Tag Archive: Birthday

  • Happy Birthday Richard Harris, here’s some extreme smoking!

    50’s cigarette ad…

    Richard Harris, who loved a good drink-up, would have been turning 77 today, had Hodgkin’s Disease not snaffled him in 2002, but even so, he had a pretty good life. He was in loads of films, he sniffed this, slurped that, prodded them, licked those, slept with her, and probably her, starred in that, and once wore a pair of them. Hence, we thought we get him a gift, so we sat silently in a circle, sharply shouting ideas in precise one minute intervals, before it boiled down to a toss up between “SWEETS!”, or “EXTREME SMOKING!”. In the end we got him both. Happy etc…

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  • Happy Birthday Jerry Lee Lewis, here’s a Whole Lotta Shakin’!

    Jerry Lee Lewis, Whole Lotta Shakin’ Going On

    Lee Lewis, of course, was a great rock n roll pianist. He also married his 13-year-old cousin, then divorced her thirteen years later. Neither of which facts have anything to do with 13 being an unlucky number, but, let’s face it, they hardly help. Anyway, the point is that Jerry Lee Lewis is 74 today, so we thought we’d get him a gift. Hence, we all did an impression of Goose from Top Gun doing an impression of Jerry Lee Lewis, whilst others played the parts of Meg Ryan and Tom Cruise looking on, plus we discussed present ideas. And it wasn’t long before it boiled down to a toss up between some sweet and sour pork balls with extra chillies, or a great Jerry Lee Lewis number from 1957. In the end we got him both. Happy etc…!

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  • Happy Birthday Mickey Rourke, here’s Seinfeld!

    100 Seinfeld Quotes

    Mickey Rourke, literally our favourite actor of all time, is 53 today. Hence we shall be celebrating with a quadruple bill of Angel Heart, The Pope of Greenwich Village, Barfly, and the magnificent 9 1/2 Weeks. It’s going to be quite a day. Plus we thought we should grab Mickey a gift, so we all got into a ring and started stapling one another’s backs, whilst roaring present ideas at the heavens, and it wasn’t long before it had boiled down to a toss up between a botox voucher, or a mash-up clip of our favourite sitcom. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Mickey!

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  • Happy Birthday Peter Sellers, here’s The Red Hand Gang!

    The Red Hand Gang

    Were he not cock-punched by the cruel fist of death, Peter Sellers would be hilariously turning 84 today. Yet, as it is, a dodgy heart did him in during the glorious summer of 1980, meaning that he missed everything that was wonderful about the 80s – the hair, the politics, the wonderful food. Hence we decided to get him a gift, so we hit a great little wine bar to drink Cinzano, eat prawn cocktails, and discuss ideas. It wasn’t long before it boiled down to a toss up between a Sodastream, or an episode of The Red Hand Gang. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Peter Sellers!

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  • Happy Birthday Beyonce, here’s Destiny’s Child!

    Destiny’s Child, Bug a boo

    Beyonce Knowles – pronounced “beee-yon-say noles” – is just 28 today, and yet it seems like she’s be around for ever. There was that time she was in the girlband Destiny’s Child with her school friends, then she became an actress, then she did the song with Jay-Z – who’s her lover, by the way – and most recently she did that track about how cool it is being single… unless someone decides that they might want to marry you. It was a rather muddled song that one. Anyway, we decided to buy her a gift, so we all put a ring on it and sat in a jacuzzi singing ideas to one another, before it boiled down to a toss up between some moleskin note pads where she could jot down feminist slogans, or a clip of her old group performing their greatest record. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Beyonce!

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  • Happy Birthday Macaulay Culkin, here’s Uncle Buck!

    Uncle Buck, the Horror version

    Little Macaulay Culkin, the wise-cracking toddler, has somehow made it to 29-years-old. That means that he’s probably fully grown by now. Rumours suggest that he might even have a deep manly voice. He’s probably covered in hair. He can drive cars. He could go and get a tatt done right now if he wanted to, and there is nothing you or anyone else could do about it. In fact, his parents could leave the country without him, and that would be fine. He’s a man. A man’s man. Hence, we thought we’d get him a gift, so we all hit the gym to pump some weights, and run on the mini conveyor belt thing, wheezing ideas, before it boiled down to a toss up between a deer’s head to put above the mantelpiece, or a trailer showing a whole new side to Uncle Buck. In the end we got him both. Happy etc…!

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  • Happy Birthday Isaac Hayes, here’s an AMAZING sand animation!

