Dares to look nice in swimming gear…
It’s been the phenomenon of the summer, this new breed of elderly women that dare to pass 40 and still look sexually attractive with their clothes off. As everyone of sound mind knows, once you pass 40, it’s time to slowly remove yourself from society and silently allow all of your body parts to embark on their slow descent towards your knees. That way, once you reach actual old age, you might resemble an owl wearing a flesh poncho. That’s the aim anyway. Or, should we say, that WAS the aim? Because now, there is a whole host of elderly rebels – led by the one-time supermodel Cindy Crawford – who have stuck a middle finger up to the heavens and insisted on maintaining their gorgeousness for as long as they bloody well like. It’s a brave, terrifying move, and just today showbusiness desks all around London have been thrown into a petrified silence by pictures of Sadie Frost – the one who bore Jude Law a mighty litter of will-be Pixie Geldofs – bouncing around in Ibiza, wearing a bikini, looking magnificent, like someone in their 20s. One celebrity journalist in particular seems aghast that this woman can be 44.
Elsewhere in the world of showbusiness, the irreverent celebrity sites – ie. just the same as Heat, only with the occasional “shit” thrown in to show how dangerous and unbelievably irreverent they are – have been all over the ongoing Andre and Jordan saga like dogs-on-string sniffing around rancid festival toilets. And Keisha from the Sugababes (below) went out for a few drinks and got totally drunk.
Man still likes women…
Society is a very strange place, awash with weirdos with a very skew-if way of looking at things. The oddest groups are the ones who take some kind of virtue from being mean to people’s faces, because at least they’re not saying it behind their backs. Now, call us a bunch of sissies, but we’d rather be hated in private, thanks. That way we can bounce around on the day-to-day, naively convinced that everyone thinks we’re brilliant. We say all this with reference to Jade Goody, who was very much a say-it-to-your-face kind of gal, and who recently died from the dreaded cancer. She was certainly a big part of this strange skew-if society, as is her widowed husband Jack Tweed, who has been infuriating showbiz desks all around the country by repeatedly getting caught out and about having the time of his life with glamour girls. A hunch suggests that he might have misheard some good advice about “getting back on the whores”, but one journalist in particular seems pleased that Jack at least had the decency to cry after banging that glamour model when he was drunk.
In other important celebrity news The Cheeky Girls are still making music, and Annalynn McCord (pictured), the star of 90210, has demonstrated that sometimes life really can imitate art by enjoying a Malibu beach party for her birthday. Needless to say, showbiz desks have been left totally agog by this.
This time, it’s a certain Franco-Englander…
Bold as brass she stood there, wearing the fashionable Longoria stripes – as opposed to the Roberts spots – sunning herself in a bikini, even though she’s 41! As everyone knows, most 41-year-olds have put their beach days behind them, and instead hide away in darkened rooms, hoping for the cold hand of death to finally muffle their screams and take them away. It’s all over when you’re 41. You’re kids have finished university, you can’t remember your pubes ever being anything but grey, and your beautiful stomach tatt of a cheerful dolphin now looks like a dying catfish. And yet, Davina McCall, the woman who mixes talking with shouting at a professional level, has shocked most of the British speaking planet by going on holiday, slipping into something a 30-year-old might wear, and not looking completely revolting. One showbiz reporter in particular took one look at the pictures, then leant back in his chair, clapping his hands, as a lonely teardrop zipped down his cheek and went smashing onto the N of his keyboard. Bravo Davina McCall. Bravo.
In other news Jennifer Lopez (pictured) has been spotted enjoying quality time with her children, while in another corner of the acting world, Mischa Barton – star of the excellent OC – appears to have gone loco, and can now be contacted through doctors and nurses in a psychiatric ward. One journalist in particular seems very keen to point out that a similar kind of thing happened to Britney Spears not so long ago. And now she’s totally fine, sooooo….
One of these is a bisexual gentleman…
If you’ve managed even a few moments of this year’s excellent edition of Big Brother, you might have noticed that The Bisexual Club is growing faster than the ever-expanding oozing death machine in The Blob. Kids on Facebook have twigged that double-gender sex can at least double the friends list, while all the latest pop stars and actresses like to remind the world as often as possible that their sexual desires are so complex and far out that you may as well just call them bisexual and be done with it. It’s wild, and showbusiness offices all over the capital have come to resemble Turkish steam rooms, after hard day after hard day of breaking bisexuality news. The latest of which concerns Duncan from Blue, a pouting ice dancer who thought that he needed to come out and tell the world that he sometimes does it with men. It was a move akin to OJ Simpson saying that he might have once killed a woman. Duncan went on to explain that he still likes breasts, so girls are in with a crack too. One celebrity journalist in particular appeared to think that this was big news.
