I’m another year older, here are 10 BRAND NEW things I know

It’s a RAM on a bookshelf!


It’s becoming a bit of a tradition for me to get a year older and to list the 10 things that I’ve discovered or lessons I’ve learned over the past twelve months. And when I say it’s becoming a tradition, I mean that I did it once last year and now I’m doing it again. That’s how traditions begin, it’s a fresh tradition, the point of which is that we never stop learning, our minds are like big fuck off sponges absorbing a constant stream of new information at all times, no matter how old we get. So with that in mind, here’s what I’m taking away from the last year, all of which I spent being 37 years old. I’m now a very sexy 38…

Jeff Garlin podcasts might be the best podcasts ever
I’m constantly on the lookout for great things to listen to, to pass the time of day or distract me from global atrocities, and this is my absolute favourite thing at the moment. Big lovable fat man talks enthusiastically and lovingly to other funny people. Result: excellent. (THEY’RE ALL HERE)

Early Madonna records are great for running to
The only thing I know with any certainty in this life is that when I’m an old man I’m going to have an amazing pair of tits, hence I like to delay this inevitable onset of obesity by going treadmilling a few times each week, which finds me in a vest top lolloping along to (in actual order): Get Into The Groove, Open Your Heart, Borderline, Just Like a Prayer, then Papa Don’t Preach. I’ve literally never been less gay.

Plastic farmyard animals look great in your home
I’m no interior decorator, but if I was I’d be telling all of my clients to forget about expensive ashtrays and posters in clip frames, just fork out a few quid on plastic farmyard animals instead. After all, is anything more fun than having your morning shower, then realising there’s a plastic ram staring at you from a shelf?

If you have unprotected sexual intercourse with your wife, chances are she’ll get pregs
This time last year I was singing the praises of getting hitched, now we’ve only gone and put a thing up the old duff, and thanks to my highly-potent and strong marble-like penis I have also discovered that the unavoidable onset of parenthood drives you completely insane. With JOY. (and quite a lot of fear)

Meditation is GOOD
In case you haven’t dotted-the-dots yet, I’m one of those godawful lipstick liberals who grow beards to distract you from their esteem issues. Hence I like to take time out and meditate using a fucking APP that I actually fucking PAID FOR. It teaches me to embrace my inner princess.

Simon Rich short stories are wicked
I keep falling in love with arch new-age 20something Woody Allens who somehow manage to send up hipster culture while perpetuating the stereotype. First there was Lena Dunham who I still adore, and now there’s this guy whose short story collections are wickeeeed. Particularly The Last Girlfriend on Earth.

Men like me can drink rosé wine
Probably the emergence of aggressively metrosexual specimens like Don Draper is behind the new wave of male rosé drinkers, which I’m very aware may just consist of me and no one else. I’m trying to say that I like pink wine, where once I just drank lager. I have also added cider to my roster of things that I might drink so I’m really growing as a person.

THAILAND isn’t only for studes and nimrods
Earlier this year I splashed out on a truckload of short shorts and went over to see what all the fuss around Thailand is about. Turns out it’s really stunning, boiling hot, and you can get an incredibly joyful woman on a roadside to rustle you up a mind-blowing green papaya salad for less than a shilling. I’d go back just for her.

Uniqlo flannel shirts are very “breathable”
As a generally sweaty man, most of my wardrobe decisions are based on adorning myself in materials that don’t trouble my trigger-happy inner cooling system. These have been a mesmerising discovery for me.

THIS Tim Buckley song rocks my world
Looking at it objectively, I think I might have spent the last twelve months becoming gradually more pretentious, a stark journey that’s culminated with me falling head over heels for this song by Jeff Buckley’s DAD Tim.

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