We don’t like change
Honestly, who needs new people? They’re never as good as the old people – the ones you’re used to. Hence why no one ever smiles when they introduce friends to their step mother, and why Ronnie Wood will never quite be a Rolling Stone in the Keith Richards/Mick Jagger sense. And yet, year after year Big Brother throws in strange new faces to keep everyone on their toes, but no one ever likes these weirdos, and you probably couldn’t name a likable BB newbie from series’ gone by.
This time around, Karly’s boyfriend Kenny makes up one fifth of the new contingent, and he appears completely unaware that a. He’s being filmed, and b. Everyone already knows his girlfriend. It surely won’t be long before he’s enduring footage of an enthusiastic tongue kiss with Lisa during a very awkward Davina interview. He spent three grand on a pair of shoes.
The new girls are Bea from Bristol, who takes a lot of risks when she goes out – such as barefoot dancing, sexual experimentation, and pronouncing the word fabulous “fab-you-low-ssss”. She’s just that kind of chick, mental. The other girl is called Hira, and, conveniently, we can’t hear her. She’s like a mouse.
And so to the final two pieces of this very new and unappealing jigsaw. David and Tom. David is a gay gentleman from Yorkshire. To repeat, he’s a gay gentleman from Yorkshire. That’s right. Gay. From Yorkshire. Take that Geoff Boycott. David is a gay. And he’s from Yorkshire. He’s like a Monty Python sketch in human form. He’s like Geoff Capes wearing lingerie at a strong man contest. He’s gay, and he’s from Yorkshire. It’s a bit like being humble and Italian.
Whilst Tom walked into the house and immediately removed his top so that everyone could marvel for a second at the state of his torso and solid man bosoms. You could imagine him as a guest on Trisha, explaining how he used to be bullied as a kid, so he hit the gym, beefed up, and now he’s just silently despised by pretty much everyone – possibly his own family, and definitely by men like Marcus. He drinks fluids through one of those sporty beakers with the plastic nipple thing, and the countdown to his inevitable kiss with Noirin has begun.
Marcus is planning on messing him up, which might prove to be a terrible move as Tom casually tosses him around the house dismantling him like a gorilla disemboweling a cat.
Of the old lot, Siavash is still the big Interestment favourite.
Come on guys, anarchy yeah…
The thing about revolution is that it’s really hard work, it takes lots of planning, and lives will be lost. Witnessed at its height, revolution can be beautiful, almost like violent human ballet. Unfortunately, the recent Big Brother revolution lacked any semblance of unity, and if you’re going to make a stand against Big Brother, it should take a little bit more than Big Brother saying “housemates, stop making a stand” to dismantle the whole operation. Still, props should go to Siavash for almost making it onto the house roof before remembering that he was terrified of heights – that’s dedication.
Elsewhere in the house, Rodrigo is slowly deflating, and will surely end the series self harming and muttering about respect. He was so bubbly when it all started, but our hunch is that he’s so in love with Charlie that it’s ripping him apart. A bit like in Brokeback Mountain, but less cowboyish. Karly – almost certain to go tonight – has been disco dancing in one of those up-the-bum leotards, as Marcus peered on from underneath a blanket. Creepy stuff.
Somebody’s days are numbered…
It’s been a sobering week for the animals in the Big Brother zoo, as Kris – the preening chimp – was thrown to the wolves, leaving his pack of strange and exotic creatures to lick their wounds, and circle the other pride with suspicion in their eyes and the taste of fresh blood on their fangs. Lisa, part-vulture part-parrot, has reacted very badly, as she attempts to reign in her small flock – including Charlie the talking otter, Sophie the flamingo with tits, and Karly the disgruntled labrador. They have all been wandering the grounds together in very close proximity, always with one eye out for Noirin the angry rabbit, Marcus the horny mule, and Freddie the son of a wealthy owl. Neither of these groups get along, and were it not for Rodrigo the gay terrapin keeping the peace and telling all of the creatures that they should just relax and play games together, they might already have torn one another to shreds with their rabid animal mouths.
Siavash is, of course, the lion. Still our favourite.
In other house news, Marcus has adopted the age-old corrosion technique to make a beautiful woman fall for him, as he tries to pester his way into Noirin‘s tiny underpants. While Karly should be enduring the awkward Davina interview this Friday, having done little more than swear like a trooper, and constantly look like she’s just popped a cola bottle into her mouth, only to find that it was a bizarrely shaped dollop of Lisa droppings.
Is this the most Scottish woman ever?
Week something in the Big Brother house, and Karly is the mastermind behind a new game called Vowel Bingo. All you need to do is put a mix of the recognised vowels (a, e, i, o, u) randomly into a square grid, then whenever she uses one of them, you blot it out until someone wins a pre-prepared chocolate cake prize. The catch is that she rarely uses the correct vowel with the right word. It’s a hilarious game. Or, as Karly would put it, “hoolayreoose”.
Elsewhere in the house, Kris is painting a very bad picture of himself by repeatedly telling Freddie to shut up whenever he tries to speak – a technique that seems to be rubbing off on a few lesser members of the commune. And Freddie himself has turned his hand to a spot of mind-reading. Through his secret power, he already knows everyone’s strategy for winning the extremely simple popularity contest, and he is fully aware of everything that’s being said behind his back. Weirdly, regardless of the public hatred of sorcerers, he looks set to survive another week, meaning that Sree will be enduring tonight’s awkward Davina interview.
In other news, we were extremely relieved that Marcus chose not to go for a legs-akimbo Noirin in the painting task, and Siavash is still our number one.
The new Posh and Becks?
