28 things to cherish post-Lockdown

There’s so much to look forward to with the end of lockdown on the horizon. Here are some of the precious moments of freedom heading your way, remember to cherish them this time…

Blanking your neighbours, possibly even hiding from them.

Not putting a mask on when you go into a shop. Unless you’re robbing it, in which case mask on obviously.

Finally being unsure of how to greet people again – you do one kiss, then two, they go in for an unheard-of third. Next thing you know, big mortgage, two kids.

Gingerly approaching a toilet that’s got the lid down.

Getting so drunk you can’t remember what you were saying, or even whether you were speaking.

Trying to figure out if someone’s pregnant or fat on a crowded bus. Then convincing yourself you deserve the seat, you’ve earned it.

Worrying that your flies are undone, and not only that, they’ve flared so dramatically that the whole atrocity is on show.

Talking to a hairdresser for a quarter of a haircut, then spending the last three quarters scrambling fruitlessly in your mind for a single thing to say.

Turning a baseball cap backwards and becoming immediately self-conscious. You’re not that guy, mate. Don’t worry about it, you’re just not that guy.

Struggling to pluralise the word brioche in a bakery.

Being outraged, and also sort of impressed, that someone had the brass neck to microwave fish in the work kitchen.

Going to a wedding and desperately avoiding talking to the bride and groom.

Not caring during meetings.

Taking a picture of a swimming pool on holiday and doing a smug joke about the view from today’s office. Then sitting alone in an empty void.

Just fucking walking into a fucking shop and buying a big fucking Victoria Sponge.

Pissing against a wall in a Santa hat.

Wandering into one of those unassuming restaurants everyone talks about – you know, the ones that don’t realise they’re restaurants.

Attempting butterfly at the local pool for exactly two seconds before acknowledging that it’s not going to work out.

Wearing shorts so tight that everyone can see the precise contours of your groin and also of your Ventolin inhaler.

Watching a workman doing something muscular while you eat a piece of toast with strawberry jam on it.

Going to a sporting event and not knowing the words to any of the chants, so just sort of miming along and occasionally randomly shouting “fuck off mate” at an official.

Talking to people in the street and desperately trying to remember how to end conversations.

Walking down a beach playing a saxophone.

Lifting weights in a gym and feeling really great about yourself. Then not being able to lift your arms for the rest of your life.

Watching a cool film like Krull at the cinema.

Tearing down the side of a packet to share some salt and vinegar crisps, then eating pretty much all of them yourself.

Going to a museum, and immediately wondering how long it is before you can leave this place.

Deciding you should complain at a restaurant, then telling them the food was excellent. Really lovely.

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