Look at this picture, now imagine her thinner…
In one of the most monumental cultural shifts of the last 700 years, it is no longer a symbol of success to have a big sloshing gut oozing over your golden belt buckle and flowing down to your knees. On the contrary, fatness is considered to be quite disgusting. Almost as disgusting as smelliness. Hence, it’s now hip to be thin, so that you can squeeze your sparrow legs into the latest skinny jeans, and never look out of place at a late night binging-then-vomiting party. The latest skinny celebrity rocking showbusiness circles to their very core is Cheryl Cole – member of Girls Aloud, and receiver of Ashley Cole’s grunting tongue kisses almost every single damn day for the rest of her life. She’s actually, like, too thin, insists one showbiz reporter, who appears to be slightly worried that she might be unhappy in her personal life. Have these people not done the math(s) – she’s married to Ashley Cole, therefore her personal life is EXCELLENT. She’s just not that hungry.
In other news, Kylie Minogue‘s boyfriend looks a little bit bored in some pictures. And, Hollywood circles have been seriously traumatised by news that Eva Longoria is still on holiday after almost a week. One celebrity journalist in particular is absolutely astonished and a little bit furious. How dare she enjoy her riches. How bloody dare she. Here she is actually working for a living…
Couple to breed a super-race?
Breeding is a fascinating process, where the hope is that the end product (ie. baby) will have taken the good traits from each parent. Hideous mistakes have threatened to happen in the past, like the time everyone thought that Julia Roberts might have a child with a Country and Western Lyle Lovett rat face and her prickly personality. And the debate about euthenasia was once again brought up in whispering circles when it was rumoured that Ashley Cole had done it unprotected with his mirror-image around the back of Chinawhites. As it turns out, that was just a bad dream. Now, the latest couple daring to throw together some x and y chromosomes are Phil and Kate from The Apprentice. You know, Phil and Kate. He’s the one with the really deep voice who got sacked, and she’s the pretty one who might win, even though she talks from the side of her mouth like the woman in those hilarious having a stroke adverts. Talking to a showbusiness magazine, Phil said something along the lines of, “I’m a winner, I always get what I want, I’m the best, I will marry her, Sir Alan, I will definitely marry her… just make me project manager, I’ll show you that I can… LET ME SPEAK, YOU WILL GET YOUR TURN… I just want to prove that I will marry her… I’m a great salesperson, I will marry her, I love her… she’s good looking, I will marry her…” Et cetera.
In other thrilling news, the good morning everyone television presenter and horrible ballroom dancer, Kate Garraway, stunned the entire nation by leaving the house wearing a pair of leggings, even though she’s completely pregnant. We couldn’t get those pictures, so we got another one…
No room for these particular lookalikes…
Some people literally spend their entire lives staring thoughtfully at pictures of Phil Neville or Wayne Rooney, pondering which particular screen monster they should lump them alongside this time. It’s a great way of becoming a popular face in football circles – a finely judged facial observation about Michael Ballack can diffuse fights in pubs, start chit chat that eventually leads to sex with hairdressers, or simply make your mates laugh until they vomit Becks Vier all over the pavement. With that in mind, we thought we’d compile our own well-observed team of football lookalikes… sick bags ready, people.
Goalkeeper, David James
Once he decides to hang up his slippery gloves, David James presumably has a second career lined up as an underpants model. He’s spent years sculpting a body that would tighten Michelangelo’s loin cloth, and above is his lookalike, also called David. Big hands. Very big hands.
Right Back, Gary Neville
Fans of The Wire or Generation Kill might have noticed the above Gary Neville-alike. He’s called James Ransone, and, like young Gary, he tends to play psychotics.
Centre Back, Jonathan Woodgate
Brilliantly, we’ve decided that Jonathan Woodgate is a bit like a mummy, because he’s sometimes got a bandage on his leg. Hilarious.
Centre Back, Olof Melberg
We’ve deemed the legendary maniac Charles Manson to be the 1960s cult leader equivalent of the defender Olof Melberg. Both seem to share a similar steely hollowness in the eye, and, yes, beards.