If you spend enough time with people, you’ll notice that they begin to develop some very curious behavioural patterns. That’s because human beings do funny things when they know they’re being watched. Just flick through a random bundle of photographs, and you’ll notice that you pull weird faces whenever someone points a camera at you. If that camera keeps going, like the ones in the Big Brother house do, your bizarre actions will increase multifold.
Now week three or four, Angel has really come into her own as a Gollum-type character, dressed as a London bicycle courier. She wanders the house, either casually telling perfectly thin people that they are grotesquely fat, or when she’s not doing that, she appears to be flirting with Freddie. Freddie, incidentally, who believes that in the real world, the pair would have definitely mated by now. Should they ever procreate, there’s a good chance that the offspring would be actual rats. Posh Russian rats. But rats nonetheless. It would be a bit like Rosemary’s Baby.
Elsewhere in the house, Sree has transformed himself into Russ Abbott’s Scotsman, while Marcus has forgotten the cameras completely during shower time, where he can be found sanitising himself using kitchen equipment. Yesterday he used a scouring pad to scrub muck from his upper body, pretty soon, it’ll be Cillit Bang for genitals, Fairy for underarms. The trauma of having to cut a rabbit’s penis off during the Henry VIII task could be responsible for these acts of bathroom self-harm.
All the while, Kris and Charlie have been singing a medley of chart hits, Karly has been wandering from mirror to mirror wearing just underpants and a bra, and Lisa has been telling all who will listen that the key to success in this world is to never change, and just be yourself. Ironically, by following her own advice, she has no chance of winning the show.
Tonight it’s Freddie versus Angel. Angel looks to be toast.
The Interestment favourite continues to be Siavash.
Big Brother 10, the great big launch night…
And so the housemates trundled into the house, some sprinted, some walked in slow motion whilst dressed like a Cabaret inspired demon. It was weird. Made all the weirder by Davina McCall’s decision to dress a little bit like a woman who might run a brothel. Anyway, no matter. Here’s how the first sixteen housemates came across, as decided by us…
With a beard reminiscent of General Zod in Superman II, Freddie is a little bit posh for all of this. That said, his big cheerful hugs seemed to go down well with the rest of the incomers. “Peace and love,” he declared on his way up the steps. That’s peace. And love.
With her punk rocker haircut and tatted up arms, neck, head, back, and face, Lisa has the look of a ferocious lesbian. An illusion that was immediately shattered when she embarked on an awkward conversation with Freddie about the shared moment they were enjoying.
Three minutes after her breasts, Sophie entered the house, making her already a guaranteed cover girl in the Nuts/Zoo axis of sophistication. Were she not a tits out glamour girl, she’d be an ice cream lady, she declared. Sorry, but what’s an ice cream lady?
Kris is as unconventional as the spelling of his name. Oh no, hang on, he’s not at all. He’s just another one of those Kooks-a-likes with a scraggly my-first-beard. He fumbled handfuls of cool points the minute he cooed “it smells like Allied Carpets”, whilst descending the house stairs.
Luckily for Jesus, Noirin lives her life by the Ten Commandments – or nine, as she’s already opted to bow down to another God by going on Big Brother. The Lord will not be happy about that. We’ve got a nasty feeling she might bear false witness against her neighbour at some point too. Just so long as she doesn’t covet anyone’s ox…
The youngster of the house, Cairon is a stylish American lad. Regardless that he feels gay just wiping his own bottom, he looks like the most obvious early contender for the crown. Kids will think he’s cool.
Instantly made a bad impression by taking about twenty minutes just to get up the steps, Angel would make for an awful dinner guest. Pudding done, wine empty, and yet there she is, staring at you, totally unwilling to leave. She’s slightly terrifying in a serial killer kind of way.
According to Karly, her arse is her best feature, which shows an incredible amount of humility from a girl who could have singled out her wit, her lust for medieval poetry, or her ability to change from blonde to brunette in a single frame change. The minute she saw Sophie, most of the blood drained from her face.
Should your computer go on the blink in the next week or so, gutted, because the only man who could combine fixing the thing with telling intriguing stories about the serial numbers on the back of comics is stranded in the Big Brother house. Looks like Wolverine in the same way that Trevor McDonald would if you just stuck some pretend side burns on his cheeks and told him to growl.
Kindly, to kick things off, Beinazir explained that she isn’t a prostitute. Something the other presumed-prostitutes in the house completely failed to consider doing. She then went on to explain that she frightens men, and hates posers. At that stage, we were still reeling from the prostitute revelation.
This is what happens when sickly children pull through and turn into strong young women. They pogo into the Big Brother house cackling like Jabba the Hut‘s manic giggling sidekick from Return of The Jedi. Another possible contender, she seems quite sweet, as all tiny little people do when they smile.
Unlike most Brits, Rodrigo – a Brazilian – loves England, even though it has unwittingly made him gay. Or straight. He’s just not sure. Although he does want to have sex with Latoya Jackson, which, frankly, casts no light on the situation whatsoever. Already in the house, he might win.
Charlie looks a little bit like Sean Penn in Milk, and although he insists that he can’t sit still for one second, we know he’s lying. He clearly spends at least fifteen minutes every morning patiently carving completely pointless go-faster stripes into his left eyebrow.
This year’s victim of appalling intro video syndrome, there is an immediate mountain to climb. Claims to hate all people within just a few minutes, she really should have considered the bra options when picking out a decent first night outfit.
Dressed by his mother and father, they said. And yet, there he was, Union Jack shirt underneath his jacket, Indian flag in his hand, leaving most BNP members totally bewildered. He’s got their shirt on, but he’s Indian. Brains all around Kent literally melted.
In a word – Teen Wolf.