In other magnificent showbusiness news, Demi Moore (below with Cameron Diaz) has left swathes of highly paid reporters agog by wearing a bikini on holiday and not looking totally disgusting, even though she’s like 60 or something. And Cheryl Cole has completely humiliated herself by accidentally getting a smudge of lipstick on her teeth. Triple cringe!
Girl wears bikini in pool
When the plump-lipped mouth of fame kisses you, everything changes. It seems like only a few long years ago that Louis Walsh was the squealing thorn between Pete Waterman and Geri Halliwell’s roses on Popstars: The Rivals, a show which set out to find the next Beatles. And sure enough, that’s exactly what happened when Cheryl Cole, Nadine Coyle, George Harrison, Sarah Harding and Davey Jones walked through those studio doors and sang their little hearts out. They were all plump bearded women, hence, once the band was formed, they were immediately ordered to lose five stone each, wax their faces, and start working on their bikini bodies. Fast forward almost twenty years, and showbusiness desks all around London are steaming up as pictures of the girls land on their desks with unnerving regularity. Just yesterday, both Nadine and Cheryl were the focus of hysterical chit-chat in numerous VIP sections and shared toilet cubicles. Nadine, bless her, has been spotted sunning herself alongside giraffe-alike posho Lady Victoria Hervey. She’s wearing a bikini, which one showbiz reporter in particular seems to think is a wise summer choice.
Elsewhere in the world, Cheryl Cole left onlookers agog by wearing a dress so short that you could make out almost every last centimetre of her oily stick-thin legs. “They look great,” insists one journalist in particular, obviously confusing the words like pipe cleaners for the word great. And in non-Girls Aloud news, Jordan accidentally exited a taxi without showing the world her genitals.
The new Posh and Becks?
If you spend enough time with people, you’ll notice that they begin to develop some very curious behavioural patterns. That’s because human beings do funny things when they know they’re being watched. Just flick through a random bundle of photographs, and you’ll notice that you pull weird faces whenever someone points a camera at you. If that camera keeps going, like the ones in the Big Brother house do, your bizarre actions will increase multifold.
Now week three or four, Angel has really come into her own as a Gollum-type character, dressed as a London bicycle courier. She wanders the house, either casually telling perfectly thin people that they are grotesquely fat, or when she’s not doing that, she appears to be flirting with Freddie. Freddie, incidentally, who believes that in the real world, the pair would have definitely mated by now. Should they ever procreate, there’s a good chance that the offspring would be actual rats. Posh Russian rats. But rats nonetheless. It would be a bit like Rosemary’s Baby.
Elsewhere in the house, Sree has transformed himself into Russ Abbott’s Scotsman, while Marcus has forgotten the cameras completely during shower time, where he can be found sanitising himself using kitchen equipment. Yesterday he used a scouring pad to scrub muck from his upper body, pretty soon, it’ll be Cillit Bang for genitals, Fairy for underarms. The trauma of having to cut a rabbit’s penis off during the Henry VIII task could be responsible for these acts of bathroom self-harm.
All the while, Kris and Charlie have been singing a medley of chart hits, Karly has been wandering from mirror to mirror wearing just underpants and a bra, and Lisa has been telling all who will listen that the key to success in this world is to never change, and just be yourself. Ironically, by following her own advice, she has no chance of winning the show.
Tonight it’s Freddie versus Angel. Angel looks to be toast.
The Interestment favourite continues to be Siavash.
Couple go on summer holiday…
Most of us use the summer to get away from work – to lie on a beach staring at the sun all week in the hope that a glistening hue will disguise that greying skin, that disappointed weeping soul, the demise of all of those childhood dreams. “It’s me that should be winning Britain’s Got Talent,” you mutter to yourself, smearing yet more baby oil into your blistering stomach, “I’ve got the voice of an angel.” And yet, for some celebrities, the real work starts when they take time off. Kelly Brook, for example. A girl with a inbalanced ratio of bosoms to body fat, she never really holds a job down for long enough to feel the bitter sting of dreams dying – The Big Breakfast got rid of her during holiday season, Cowell couldn’t stomach her on Britain’s Got Talent – so now her actual job is to go on holiday. Just today, showbiz desks have been smoking up keyboards with reports that she has been spotted lying around in a bikini with her hunky boyfriend, Danny Cipriani. One celebrity reporter in particular was delighted to report that she went for a quick swim, then returned to a sun lounger to relax. Keep up the good work, Brook.