    Kseniya Simonova, Sand Animation

    Were he not cock-punched by the cruel fist of death almost exactly a year ago, Isaac Hayes would be turning a very soulful 67 today. Instead, he’s laying motionless in a Memphis graveyard. Alone. Dead. Humming some of his greatest hits. It’s a genuine shame. Hence, we decided to get him a gift, and knowing that he was a Scientologist, we thought we’d honour his beliefs by running around town dressed as lizards shouting at passers-by to hand over their souls. Whilst simultaneously discussing gift ideas, which quickly boiled down to a toss up between a science fiction book by L Ron Hubbard, or a clip of an amazing woman on the Ukrainian version of Britain’s Got Talent. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Isaac Hayes!

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  • Happy Birthday Patrick Swayze, here’s Tom Stade!

    Tom Stade on India

    And it’s another enormous day for Hollywood, as yet more fine actors plan an evening of vodka jelly, moon pie, hash cakes, egg sandwiches spiked with Acid, and, of course, the world famous Birthday Song. Ed Norton, Christian Slater, Robert Redford, and Roman Polanski will all be wearing the sparkling cone hat and tearing into big parcels. As will Patrick Swayze, who is turning 56. And what a 56 years so far. He’s starred in two of the finest films of our time – Point Break, as a surfer with serious philosophical leanings (“fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true”, “if you want the ultimate, you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price”, “back off Warchild, seriously”) and Dirty Dancing, in which he instructed a very confused middle-aged father to never allow his daughter a corner seat. Dancing ensued. Dirty Dancing. Hence, we thought we’d get him a gift, one part Happy Birthday, and another part wishing him luck against the dreaded cancer, and after a very serious sit down conversation it boiled down to a toss up between a ceramic duck or a clip of Canadian funny man Tom Stade talking about India. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Patrick Swayze!

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  • Happy Birthday Alfred Hitchcock, here’s Mitch Hedberg

    Mitch Hedberg, Five Minute Special

    Were he not so cruelly snatched from us in 1980, Alfred Hitchcock – officially our number one film director – would be turning a very admirable 109 today. As it is, he was snaffled by the dreaded renal failure, cremated, and his ashes were then chucked into the Pacific Ocean. Yeah, he’s pretty much gone alright. Even so, we thought we’d honour the great man with a gift, so we crept into a graveyard in the middle of the night, sniffed a little glue, threw back some scrumpy, and recorded ideas into a tape recorder, then played them back at half the speed. From what we can make out, it boiled down to a toss up between some really brilliant socks, or a clip of Mitch Hedberg – our favourite stand up of the moment, who also happens to be dead. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Alfred Hitchcock!

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  • Happy Birthday Charlize Theron, here’s a Slap Chop!

    Slap Chop Rap

    If you don’t know who Charlize Theron is, you can count yourself very unlucky. She’s a beautiful woman. So beautiful that she once confidentally strode around naked in a perfume advert to a Marvin Gaye backing track. So beautiful that her face is really pretty. So beautiful that she had to make herself look hideously ugly by wearing a Freddy Krueger mask and adopting a Deep South drawl to win a beloved Oscar. So beautiful that we thought we’d get her a gift, so we all headed to the local swimming baths to squeeze in a few laps and talk business, before it boiled down to a toss up between some mirrored goggles, or a funny clip discovered by friend of the site Spencer. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Charlize Theron!

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  • Happy Birthday Baby Theo, here’s Jim Gaffigan!

    Hot Pockets!

    Right, it’s Neil Armstrong’s birthday today, but forget him. The big news is that INTERESTMENT HAS A NEPHEW. Officially he was born on August 4th, but it was too late to celebrate yesterday, so today it is. And yes, well spotted, he does share a birthday with Barack Obama. That means instant greatness. Hence, with an enormous dose of self-importance, we thought it worth celebrating with the rest of the world, meaning that we’d have to get the little man a present. So we drank around seven pints of decent lager, and it boiled down to a toss up between a set of keys to jangle and giggle at, or a funny comedy routine by a strange American man. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Theodore Share!

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  • Happy Birthday J.K. Rowling, here’s Krull!

    Krull Trailer

    J.K. Rowling turns 44 today – she’s the woman who writes the books about the little boy with the magic fingers, who’s at a big school with his friends Roger and Henrietta, who are both a bit magic too. Down on the football pitch, there’s a fat giant who tells them secrets about Gary Oldman, and after around six or seven films, Harry has finally magicked himself some pubes. We know that because he once pulled his genitals out on stage. We’re not going to lie, we haven’t seen the films, nor read the books. Still, we thought we’d get this Rowling character a gift, so we all put glasses on and pranced around town shouting abracadabra! and hocus pocus! and blungoss!, until we finally got bored and decided to get her either a deck of cards or a clip of Krull – the original Harry Potter. In the end we got her both. Happy etc… Rowling!

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  • Happy Birthday Jennifer Lopez, here’s Darth Vader!

