Hello, Miss Punchy
For those of you with appetites whetted but nowhere to sink your fangs, we have been doing odds and ends for the wonderful grown up gossip site Hecklerspray – which, by the way, we shall be guest editing later in the month, more on that nearer the time. This week, we decided to honour the approaching end of festival season by looking at some rather intriguing live performers. WARNING: Includes a Winehouse face jab.
Elsewhere in the world, you can find us on Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, and if you missed out on reserving tickets for tomorrow’s sold out comedy show, we will be hosting another one on October 2nd. Come along to that one instead!
Celebrity in cocaine shocker!
It’s hard to accept it when someone you love is a drug addict. You can live in total denial, convinced that their gigantic pupils and open conversations with an invisible koala bear are just hilarious dinner party jokes – they’re being quirky. Or you might explain their overlong livid spider monkey impression as a strange side effect of drinking too much tea. It’s only when they appear on the front page of a national newspaper shoveling Tony Montana size dollops of cocaine into their withered nostrils that you finally accept it that, yes, they might have occasionally been dabbling with drugs. Hence, there was a resigned silence smothering big celebrity news desks this week when Kerry Katona was finally caught with her metaphorical pants down having a nose up. One showbusiness journalist in particular can’t quite believe that the mother-of-some has been piling herself with narcotics, and then denying it. How could she lie to us? Surely drug users should be more open? Some might argue that by constantly appearing on television with her bottom lip desperately gnawing her top lip, she didn’t really need to spell it out. Massive sectors of the celebrity world have been so upset by Kerry’s demise that they’ve been overheard sniffing in nightclub toilets, obviously doing their crying in private. Sometimes in groups of two or three.
In other showbiz news, Amy Winehouse has left the entire planet agog by having little blobs of white spattered about HER nose. And, in non-drug-related news, Kanye West has got a new girlfriend (below), and she’s really pretty. If a bit bald.
Someone’s feeling better…
There is no better way to show the world that the mumbling voices in your mind have been silenced than by hitting a holiday resort and slipping into a nice sexy bikini. Just look at Britney Spears. Not long ago she was a screaming maniac with a scalp as bald as a teenager’s elbow, and there was serious talk around hot showbiz desks about whether to start working on a dour obituary or not. Some remote corners of sick society were even taking bets on who would croak first, her or Winehouse. But now, you can totally remove Britney from that particular gamble, that you very much – or perhaps just replace her with Mischa Barton? – because the woman is completely fine. In fact, she’s so fine that important celebrity reporters have been astonished by her nice figure, and one even noted that she wore three completely different bikinis on three consecutive days. Time was when she’d barely change her knickers. Were she even bothering with them.
In other important celebrity updates, Elle McPherson has committed the schoolgirl error of repeatedly turning up at important events wearing outfits already seen on Posh Spice – cringe! And Jennifer Ellison – the blonde one from Brookside who used to go out with Steven Gerrard (below, washing her hair in a swimming pool) – has stunned everyone into a state of silent shock by becoming pregnant after having unprotected sexual intercourse with her boyfriend about four months ago.
Okay, most of you then…
For those of you still hungry for meat, we have been doing odds and ends for the excellent grown up gossip site Hecklerspray. This week we decided to take a hilarious sideways look at celebrity makeovers, featuring the tubby girl from Steps, River Phoenix’s brother, Winehouse, and a member of the original Take That. Have a look for yourself here.
What is THAT?
Should you still have a craving for words and pictures, we have been doing odds and ends for the magnificent people of Hecklerspray. This week, we’ve cast a contentious shadow of doubt over brilliant TV shows like The Wire , so-so singers like Amy Winehouse, and that unfortunate waste of time, Slumdog Millionaire. Go here, then get cross with us for being just so wide of the mark.
Merry Easter everyone.
This young blondie missed the cut…
Soul music is rife in the charts these days, there’s even something of a Brit invasion going on in America. Adele, Estelle, Duffy, Wino, the Stone-mason – they’re all at the forefront of a very ladylike UK soul movement. It’s great. And yet, none of the five would make this list. Neither would Craig David, who might be mocked and vilified post-Bo Selecta, but still remains a decent singer with a smashing beard. Sade, Mick Hucknall (seriously), Paul Weller, Mark Morrison, Caron Wheeler, and Terri Walker are other notable absentees. In the end, we plumped for these sparkling young things…
A hideously underrated international soul voice, he appears to be held in higher esteem over in America, where he has worked with Angie Stone, Erykah Badu, Leon Ware, and Stevie Wonder. There’s Nothing Like This is a classic soul record, whatever the era.
2. Alice Russell
While the likes of Joss Stone and Duffy get all the plaudits, and the Dusty Springfield comparisons, this girl is the real blue eyed soul sensation of the moment. Her voice is startlingly good, she’s worked with the excellent Quantic Soul Orchestra, and below is a fantastic rendition of a White Stripes song that she sang with Nostalgia 77. Amazing.
3. Leona Lewis
Whatever your feelings about Simon Cowell shows, and awful young reality oiks with their silly dreams and stupid aspirations, they really did stumble across a gem with this girl. She’s got tight curly hair, and, even better, she looks set to stand alongside Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston, which is really saying something. A genuinely fantastic pop/soul singer.
4. Rod Stewart
This one was a close call, with Joe Cocker and Young Americans era David Bowie pushing him close, but before he morphed into an appallingly bland old man singing from the American songbook, Rod Stewart was a marvelous young mod/soul singer with a brilliant-sounding throat infection. Excellent work, Rod. Now cough.
This man is not one of them
Once again, one of our most gifted contributors, Debs, has turned her educated glance onto society. This time focusing on those in the public eye who can’t be bothered with making themselves sparkle. She had this to say…
Just like Elvis Presley, famous people all have an obsession with bathrooms. Bathrooms with televisions. Bathrooms with gold effigies of Jesus. Bathrooms housing a swathe of performing midgets. Except these perennially soiled looking individuals to whom Imperial Leather will always be just another royal fabric:
1. Amy Winehouse
Filthy, dirty songstress who has been seen combing actual fieldmice out of her beehive. Too busy drinking turps and smoking jazz cigarettes to bother with much-needed water/soap combo. Last known wash: April 2004.
The Pasadenas, Tribute (Right On)
Long before Duffy and Winehouse began looting Motown back catalogues for ideas, these guys were already at it. As pop/soul songs go, this one is an absolute belter, only slightly ruined by the band’s decision to dress up like cast members from Grease. An underrated pop group.
Hmmm, a curious woman…
It’s a known fact that since vinyl morphed into CD, then CD into zany online downloads, hardly anyone can be bothered making a decent record cover. What’s the point? No one’s going to see it. Time was when artists – actual professional artists, with visions– were commissioned to create something magical. Now it’s just some bloke with a digital camera telling the pop star to look moodily into the distance. Rubbish. BUT, every so often, something will come along and very nearly raise an eyebrow, such as the above Amy Winehouse cover. A Motown inspired record, the sleeve shows her looking made up, yet bony and whithered (as is her trademark), sitting on a school chair, in front of a blackboard (RIP). As usual, some little scamps have been monkeying around, drawing pictures that have been rubbed out – see, there’s a hilarious stick man in the bottom right hand corner. And yet, the big question remains: is she playing the role of teacher? Or is she a student?
Or did a man with a digital camera just tell her to sit in a chair and look moody?
There’s a reminder of what she was like before all the junk took a hold after the jump…