Elsewhere in the world, Lily Allen has taken everyone’s breath away by going out for dinner wearing a blonde wig. A blonde wig! That’s right, a blonde wig. While Cheryl Cole – of enduring Ashley Cole fame – has shocked newspaper readers all over the country by having tanned legs. Here she is at a Billy the Kid party…
Tennis player, or sex kitten, Mr Stich?
Ask any gentleman fan of women’s tennis about the appeal of the game, and he will tell you that he prefers watching the ladies half of the competition because the games are harder to call and it’s more of a level playing field. He’ll remind you that Federer and Sampras have rendered the men’s draw damn near pointless, with their superior power play, and knack of winning year after year. All great points, very valid, but you might have noticed that the man blushed so hard when you asked him the question that little beads of sweat actually zoomed down his face and dripped from his nose throughout his very well balanced, lucid argument. You might also have noticed that when you listed players like Sharapova, Ivanovic and, from the past, Kournikova, he let out a small moan and crossed his legs. After three minutes of quizzing, he abruptly asked you to leave the room for eight minutes. It’s because he is most likely from the Michael Stich school of Wimbledon opinion. Just yesterday the former men’s champ left the sport world rocked with claims that the Wimbledon ladies are just there “to sell sex”. “They pay attention to their looks and everything,” he told a startled reporter, who could not believe what he was hearing. Which of these prostitutes he fancies to win, we’re not entirely sure. The above picture is Maria Kirilenko, by the way. She isn’t a hooker.
Elsewhere in the world of small clothes, Jordan has been continuing her quest to find sanctuary away from Peter Andre’s throbbing pecs. She’s in Ibiza. And Mel B enjoyed a birthday party in Vegas wearing just a very small bikini. As previously reported, the celebrity world is still stunned into silent awe at the state of her muscular stomach. She appears to be reveling in the aging process, reveals one celebrity journalist in particular.
Yeah, it’s all smiles in this picture…
Nothing sticks in the craw like being relentlessly copydogged by one of your friends. You’ve got a new jumper, they’ve got a new jumper. You spent months saving up for a mean pair of sneaks, they spotted the sneaks and immediately ran to a shoe shop. Sometimes, they might even take the credit for creating the vibe themselves. Standing there at a cool party in your outfit, impressing people. It’s bloody outrageous. Which is why Cheryl Cole might have a few curt words to say to her band mate Kimberley Walsh when she gets back from her wonderful beach holiday. It turns out that her copydogging hasn’t gone unnoticed, as she’s been photographed swanning around in the very same swimming-cozzie-and-cowboy-hat combo that made Cheryl the toast of the glossy beachwear pages little more than a week ago. Whether Cheryl will return the compliment by copycatting the same red faced shame that Kimberley must be feeling, we just don’t know. Needless to say, certain showbiz reporters have been enraged, outraged, and overraged about this.
Elsewhere in the world, Jordan has been going bonkers in Ibiza, and Britney Spears was invited to Ciara’s party, but then her dad wouldn’t let her go. News from the inside suggests that he was worried that if she got carried away, she might end up braless, knickerless, hairless, legless, and most probably pregnant. And perhaps married. Hollywood insiders have been silently nodding their heads in quiet approval. Here she is hula-hooping…
This woman’s been showing off…
Because most of us aren’t celebrities, our winters are spent face down in mashed potatoes, doing anything we can to stave off the cold. Famous people, however, zip off to sunny places to begin working on their bikini bodies. They will then spend the following summer showing off their thin stomachs, their skin as tight as a snare drum, and their perky, attentive bosoms. The rest of us either lie on our fronts, or desperately suck it all in and waddle as fast as possible into the sea. It’s not fair. And just this weekend, the one from the Pussycat Dolls who goes out with Lewis Hamilton has been showing off her bikini body on a Hawaiian beach holiday. Like many bikini bodies, it involves a taut angry abdominal area, vivid buttocks, and a tiny little swimsuit, this year in fashionable Eva Longoria stripes – as opposed to Julia Roberts spots. One showbiz reporter in particular thinks she looks really good, but wonders where Lewis Hamilton is. Have they split up? Or was he having a lie down? These are the questions, friends. These are the questions.
