Be careful making one of these socially…
The Big Brother sociological study of human behaviour is in its tenth year, and it still contains daily surprises. For example, in a freakish twist of art imitating life, imitating art, imitating life, imitating art, Sree – the Indian guy – appears to be doing a performance art real life interpretation of The Shermanator from American Pie. Only Indian. Just yesterday, his restored confidence helped him explain to Big Brother that “everyone is loving” him, a point which appears to be repeatedly disproven whenever he leaves a room. And in a spectacularly misjudged moment of flirtatious bonding, he accidentally called Karly from Scotland a slag.
Elsewhere in the house, Cairon and Siavash appear to be enjoying a strange Brokeback Mountain journey. Last night spotted bathing one another, with graphic scenes of man-on-man hair washing, and possible heavy breathing. Future wives, if they tell you they’re going fishing, you would be wise to pack them some extra condoms with their fishing tackle.
And Freddie really pissed everyone off by making a great big salad and kindly offering it around.
Do not DARE cross this woman…
You can learn a lot from watching Big Brother. For example, just last night we learned that Beinazir looks a bit like Boy George during his early Culture Club days, but just as we were becoming dizzy with excitement about that, she was bundled onto a big red bus and driven the hell home. Voters, it seems, were not feeling her, which is a shame, because she seemed quite nice. She even allowed the strange Russian house guest quality time, which is surely akin to doing charity work. Good luck back on Civvy Street, Beinazir.
Elsewhere in the house, Siavash is beginning to resemble Che Guevara auditioning to play Dick Turpin, and the sickly-child-grown-up, Sophia, has taken serious issue with Saffia. For what, we’re not sure. She said something about them having the same name, or Saffia being a bitch. What we do know, however, is that Saffia is coming across very badly – like one of those thin-lipped office cows, who never smile, then spend the weekends becoming outrageously drunk on white wine, and pretending that they’re a bit like Bridget Jones really. They’re not. They’re nothing like Bridget Jones.
Last night also saw Sree – the kindly Indian man – morphing into a tearful young baby kitten, as he realised that he was up for a public vote. “I don’t want to lose my confidence,” he wept in the diary room, in a soft, childlike voice. And lo, thankfully, he survived the early vote. His confidence was alive and well, as he danced in front of the losers, shouting to the gods, praising his own brilliance. What wonderful, attractive confidence. Confidence that must never be destroyed. Might this be the same confidence that will help him steamroller his way through nightclubs in the not too distant future? Yeah, let’s hope he never loses that.
Oh, and everyone’s bisexual.
… who once looked like this…
Fans of celebrities will have felt a gargantuan shift in the force over the weekend, as sixteen new faces ascended from everyday society and became famous. There was hairy face, gay guy, the blonde things, posh stuff, Ivan Drago, ink eyes, titchy feet, bitch mouth, Kooks-alike, porn junkie, Sree, Johnny Rotten and Brazil. Plus a couple of others. Names that will now be forever etched in our minds, new faces that we can stop and point at when they’re just trying to buy some Tampax and get home. Plus, of course, more people readying themselves for Movida and Gaffney’s rampaging tongue. Good luck to them.
In big celeb spotting news, just last week, proven-celebrity-spotter Matt caught sight of Trevor Cleaver from Grange Hill. “Or, at least, I think it was him,” said Matt, helpfully. “He was jogging in the park, which is exactly what Cleaver would probably do now.” Unfortunately, Matt will not be winning this week’s mix tape. And that’s because this week’s big winner is newcomer to the site Patrick, who caught an eyeful of the wonderful – and a bit political – Joanna Lumley, shopping in Sainsburys. Not Harrods. Not Waitrose. Sainsburys. “She was wearing a wax jacket an’ all,” says Patrick.
The latest Interestment Mix Tape features Patti Smith and Brand Nubian.