    Darth Vader feels the Blues

    For those of you wondering, Jennifer Lopez is 39 today, which means that it’s her birthday. Hence she’ll be much more demanding than usual – the staff will have to divert their eyes as they hand over their presents, all drinks will be served at a few degrees short of room temperature, and Tom Cruise and his beer swilling buddies will be over later to bust through a few cans and dance around to house music. That’s just how they do things in Hollywood. That’s the birthday vibe. So we thought we’d get her a gift, and after exactly nineteen minutes of very half-hearted conversation, it boiled down to a toss up between some of those wonder-knickers that make your bum look bigger, or a clip of Darth Vader that over three million people appear to have enjoyed, but we’d never once come across. That’s right, we’re pretty with it. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Your Lopezness!

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  • Happy Birthday Will Ferrell, here’s Step Brothers!

    Step Brothers Bloopers

    The shouty American comic actor Will Ferrell turns a very impressive 41 today, and he’s doing pretty well for himself by all accounts. He’s made everyone laugh with a hilarious Neil Diamond impression, he was brilliant in Anchorman and Old School. But the real jewel in his crown is Step BrothersInterestment’s favourite film of 2008, an underrated gem. Hence, we thought it best to get him a gift, so we all made hats from bits of randomly coloured tissue paper and skipped around town singing ideas to one another, until it boiled down to a toss up between a mug of water mixed with fruit juice, or a behind-the-scenes glimpse at Step Brothers. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Will Ferrell!

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  • Happy Birthday Harrison Ford, here’s an old interview!

    Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford, 1980

    Harrison Ford turns 66 today, which means that his best days are probably behind him. He’s already attempted to play an old Indiana Jones, which went okay, but we don’t really fancy watching a pot-bellied Han Solo trundling around space attempting to chat up sexy green lap dancers with a dribbling wookie nervously looking on. It wouldn’t be right. Even so, we thought we’d celebrate the ageing process by getting him a present, so we ordered four orange squashes, informed mummy that this was going to be a long afternoon and to keep the sandwiches coming, and got to debating. After at least thirteen minutes, it boiled down to a toss up between some Star Wars figures, or an old interview with Han and Luke. In the the end we got him both. Happy Birthday H. Ford!

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  • Happy Birthday Jessica Simpson, here’s some karate kicks!

    20 Best Karate Kicks

    Jessica Simpson, the brainy stateside mathematician, is turning 28 today. And what a 28 years she’s had. She’s solved problems, come up with solutions for global dilemmas, and made people weep just by saying moving things at the exact right moment. She’s also churned out numerous pop records, none of which we know the names of, and married and divorced someone – again we have no idea what his name might be. If we’re being totally honest, we’re not entirely sure who Jessica Simpson is. Is she Britney Spears? No? Okay, no matter, we thought we’d buy her a gift nonetheless, so we all put on bikinis, and sat by a pool smearing lotion deep into our hungry thighs, before it boiled down to a toss up between some great big sunglasses, or a bunch of sexy karate kicks. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Jessica!

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  • Happy Birthday Jack White, here’s Stephen Stills!

    Stephen Stills, 4 and 20

    It’s another one of those fantasy dinner party days, with Fred Savage, Kelly McGillis, O J Simpson, and Tom Hanks all scheduled to spend the evening face down in chocolate cake, perhaps crying, perhaps laughing, perhaps dead. But we’ve chosen to ignore those guys, because Jack White – never to be confused with Jack Black – turns 33 today. He’s the mean guitarist behind The White Stripes and other cool rock bands, so we thought we’d get him a gift. After putting on shades and mumbling ideas to one another for eighteen minutes, it boiled down to a toss up between some magic mushrooms, a stick, or a nice folk song from Stephen Stills. In the end we got him the lot. Happy Birthday Jack White!

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  • Happy Birthday Kevin Bacon, here’s Yacht Rock!

    Yacht Rock, Episode 11

    It’s a worrying day when little Kevin Bacon turns 50. If he’s 50, that makes us… well, it makes us pretty old. We’re not sure Kevin Bacon is actually allowed to turn 50. Did he ask anyone’s permission? Someone should really pull him aside at this afternoon’s birthday party and say, “you know, Kevin, none of us were actually consulted about you turning 50… you shouldn’t have turned 50… not today Kevin… not today.” Chances are no one will have the balls though. Either way, we took it upon ourselves to get him a gift, so we danced around in front of some disgusted adults, loudly discussing present options, until it boiled down to a toss up between a case of shower gel, or a funny video. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Bacon! Although, seriously, you shouldn’t really be turning 50. Not you. Not today.

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  • Happy Birthday Tom Cruise, here’s Hendrix!

    Jimi Hendrix and Curtis Knight

    Our favourite passive-aggressive actor, Tom Cruise, turns 47 today. That makes him nearly 50. How ridiculous that Maverick from Top Gun is nearly 50. Goose must be spinning in his grave. Anyway, he’s had quite a life with all the films, the curiously hollow-eyed girlfriends/wives, and the whole Scientology thing, so we thought we’d buy him a gift. To get into the mood we made up a story about aliens eating the souls of real people, and then got down to present talk, which boiled down to a toss up between a cold slap in the face or a clip of Hendrix singing a funky Birthday song. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Tom Cruise!