Left Back, Ashley Cole
This might be a little harsh on Osama, but both men really are quite unpopular with the fans. Bin Laden for the whole international terrorism thing, Cole for steamrollering a hairdresser behind his wife’s back, pausing mid-coitus to spew, then carrying on. Rancid.
Right Midfield, David Beckham
Above football, Beckham prides himself on having fantastic hair and in his armory is a finely tuned smoulder that he pulls out of the bag during photo shoots. Not unlike a certain Fabio (above).
Centre Midfield, Joey Barton
Once in a while, a character will return to a soap, but played by a different actor. Needless to say, the hardcore viewers go mental. However, were Martin Fowler to trundle back to Albert Square, played by Merseyside’s favourite son Joey Barton, literally no one would notice. Until he nutted Dot for fluffing a line.
Centre Midfield, Frank Lampard
Never anything less than well turned out, Lampsie totters around a football pitch like a poodle walking into an exclusive dogs-only drinks party.
Left Midfield, Ronaldinho
Lots of people laugh about how Ronaldinho looks a bit like Jar Jar Binks, and how he could probably eat a grapefruit through a slot machine, but we tend to think of him as the exact mirror reflection of Chris Rock in the hilarious hip hop spoof, CB4.
Centre Forward, Carlos Tevez
Up front, Tevez just nudges out his team mate Wayne Rooney, thanks to his startling resemblance to the handsome young actor who plays Ugly Betty in the sitcom Ugly Betty.
Centre Forward, Peter Crouch
Stop a frightened old man in the street and demand that he describes Peter Crouch in three words, and he will definitely say Tall, Hapless, and Louche. Exactly the same three he used to describe Lurch from The Addams Family a week ago.
No room for these young sex machines…
It is with complete and unadulterated joy that we welcome excellent sports writer Eliot back to glance over the weekend’s football. You won’t find a team as intriguing as this one anywhere in cyberspace. Believe.
Goalkeeper, Sergio Romero
Goalkeepers; a strange breed, the dippy appearance stemming from years of being the last pick in the school playground, consequently being thrust into goal against all wishes and so spending much of the lunch-break ’32 all’ classics bending down to get the ball from the net. But surely, despite years of taking a cow’s udder full-on in the face, even this most dense of creature would realise the importance of the ‘hands’ in the day job.
But no, the current custodian of Dutch league leaders (that the EreDivisie to yoush and meesh) AZ Alkmaar, decided that so traumatic was the 2-1 cup defeat to NEC Breda, the best possible outcome would be his removal from the team for six weeks with a broken hand. So he thumped the wall with his fist. Well done Sergio Romero. Next week, Huw Edwards cuts off his tongue in a similarly well-thought-out career move.
Right Back, Steven Taylor
Being a round of the FA Cup that isn’t the third, Newcastle United were not in action this weekend. Yet defender Steven Taylor, fresh from telling Ronaldo – in a comedic manner echoing Winston Churchill no less – that he was ugly, revealed to the Times on Friday how he intends to help the Toon fight the drop.
“I find myself getting bored a lot and when I’m bored, I’m dangerous. The fun part is trying to get out of trouble. But there’s a serious side to it as well. For our Christmas do, we went out for a bonding session and a couple of the young lads, Fraser Forster and Jonny Godsmark, decided to go home early. When I looked around and saw they’d gone, I thought, ‘We’re in this together, you can’t do that.’ The consequences were me getting a master key card, going into their room and using a Bic to shave their hair off. They had Mohicans. And that was just my little warning. The next night, they were out with the rest of us until the very end. That’s how it should be. That’s how this football club needs to stay together. It might sound daft, but it’s important.”
“I also get the lads playing pool,” Taylor continued. “With forfeits. If you lose, you’ve got to do something like take a shot of Tabasco, or have an ice bath. I get more nervous doing that than playing football.”
Steven Taylor is club captain of Newcastle United. AC Milan captain, and five times European Cup winner Paulo Maldini, probably doesn’t behave like this.