Big Brother 10, the great big launch night…
And so the housemates trundled into the house, some sprinted, some walked in slow motion whilst dressed like a Cabaret inspired demon. It was weird. Made all the weirder by Davina McCall’s decision to dress a little bit like a woman who might run a brothel. Anyway, no matter. Here’s how the first sixteen housemates came across, as decided by us…
With a beard reminiscent of General Zod in Superman II, Freddie is a little bit posh for all of this. That said, his big cheerful hugs seemed to go down well with the rest of the incomers. “Peace and love,” he declared on his way up the steps. That’s peace. And love.
With her punk rocker haircut and tatted up arms, neck, head, back, and face, Lisa has the look of a ferocious lesbian. An illusion that was immediately shattered when she embarked on an awkward conversation with Freddie about the shared moment they were enjoying.
Three minutes after her breasts, Sophie entered the house, making her already a guaranteed cover girl in the Nuts/Zoo axis of sophistication. Were she not a tits out glamour girl, she’d be an ice cream lady, she declared. Sorry, but what’s an ice cream lady?
Kris is as unconventional as the spelling of his name. Oh no, hang on, he’s not at all. He’s just another one of those Kooks-a-likes with a scraggly my-first-beard. He fumbled handfuls of cool points the minute he cooed “it smells like Allied Carpets”, whilst descending the house stairs.
Luckily for Jesus, Noirin lives her life by the Ten Commandments – or nine, as she’s already opted to bow down to another God by going on Big Brother. The Lord will not be happy about that. We’ve got a nasty feeling she might bear false witness against her neighbour at some point too. Just so long as she doesn’t covet anyone’s ox…
The youngster of the house, Cairon is a stylish American lad. Regardless that he feels gay just wiping his own bottom, he looks like the most obvious early contender for the crown. Kids will think he’s cool.
Instantly made a bad impression by taking about twenty minutes just to get up the steps, Angel would make for an awful dinner guest. Pudding done, wine empty, and yet there she is, staring at you, totally unwilling to leave. She’s slightly terrifying in a serial killer kind of way.
According to Karly, her arse is her best feature, which shows an incredible amount of humility from a girl who could have singled out her wit, her lust for medieval poetry, or her ability to change from blonde to brunette in a single frame change. The minute she saw Sophie, most of the blood drained from her face.
Should your computer go on the blink in the next week or so, gutted, because the only man who could combine fixing the thing with telling intriguing stories about the serial numbers on the back of comics is stranded in the Big Brother house. Looks like Wolverine in the same way that Trevor McDonald would if you just stuck some pretend side burns on his cheeks and told him to growl.
Kindly, to kick things off, Beinazir explained that she isn’t a prostitute. Something the other presumed-prostitutes in the house completely failed to consider doing. She then went on to explain that she frightens men, and hates posers. At that stage, we were still reeling from the prostitute revelation.
This is what happens when sickly children pull through and turn into strong young women. They pogo into the Big Brother house cackling like Jabba the Hut‘s manic giggling sidekick from Return of The Jedi. Another possible contender, she seems quite sweet, as all tiny little people do when they smile.
Unlike most Brits, Rodrigo – a Brazilian – loves England, even though it has unwittingly made him gay. Or straight. He’s just not sure. Although he does want to have sex with Latoya Jackson, which, frankly, casts no light on the situation whatsoever. Already in the house, he might win.
Charlie looks a little bit like Sean Penn in Milk, and although he insists that he can’t sit still for one second, we know he’s lying. He clearly spends at least fifteen minutes every morning patiently carving completely pointless go-faster stripes into his left eyebrow.
This year’s victim of appalling intro video syndrome, there is an immediate mountain to climb. Claims to hate all people within just a few minutes, she really should have considered the bra options when picking out a decent first night outfit.
Dressed by his mother and father, they said. And yet, there he was, Union Jack shirt underneath his jacket, Indian flag in his hand, leaving most BNP members totally bewildered. He’s got their shirt on, but he’s Indian. Brains all around Kent literally melted.
In a word – Teen Wolf.
Okay, quite a few of you…
For those of you who still haven’t had enough of us, we have been doing little bits and pieces for the wonderful people of Hecklerspray. Today, we’ve compiled the dream Big Brother house from the last nine years. Read all about that here.
