch” monologue very nearly made the cut, as did the opening diner scene, the drugs overdose, and Harvey Keitel as The Wolf. But in the end, we simply had to go with Samuel L Jackson’s finest cinematic hour, as two heavies set about scaring the hell out of some very nerdy criminals eating a fast food breakfast. WARNING: contains scripture.
2. Kill Bill, The Bride versus Crazy 88’s
A fantastic martial arts epic, Kill Bill was another with plenty of scenes to choose from, pretty much all of them extremely violent. The final fight with Bill himself – who recently died in a weird penis-related incident – just missed out, as we went for her blood-soaked frenzy against the Crazy 88 instead. It’s almost impossible to watch without whooping.
3. Death Proof, Lapdance and Crash
For those yet to see it, watch Death Proof. It’s all there – a slow build up of tension, sudden gory deaths, a magnificent car chase, Kurt Russell putting in one of his all-time great performances – which is saying a lot for the man who was in The Thing and Escape from New York. Plus this, the wonderfully hip, yet slightly creepy lapdance scene, followed by exactly what-happened-next.
4. Jackie Brown, Intro
Tarantino is the master of the title sequence, and it was a seriously close call coming up with our favourite. Reservoir Dogs‘ slow-walk-brick-wall intro was literally pipped at the last second by the airport arrival in Jackie Brown. And for one reason only – Bobby Womack. Great song, supercool opening, the legendary Pam Grier. The film promises much, and delivers!
Reservoir Dogs Trailer
Say hello to BRAGINA
It’s always excellent to hear from a member of the Interestment family, and today it’s the turn of Debs. She’s been away for a bit, but now she’s back, and she’s turned her arched eyebrow and golden celebrity microscope up to Eleven. Here, she’s talking about strange celebrities and their weird nicknames. She had this to say…
As mentioned before, abbrevos are excellent – so good that showbusiness circles have thought it totally necessary (or totally ness) for celebrity names to be handed a catchy, shortened, handle. Harmless enough you’d think, but embarrassment can ensue if you’re not prepared. For example: if someone utters Su-Bo they refer not to a forgotten martial art, but actually to the ubiquetously lumpen Scottish gentleman who went into meltdown after Britain’s Got Talent. By uttering TomKat, the speaker in fact alludes to the eternally unconvincing partnership of Cruise and the brunette from Dawson’s Creek – not Lidl‘s own-brand petfeed. By Brangelina – or Bragina as we prefer – they very much do not mean a jarred meat relish, or Thrush cream, but rather Angelia Jolie and Brad Pitt. And LiLo is very actually Lindsay Lohan, American blonde actressingerthing – not a cheap, plastic, water mattress.
So now you know.
Sweet Berry Wine! Dr. Steve Brule
Angelina Jolie – the actress who spends long summer evenings dragging her nails down Brad Pitt’s perspiring back – is 34 today. She’s had quite a life. She’s acted in films, got weird tatts done, carried Billy Bob Thornton blood samples around in a carrier bag. She’s strange. So strange that she’s spent literally her entire life puffing her thin lips out to an extreme pout, and has somehow convinced the world that they naturally look like that. Have we got MUG written on our forehead, Angelina? Have we? No we haven’t. No we haven’t. Anyway, regardless of her stupid pretend mouth, we thought we’d get her a gift, so we sat in the corner of an Australian pub while the rugby was on, and decided that we should either get her a sharp pencil to stab rugby players with, or a Steve Brule video, even though we gave Charlie Watts a Steve Brule video earlier in the week. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Angelina!
Finally, she’s not bonkers…
As everyone is fully aware, a decent celebrity sanity barometer can be found in a simple swimming outfit. If they look great in a bikini or some Speedos, we can rest easy, they’re going to be fine. But if they take to the beach showing signs of having cellulite on their buttocks or a rather protruding belly, it’s time to panic, the strange voices are back. Other tell-tale madness giveaways include beards, ripped jeans, or a simple request to be left alone. We, as you can well imagine, are on constant orange alert looking out for bananas celebrities. One of whom, Britney Spears, is no longer completely mental. It’s true. Some well placed showbusiness journalists have happily reported that the confused American singer has finally bounced back from the murky waters of inner bedlam by going to the beach exhibiting her brand new bikini body. Thank Christ for that. She’s going to be absolutely fine from now on.