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  • Happy Birthday Mike Tyson, here’s a Vodka moment!

    A Vodka Moment, Tim and Eric Awesome Show

    Mike Tyson turns 43 today, so will most probably be enjoying some beers with a small group of buddies. He’s probably hired an area of a pub, popped his card behind the bar, and laid on a few sandwiches for snacks. Perhaps a bowl of crisps or two. We wouldn’t know. Mike didn’t invite us. Still, we’re not bitter at all, so we sat in a sobbing circle holding one another, discussing what to get him in between hyperventilating and shouting “why?” up to an empty heaven, and it boiled down to a toss up between a funny sketch about vodka, or some driving gloves. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Mike!

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  • Happy Birthday Cyndi Lauper, here’s a fairy tale!

    Three Little Pigs, by Christopher Walken

    It’s a strong day for the sisterhood, a very strong day indeed. Meryl Streep turns 60, which would normally be the biggest news imaginable. And yet, she’s been pipped at the post by Cyndi Lauper, who we prefer by a fraction. She’s 56 today, she’s a loon, she’s the one we’d like to spend the evening smiling widely at as she thrashes her head around in a gigantic chocolate cake. Hence, we thought we’d buy her a gift, so we bought four walkie-talkies from a nearby toy shop, then ran around town, hiding in bins, behind walls, in toilets at the back of poky Italian restaurants, simultaneously pretending to be on the run from some bad Transformers, and also discussing present ideas. It boiled down to a toss up between some peach coloured sandals or a clip of Christopher Walken doing a story. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Lauper!

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  • Happy Birthday Kathleen Turner, here’s a beefburger!

    Birds Eye Beefburgers

    Kathleen Turner – yes, Kathleen Turner – turns a very lovely 55 today. And what a gal she is. She’s done it all. In the 1980s, she was probably the most sensual woman alive, making steamy films like Body Heat, followed by excellent comedies like The Man With Two Brains. Not to mention one of the finest action movies of all time, Romancing The Stone. She had everything in her acting armory, that girl. Everything. And then, in a weird twist, she spent a portion of the 90s playing Chandler’s DAD in Friends. Still, we thought we should buy her a gift, so we drank exactly nine pints of Staropramen each, then decided to discuss things in the back of a speeding cab. It boiled down to a toss up between a bucket to throw up into, or an old advert about beefburgers. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Kathleen Turner!

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  • Happy Birthday Tupac, here’s a sexy rollercoaster!

    Bra testing at Alton Towers

    Wow, it’s one helluva week for rappers and their birthdays – yesterday Ice Cubes, today Pacsie. Better know to you as Tupac, or 2pac, or The Pac Man, or The Pacmeister, or OnePac Tupac ThreePac Four, or Our Sun Pac, or Burt Baccha-Pac, or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Pac, or Dusty SpringPac, or Farrah Faw-Pac, or Charlie and the Chocolate Pac-tory, or Hey Diddle Diddle the Pac and the Fiddle, or What the Pac!, or Crisp Pac, or just plain old Pac. He would have been 38 today, had he not been gunned down after a beef with Biggie Smalls. Also known as Notorious BIG, or Big Man, or Smally Bigs, or The Big Stuff, or Fat Folks, or Double Whopper with Cheese, or 2001 A BIG Space Odyssey, or Mr Big Potatoes, or just plain old Big starring Tom Hanks. Anyway, Pac would have been 38 today, so after much discussion we decided to buy him either a grain of rice with all of his nicknames engraved on it, or a video of semi-naked women on a rollercoaster sent to us by a chap in PR. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Tupac, aka 2pac, aka The Pac Man etc…

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  • Happy Birthday Seinfeld, here’s Jerry Seinfeld!

    Jerry Seinfeld Stand-up in New York

    Boy, what a day for birthdays – it’s off the hook! Great tennis athlete Andre Agassi, beauties Uma Thurman and Michelle Pfeiffer, the amazing Daniel Day-Lewis, our fifth favourite actor of all time. Only one man could trump such a marvelous group, and that man is Jerry Seinfeld – creator of the second greatest TV show ever, Seinfeld. He’s had one heck of a ride, as he turns a very demure 55. He’s sat in coffee shops, he’s wrestled bread from the arms of old women, he’s been there, touched that, jiggled those, and licked them. What a guy. Hence we had to get him a present. After a furious debate in the middle of Topshop, it boiled down to a toss up between a teaspoon with a picture of a funny dog on it, or a clip of his very own stand-up routine. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Jerry Seinfeld!

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