Somehow, this woman wasn’t enough of an idiot…
The problem with going on live television for 24 hours a day is that if you are a total cretin, the world will find out. Of course, lots of us head down to allotments to say all of the stupid things that we want to say to people in real life, but we do it to a silent audience of prize winning marrows and gigantic cabbages instead. They don’t judge you like people do. They don’t care if you want to stand there proudly shaving your chest, whilst explaining how brilliant you are at everything to do with sex. They’re vegetables. They’re just patiently waiting for you to eat them. That’s their thing. Unfortunately, some of the Big Brother contestants have incorrectly decided to share their actual personalities with the rest of the world, with absolutely horrendous results. This list is so disgusting that appalling oiks like Sezer, Rex, PJ, Charley, and Michelle Bass were all considered too fantastic to make it. If you’ve just eaten, or taken a gulp of a fizzy drink, for Christ’s sake, do NOT read on…
1. Maxwell Trotter Ward, Big Brother 6
Maxwell had the look of a man who could happily enjoy a nose-up with the lads, head to the football, then brick someone in the face on the way home. And, unfortunately for him, his perky persona was totally ruined by his top lip, which was constantly battling to form a sneer. A horrible horrible character, his time in the house became a journey of lust as he attempted to woo heavy-bosomed Saskia – who openly detested foreign people – before the pair eventually ended up prodding their greasy fingers all over each other in a series of late night clinches that were about as cute and appealing as the beer gut lounge sex in I.D.
2. Tim Culley, Big Brother 3
Poor Tim, such a posh little cretin. His biggest mistake was to view Big Brother as an overbearing Mummy figure, who he should shout at if she was being mean to him. That way, his mates watching would think he was cool. However, in reality, his diary room moments were almost unbearable to watch, as he went about answering simple questions like “how are you today Tim?” by saying things like “you’re not the boss of me” and “why don’t you just leave me alone”. It felt a bit like when you’d go round to a friend’s house as a child, and they’d tell their mum to piss off. Unresolved childhood issues aside, Tim rallied the nation against him by shaving his chest in secret, and going to exteme lengths to hide that his hair was a beautiful ginger. A strange character.
3. Kitten, Big Brother 5
Like Tim, Kitten – real name Kathryn Pinder – totally mistook Big Brother for something else. As the rest of the country knows, it’s a reality television show in which people are provided with food, drink, shelter, and a small taste of the high life when they get out. Kitten confused that with living under the regime of an oppressive government, so she marched in snogging her girlfriend, demanding rebellion. This rebellion mainly involved her refusing to go to the diary room when asked, then sitting there with a half-frightened smile on her face, as if – deep down – she wasn’t entirely sure why she was doing it either. Eventually, even her polite housemates stopped taking notice of her Rick from The Young Ones impression and just got on with things. An angry lesbian.
4. Stuart Hosking, Big Brother 2
Sadly for Stuart, The Apprentice didn’t exist back when he was filling in forms and attending auditions to go on Big Brother 2. Everything he ever said on the show was conveyed in business terms, and every morning he would stand in front of one of the garden mirrors, admiring his own body as he lifted weights. This is a challenge, he was telling himself, and I must win this challenge. A terrible man, he described himself as “highly confident”, but in this instance, that confidence was very badly misplaced as he was bundled out of the door as quickly as possible – a very awkward and defensive post-show conversation with Davina ensued.
Big Brother’s conjoined twins…
Thanks to reality television, Susan Boyle – the Scottish guy who really should win Britain’s Got Talent – is going completely mental. This is because there is no such place as Fame Mountain any more. Fame Mountain, for those who don’t know, was a paradise – a sanctuary – where talented, gorgeous people could swan around in secret, listening only to the gentle strums of harp music, or the booming magnificence of their own sacred voices as they sacked someone on speaker-phone. But it is no more. Nowadays, celebrities are so numerous that they have to live down here with us normals. They are forced to bathe in the same waters as us, shop on the same rowdy street markets as us, and sometimes they even live on the same roads as us. It’s totally bonkers. And, hence, spotting these amazing people has become like a sport.