Elsewhere in the world of showbusiness, that awful “I won a scholarship to Sandhurst” one from The Apprentice (below) finally got the boot, and actually looked like he was going to weep in the back of the cab. He definitely did a good punching job on the lobby sofa when Sir Sugar ejected him. He will bounce back, they insisted. He will bounce back. Meanwhile, over in the French cinema town of Cannes, Bragina have been wowing people by pretty much snogging in public. One showiz reporter in particular was astonished by this.
Actor goes out with model
Poor Mickey Rourke. Officially our number one actor, he used to have it all – the cash, the clothes, the startling boy band looks. Then, the story goes that he was smashed from pillar to post, shunned by his peers, and ended up on a backstreet plastic surgery table have Barbie dolls melted all over his face. The world was torn over which would suffer the worst – his career? Or his love life? As it turns out, the giddy hand of Lady Luck decided to throw a curve ball, and now his career is peaking like never before. He has even become something of a sexual revelation to a whole new generation who probably haven’t seen his excellent work in 9 1/2 Weeks. Just today, certain showbusiness reporters have been standing back and applauding as Mickey took to the New York drinking scene with a beautiful young underpants model called Eugenia Volodina. An actor? With a model? What?
Elsewhere, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – collectively known as Bragina – have been whipping showbusiness reporters into a trouser bursting frenzy of excitement by nipping out for a bite to eat in France’s most famous cinema town, Cannes.
Age cannot wither her…
Around about Christmas time, you couldn’t go to a single hot spicy wine party without someone shoving you into a corner and barking for about nine minutes about The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. “Seriously,” they’d say, “the special effects are out of this world.” For people lucky enough not to have seen it, it’s the tale of Brad Pitt spending three and a half hours becoming more and more good looking until he turns into a baby. The special effects that seemed to float everyone’s onions were able to make him look old when he was young, and young when he was old. A bit like Carol Vorderman.
Excellent contributor to the site, Spencer, noticed that Vorderman appears to have been doing a Ben Button for a while now. Hence, we thought it high time to run a series of shocking pictures that should have scientists scratching their massive egg-heads until skin is broken and bits of brain start oozing down their necks. Here’s Part One:
Carol Vorderman, June 1914, just before the Great War
Carol Voderman, May 2009, during the Great Recession
Arrghhh, get her out of my eyes!
It’s a known fact that to win an Oscar, you have to ugly yourself up for a role – hence why Tom Hanks has always been so successful. It’s also why gorgeous people like Brad Pitt, Jordan, Justin from Hollyoaks, and Jessica Alba are looked over year after year, even though they’re probably the four greatest living actors. It’s a real shame, and the latest looker who has had to thump her face with the ugly fist for a role is Mariah Carey. Normally so gorgeous, with her big inflatable bosoms and no nonsense approach to make up, she has silenced diners in a million Hollywood restaurants by turning up to film shoots for the movie Precious with her face untainted by lipsticks and blushers. Obviously she looks disgusting, and if her plain face is anything to go by, she should win Best Actress.
In other news, everyone is really impressed by Cheryl Cole‘s ability to dress a little bit like a prostitute with her Girls Aloud band mates, and Cindy Crawford has stunned one showbiz reporter by being 43 years old, but still sexually attractive. That hasn’t happened since Sean Connery. Here she is before she became an old woman…
Courtesy of our pal, Jill Corbett
No outfit is complete without a hat. There, we said it. Even those strange kids in hooded tops know that – hence why the wealthier amongst them choose to wear baseball caps. Or balaclavas if it’s dark and they’re criming it up. Already, we’ve honoured some excellent Pork Pies and Trilbys, now it’s time for the evergreen of hats – the Fedora, here in a gorgeous chocolate brown.
It’s another belter from Jill Corbett – she cuts and prepares her hats to your precise measurements. And no small amount of joy can be found in popping it on and pretending to be Brad Pitt in Snatch – “do you like daaaags?”. Hilarious.