Elsewhere, Cheryl Cole has been showing off her bikini body, which this year makes her look very thin, a bit like one of those gaunt heroin chic models that we used to find so disturbing and emaciated back in the good old days. Should this worrying trend continue, next year, this year’s bikini knickers will hang off her like y-fronts on a skeleton. Start eating, Cole. And, over in Hollywood, Megan Fox (below) decided that her bikini body could be spectacularly shown off under a sexy red dress. Hollywood insiders have been left in a stunned silence by her confusing mixture of demure sensuality and drunken sailor tatts. It’s as though Captain Birdseye ripped open his captain’s jacket to reveal a pair of absolutely gorgeous breasts. Kind of..
Look at this picture, now imagine her thinner…
In one of the most monumental cultural shifts of the last 700 years, it is no longer a symbol of success to have a big sloshing gut oozing over your golden belt buckle and flowing down to your knees. On the contrary, fatness is considered to be quite disgusting. Almost as disgusting as smelliness. Hence, it’s now hip to be thin, so that you can squeeze your sparrow legs into the latest skinny jeans, and never look out of place at a late night binging-then-vomiting party. The latest skinny celebrity rocking showbusiness circles to their very core is Cheryl Cole – member of Girls Aloud, and receiver of Ashley Cole’s grunting tongue kisses almost every single damn day for the rest of her life. She’s actually, like, too thin, insists one showbiz reporter, who appears to be slightly worried that she might be unhappy in her personal life. Have these people not done the math(s) – she’s married to Ashley Cole, therefore her personal life is EXCELLENT. She’s just not that hungry.
In other news, Kylie Minogue‘s boyfriend looks a little bit bored in some pictures. And, Hollywood circles have been seriously traumatised by news that Eva Longoria is still on holiday after almost a week. One celebrity journalist in particular is absolutely astonished and a little bit furious. How dare she enjoy her riches. How bloody dare she. Here she is actually working for a living…
More shocking showbiz news
If you’re braving public transport this evening, prepare for an awkward, stunned silence. Kelly Brook has been photographed, on a film set, in a bikini. A bikini so shiny and red that King Cedric the Shiny would have definitely worn it when he was King of Russia, way back when. Before the whole revolution. It’s that shiny. Showbusiness desks have been quivering under the weight of such magnificent photographs, although one showbiz journalist in particular is appalled to see that they also feature a young American actress called Riley Steele, who has starred in all kinds of dirty films. What kind of people is Brook hanging out with now?
Elsewhere in the world, Posh Spice has blown everyone’s minds by turning up at an airport wearing a very savoury dinner jacket with some Daisy Duke style hot pants. Was she confused when she got dressed this morning? Or should we all be doing this now? Big throbbing showbiz minds are still discussing this with screaming fashion circles. We will get to the bottom of it. Plus Yasmina from The Apprentice is now the actual apprentice. Not stroke face Kate, who we thought was going to win.
What should a Hollywood star wear on holiday?
If you sensed a movement in the force today, don’t freak out, it’s just that some pictures of Eva Longoria from Desperate Housewives landed on a few extremely important showbiz desks. She’s on holiday in France. She’s wearing a bikini. Yeah, it’s pretty far out stuff. Hence, reporters have been going ballistic on the phone, trying to figure out what the hell she is doing in France, and, more importantly, where those lovely bikinis might be from – one of them is stripey, for Christ’s sake. Stripey. Does that mean we should all be wearing stripes? Julia Roberts was in spots the other week, now Longoria’s in stripes. Who do we listen to? Roberts or Longoria? It’s very unsettling, but these are exactly the kind of questions that we need to ask ourselves. One showbusiness reporter in particular is very impressed by her holidaying skills, and there are even a few brilliant photographs of her zipping around the sea on one of those water motorbike things. Good for her.