Just this week, many of you have enjoyed a field day, with someone spotting one of those people who does the slightly smug links on T4. Then Stefan saw Clive James of being Clive James fame doddering around on Regent’s Street, looking “about a million years old”. But this week’s big winner is Kelly, who spotted Thing One and Thing Two from Big Brother. “They were sitting next to me in the Topshop cafe,” confirms Kelly. Excellent work.
Kelly wins this week’s Interestment Mix Tape, which features The Chiffons, Rod Stewart, and some amazing synthesizer music.
Email your spots to [email protected]
Yes, her, the real one…
Now that money is pretty much worthless, the class divide is dissolving quicker than a soluble aspirin in an angry ocean. Famous people no longer feel the need to live in large fortresses built into cliff faces, instead they have come down from Fame Mountain to mingle with the rest of us. These days you might see a film star stocking up on mushroom vol-au-vents in Tescos, or perhaps a member of Blur buys his johnnies from the same chemist as you? The point is that celebrities now move among us, and we like nothing more than spotting the things.
This week, we had exactly two reality show sightings – both faces without names from Big Brother. “The one with brown hair,” said our friend David, almost completely uselessly. But these spots were totally blown out of the water by friend of the site Guy, who saw Her Majesty. Her actual Majesty. “I happened to be passing through Windsor last Friday,” he told us, earnestly, “when who should I see just three yards away, but The Queen, she was fairly incognito, and it is her back garden. She’s quite small.”
What an amazing spot. Hence Guy wins this week’s Interestment Mix Tape, featuring Buckingham Nicks, The Beatnuts, and much much more.
Email your spots to [email protected]
Probably one of loads…
The last few weeks/months of Jade Goody’s life have been horrible and heartwarming in equal measure, so say we. As an entertainment website, we wouldn’t normally touch tragedy and death, but for pretty much all of her adult life, Jade was part of entertainment. She was The Truman Show, but real.
To summarise, she started on Big Brother, the nation was initially repulsed by her pig-headed brainlessness, until it became quite funny – she said things like “isn’t Wales in Devon?” and “oh bloody shit, me kebab’s slipped out”. It was endearing, and being sweet and thick has a great comedy tradition in Britain, stretching right the way from the first Carry On film, to the last one. Unfortunately, it was the very same lack of intelligence that saw Jade having to apologise to India after her stint on Celebrity Big Brother. Some might argue that she kick started a very necessary race debate by being so mean and vulgar to Shilpa Shetty. They may or may not be right.
In between those contrasting bookends, she pushed Posh Spice all the way for cover popularity with both the OK! magazine readership, and the Heat one. Plus she did all the workouts, boob jobs, perfumes and ghost written biographies demanded of modern day celebrities.
And so to the tragic/heartwarming bit. The heartwarming part is easy to be cynical about – the story of her cancer battle having been flogged and flogged to kingdom come. But, to see someone so vilified for her racial crimes, her popularity nosediving, forgiven and supported through a tragic illness shows that we should have some kind of faith in humanity – even if it is made up of Heat and OK! readers.
Her death also, hopefully, should mark the end of reality television, as it is as fitting an end as you can get. When Big Brother began, it was intended as a sociological study, putting ten people together for a few weeks and watching dramas unfold. But Jade Goody, more than anyone else, kept the cameras on her when she left the house. Her cancer was diagnosed on reality television, on the Indian version of Big Brother, and her illness has been followed and recorded – it’s as reality as you can get. There isn’t anywhere to go now.
Of course, orchestrating the whole thing is Milton’s serpent, Max Clifford, who will split opinion – is it finally the selling of the soul when death is profited on so openly? Or could you never have a soul in the first place to be Max Clifford? Jade can rest assured, however, that her sons will probably never have to work – which is good/bad, depending.
Either way, we say Rest In Peace to Jade Goody. Whatever your feelings about the remarkable media circus that has surrounded her last moments, she leaves behind a fascinating legacy, and lives in the tradition of great fictional characters like Frodo Baggins – the small people, who somehow found themselves changing the face of the earth. Good on her.