Left Back, Ashley Cole
For showing us all how an evening spent raising charity should end. After all, we only do good deeds so as to cancel out our discrepancies. Ashley was planning in advance.
Centre Back, Alex
Guus Hiddink’s book of innovative tactical genius part 26: Start play with nine players, send on additions at random points so they can’t be traced by the opposition. Watch them score. Deny its cheating.
Centre Back, Cagdas Atan
Crazy name, crazy guy, and some crazy goalkeeping for this free kick. Hertha Berlin go a goal down at Cottbus, but you’ll be relieved to know they recovered to win 3-1, and stretch their lead to 4 pts at the top of the Bundesliga.
Right Midfield, David Beckham
A man who continues to prove you can have it all. Going against 120 years of transfer consensus, Beckham is now organizing his own little timeshare between European giants AC Milan, and American non-entities, LA Galaxy. Try and buy a player 20 minutes after the window closes on August 31st, and you might as well be trying to rape Sepp Blatter’s mother. Yet Beckham has managed to bend the transfer system around the wall, to suit his own climatic preferences. Milan in Autumn and Spring; LA in Winter and Summer.
When he married in 1999, Beckham, like most men at that time, could never have imagined tiring of steamrollering Victoria Beckham. When he signed up for a life playing the beautiful game in the MLS, Becks surely never imagined he could tire of California. The existential moral of the story is that everything gets rubbish eventually, so death is necessary, or else ennui would set in for us all. A point old Becks is probably mulling over this very moment.
Left Midfield, Francis Lee
This is still interesting. Very interesting in fact.
Centre Midfield, Alex Song
The man the Arsenal fans sarcastically christen the African Beckenbauer suddenly morphed into the African Zidane (yes, we know the original Zidane was born in Africa too, clever clogs), with his sublime back-heel for Emmanuel Eboue’s third goal yesterday. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Centre Midfield, Marcelo Gallardo
Gaining the moniker of “the new Maradona” is as common for diminutive Argentinian playmakers as it is for English new-borns to be looked after by grandma whilst mummy finishes her GCSEs. Marcelo Gallardo has never quite lived up the hype, with two brief spells in France the only European airing of his talents. Yet his goal two minutes into this clip, a goal that put River Plate 2-1 up against Arsenal Sarandi, is meriting of a wider audience.
Yes, nice old cuddly Brazilian Ronaldo, back amongst the goals for Corinthians, a last minute header to equalise against Palmeiras. Good to have you back big guy. Aw shucks, look at that smile.
Every ten years or so, in order to compensate for the heartless society we live in, a nation grieves far in excess to any genuine anguish we feel. In the 80s, we mourned the loss of John Lennon despite many years earlier mourning the loss of his talent. In the 90s, we had Diana, a woman who touched many, but ultimately, a woman who none of us had ever had round for tea.
This decade, we have had the venerated Eduardo, a hero to all of us, who unfortunately injured his leg on the battlefields of Birmingham. Thankfully, against all odds and unlike dozens of other footballers who have also come back from injury, the Croatian has bravely retuned, displaying his heroic credentials by scoring goals against Cardiff City and Burnley.
Bunting shall be hung from every street corner in honour of this plucky foreigner, and a Bank Holiday shall be declared henceforth, on March 8th, National Eduardo Day. <yawn yawn>
Hey, haven’t we seen you somewhere before?
It’s nothing new for footballers to look to style icons in search of their vibe. Becksie famously plunders through his wife’s wardrobe to find nice sparkly frocks to make him feel special, and anyone who hasn’t seen Lampsie, JT, Drog Drog and the Cole Sisters skipping through Top Man merrily pretending that items of clothing are gymnastic ribbons obviously hasn’t ever been to Top Shop. Honestly, go on Friday – they’ll be there. Which leads us convieniently to Tottenham Hotspur’s prodigal child, Jermain Defoe. Ignoring his fellow player’s lust for silks, last night he fashioned his look on one of soul musics most beloved icons, Donny Hathaway. By which we mean that he wore a hat.
Some classic Hathaway AND classic Defoe after the jump…