In other astonishing news, The Apprentice final will feature Kate Walsh (below) – the blonde one who talks from the side of her mouth like the woman in those having a stroke adverts – and Yasmina Siadatan, who spent most of last night’s episode explaining that her only weakness is that she has too many strengths. Our money is on Kate winning the job, and Yasmina embarking on a life-long mission to avenge her humiliation on national television, which ends with her driving a javelin through Sir Alan Sugar’s heart at the 2012 Olympics. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
NEWSFLASH! This woman is no longer blonde
The colour of a woman’s hair is of huge importance, we don’t need to tell you that. Is it any coincidence that when she went brunette, Britney Spears embarked on a long descent into crippling weirdness? No it isn’t. Likewise with other dove haired lovelies who have dabbled with the raven look, like Jessica Simpson, Cameron Diaz, and Madonna. All turned to the dark side, with terrifying results. And now you can add Kate Hudson – normally so blonde, so cheerful – to that list, as she has transformed her welcoming blonde locks to a more unapproachable wavy brown. Showbiz reporters have been knocked sideways by the news, with one in particular noting that she has probably done it to get better acting roles. It is, after all, a much more serious look. Just look at Tom Cruise – he’s brunette, he gets all the best roles.
In other news, Kim Kardashian (below) – famous for having a gargantuan backside – has rendered the entire showbusiness world agog by taking to the beach in a bikini. Like many young stars, she appears to have been working out. Plus, Sarah Michelle Gellar, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, has a big swelling in her belly where a baby lives.
Finally, she’s not bonkers…
As everyone is fully aware, a decent celebrity sanity barometer can be found in a simple swimming outfit. If they look great in a bikini or some Speedos, we can rest easy, they’re going to be fine. But if they take to the beach showing signs of having cellulite on their buttocks or a rather protruding belly, it’s time to panic, the strange voices are back. Other tell-tale madness giveaways include beards, ripped jeans, or a simple request to be left alone. We, as you can well imagine, are on constant orange alert looking out for bananas celebrities. One of whom, Britney Spears, is no longer completely mental. It’s true. Some well placed showbusiness journalists have happily reported that the confused American singer has finally bounced back from the murky waters of inner bedlam by going to the beach exhibiting her brand new bikini body. Thank Christ for that. She’s going to be absolutely fine from now on.
Elsewhere in the world of showbusiness, that awful “I won a scholarship to Sandhurst” one from The Apprentice (below) finally got the boot, and actually looked like he was going to weep in the back of the cab. He definitely did a good punching job on the lobby sofa when Sir Sugar ejected him. He will bounce back, they insisted. He will bounce back. Meanwhile, over in the French cinema town of Cannes, Bragina have been wowing people by pretty much snogging in public. One showiz reporter in particular was astonished by this.
Not just any old dots…
Anyone with two functioning eyes and a heart has probably been lamenting the demise of Polka Dots for the last few years. They used to be so popular with tearful housewives and young ravers. In fact, the macho street painter Seurat famously loved them so much that he’d use miniscule ones to create amazing images of people horsing around in parks (below). They were once voted the nation’s most beloved dot.
And now THEY’RE BACK, and they’ve become really popular with famous people. Just this week, Posh Spice was caught mounting a nice aeroplane wearing a great big spotty mackintosh. Each dot tirelessly crafted from the finest fashion hands money can afford. Then Julia Roberts – yes, Julia Roberts, the actress – took to a Hawaiian beach in a dotty bikini, showing off what has been described as her “beach body”. Not to be confused with her “indoors body”, which is all flabby and grotesque. Anyone who has seen these pictures will have noticed that she has a tattoo at the base of her spine reading “Henry, Hazel, Phinneaus” – her moving homage to The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers.
In other Victoria Beckham (above) news, she is now the sensual half-naked body of an Armani campaign. Cynics are convinced that someone may have broken into the Armani HQ armed with an airbrush and really gone to town on her. Who could do such a thing? Some kind of body beautiful, airbrush sicko?
Plus Sarah Jessica Parker (above) has hired a surrogate bisexual rocker to carry her twins. As anyone with bisexual children already knows, she has nothing to worry about. It skips a generation.
Ursula Andress in Dr No
Ursula Andress turns a whopping 73 today, and what a life she’s had. She was in the greatest sword and sandals film of all time, Clash of The Titans, and she once took her clothes off for Playboy. So, we thought we should buy her a present. We discussed long into the evening, drinking Cherry Coke and eating raisins to stay awake, and it boiled down to a toss up between a hilariously enormous hand made of foam, or a clip of her coming out of the sea to sing a song about fruit with the fourth best Bond. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Ursula!