Okay so I’ve built THE IDEAL MAN



To exist as a successful man in the modern world is to be multifaceted in a way that seems impossible. Possibly because it is impossible. Take me for example – I’m a very-slightly overweight 30something male with barely any money, and yet I’m one of the lucky ones! I’ve snared a woman and carved a small niche for myself, I own a fraction of a small flat in a sardine can tower block in South London. I can enjoy a casual lunch in a cheap restaurant, but put me in an environment that commands even the remotest quantity of formality or requires me to wear a tie and my eyes widen with uncertainty and I become confused by everything. It’s a very complex situation, and one that got me thinking about what it really takes to be a man these days, and then that thought morphed into a couple of other different thoughts and then eventually I found myself building a weird Frankenstein’s Monster of my IDEAL MAN. He looks exactly like THIS….

(Feel very free to strongly disagree with me in the comments section.)


Carradine 2

1970s Keith Carradine – being a rampant (ish) heterosexual male with a penis that has only ever been enjoyed by chicks or glanced at by other men in urinals/changing rooms, I’m comfortable in myself and have no problem speculating about sexy dudes, and they don’t come much more alluring than this gorgeous specimen, who in his 1970s heyday was the dictionary definition of “super-hot”. He narrowly beats 1980s Tom Selleck, who would also definitely get it. Right lads?


Cavett Welch

1970s Dick Cavett – most men struggle in dinner party situations, mainly because enforced small talk is a horrible horrible thing. I’ve been known to wake up in the dead of night covered in sweat and screaming for dear life because I had a dream about sitting next to a stranger at a friend’s casual get together. Hence our man is going to need the levels of charm, brainpower, and conversational agility that you’d only find in the greatest talk show host of all time.


Mitch Hedberg

1990s Mitch Hedberg – having a GSOH (shorthand for Good Sense of Humour, which in turn means LOLZ) has been a must-have personality staple for years now, and this was milliseconds away from being awarded to 1980s Chevy Chase who managed to combine being MEGA-LOLZ with also being very charming. But in the end I went for Mitch Hedberg because he’s my favourite comedian of all time. He says very silly things. Or at least he did before he died from taking a very silly amount of drugs.


Geof Capes

1980s Geoff Capes – historically speaking, a man’s physical strength is a very important trait. In the olden days it was proof that he could kill bears to protect girls, more recently it means he looks reem in a pair of short shorts. Anyway, every child of the 1980s knows that there was simply no one stronger than Geoff Capes, not even Hercules, 1910s Rasputin, or 1980s BA Baracus. Geoff could lift boulders and waddle towards plinths like no one had ever seen.


 James Dean

1950s James Dean – once in a while a man has to brood in order to be as attractive as possible, that’s why you’ll sometimes find them sucking in their cheeks and pretending not to know that their left hand is taking a “selfie” of them for their Facebook profile. The best way to really smoulder is to pop a cigarette into your mouth and stare into the distance pretending to be the movie icon James Dean. His middle name was actually Brooding. Sorry, Byron. His middle name was Byron.



1980s John McEnroe – confidence can be intoxicating and beguiling and it can also be other descriptive words that sound more complicated and intellectual than plain old “attractive”. This prized mantle very nearly went to 1960s Muhammad Ali or 2010s Usain Bolt, both of whom were not remotely short on confidence, but there’s something about 1980s John McEnroe and his innate ability to believe in himself that makes him one of the truly great men of our time. And before you even think it, yes I can be serious.


Stevie Wonder 

1970s Stevie Wonder – I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been in an awkward situation that would really benefit from a pitch-perfect rendition of Summer Soft from Songs in The Key Of Life or some quick vocal runs from Superwoman on Music of My Mind. Possibly eight times, perhaps nine or ten. Eleven? Whatever way, at the height of his powers Steveland Wonder was a musical god whose run of albums in the 1970s hasn’t been bettered by anyone, and I include legendary bands like The Beatles and Kraftwerk in that. To have his syrupy voice and mad keyboarding skills would be amazing.



1989 David Boon – forget Oliver Reed or Peter O’Toole or any of those notorious boozers, this stocky Australian cricketer had a capacity for keeping down alcohol that’s barely believable. So lore has it that he once got through 52 cans of lager on a flight from Sydney to London. I’m not saying that the ideal man would ever behave in such a crude and uncouth manner, I’m just saying it would be nice to be ABLE to without suddenly spewing on a shocked and disappointed air hostess or bursting into tears. Should the situation ever arise etc…



1870s Paul Cezanne – artists are strange and alluring, they have secret inner depths that women adore, and were you to ask any bloke worth his salt he’d tell you that the great thing about Cezanne was that he specialised in pretty still life paintings (excellent for girls) that were always really gutsy too, as if the apples or flowers were made of concrete that would break your teeth (ideal for lads). “He’s the perfect balance of fey femininity and raw masculine sex appeal,” he’d tell you, before taking a very decisive bite of a Snickers and walking off.



1990s Zinedine Zidane – it’s important for modern men to have a degree of footballing ability, if only so that they can hoof the ball back to a group of kids in a park without shaming themselves to the point of never leaving the house again. The ideal scenario would be to take a romantic stroll with your woman, and when the cries of “HERE MISTER GIZZAR BALL BACK” inevitably invade the moment, you casually flick it up with your left and launch it with missile precision from your right.



1960s Kurt Vonnegut – great writer, amazing human being, the sole reason I’m including Vonnegut is because he’s my writing idol. If I was a computer guy I’d probably settle for Jobs or Gates, or if I worked in catering I’d go for Roux Jr or Pierre White. But I don’t do either of those things, I write. Which is a stupid way to earn a living. Unless you’re Kurt Vonnegut.

Any more for any more?


One Response to Okay so I’ve built THE IDEAL MAN

  1. Oraleek says:

    I love this, you have described my ideal man. Reem!

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