Say hello to BRAGINA
It’s always excellent to hear from a member of the Interestment family, and today it’s the turn of Debs. She’s been away for a bit, but now she’s back, and she’s turned her arched eyebrow and golden celebrity microscope up to Eleven. Here, she’s talking about strange celebrities and their weird nicknames. She had this to say…
As mentioned before, abbrevos are excellent – so good that showbusiness circles have thought it totally necessary (or totally ness) for celebrity names to be handed a catchy, shortened, handle. Harmless enough you’d think, but embarrassment can ensue if you’re not prepared. For example: if someone utters Su-Bo they refer not to a forgotten martial art, but actually to the ubiquetously lumpen Scottish gentleman who went into meltdown after Britain’s Got Talent. By uttering TomKat, the speaker in fact alludes to the eternally unconvincing partnership of Cruise and the brunette from Dawson’s Creek – not Lidl‘s own-brand petfeed. By Brangelina – or Bragina as we prefer – they very much do not mean a jarred meat relish, or Thrush cream, but rather Angelia Jolie and Brad Pitt. And LiLo is very actually Lindsay Lohan, American blonde actressingerthing – not a cheap, plastic, water mattress.
So now you know.
Sweet Berry Wine! Dr. Steve Brule
Angelina Jolie – the actress who spends long summer evenings dragging her nails down Brad Pitt’s perspiring back – is 34 today. She’s had quite a life. She’s acted in films, got weird tatts done, carried Billy Bob Thornton blood samples around in a carrier bag. She’s strange. So strange that she’s spent literally her entire life puffing her thin lips out to an extreme pout, and has somehow convinced the world that they naturally look like that. Have we got MUG written on our forehead, Angelina? Have we? No we haven’t. No we haven’t. Anyway, regardless of her stupid pretend mouth, we thought we’d get her a gift, so we sat in the corner of an Australian pub while the rugby was on, and decided that we should either get her a sharp pencil to stab rugby players with, or a Steve Brule video, even though we gave Charlie Watts a Steve Brule video earlier in the week. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Angelina!
Finally, she’s not bonkers…
As everyone is fully aware, a decent celebrity sanity barometer can be found in a simple swimming outfit. If they look great in a bikini or some Speedos, we can rest easy, they’re going to be fine. But if they take to the beach showing signs of having cellulite on their buttocks or a rather protruding belly, it’s time to panic, the strange voices are back. Other tell-tale madness giveaways include beards, ripped jeans, or a simple request to be left alone. We, as you can well imagine, are on constant orange alert looking out for bananas celebrities. One of whom, Britney Spears, is no longer completely mental. It’s true. Some well placed showbusiness journalists have happily reported that the confused American singer has finally bounced back from the murky waters of inner bedlam by going to the beach exhibiting her brand new bikini body. Thank Christ for that. She’s going to be absolutely fine from now on.
Elsewhere in the world of showbusiness, that awful “I won a scholarship to Sandhurst” one from The Apprentice (below) finally got the boot, and actually looked like he was going to weep in the back of the cab. He definitely did a good punching job on the lobby sofa when Sir Sugar ejected him. He will bounce back, they insisted. He will bounce back. Meanwhile, over in the French cinema town of Cannes, Bragina have been wowing people by pretty much snogging in public. One showiz reporter in particular was astonished by this.
Actor goes out with model
Poor Mickey Rourke. Officially our number one actor, he used to have it all – the cash, the clothes, the startling boy band looks. Then, the story goes that he was smashed from pillar to post, shunned by his peers, and ended up on a backstreet plastic surgery table have Barbie dolls melted all over his face. The world was torn over which would suffer the worst – his career? Or his love life? As it turns out, the giddy hand of Lady Luck decided to throw a curve ball, and now his career is peaking like never before. He has even become something of a sexual revelation to a whole new generation who probably haven’t seen his excellent work in 9 1/2 Weeks. Just today, certain showbusiness reporters have been standing back and applauding as Mickey took to the New York drinking scene with a beautiful young underpants model called Eugenia Volodina. An actor? With a model? What?
Elsewhere, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – collectively known as Bragina – have been whipping showbusiness reporters into a trouser bursting frenzy of excitement by nipping out for a bite to eat in France’s most famous cinema town, Cannes.
And, the winner isn’t…
Only in recent years have actresses been given roles worth studying for, before that they were either simpering wives or aggressive prostitutes. Read more…