10 Greatest Comic Book Superheroes EVER

Including my first ever girlfriend (in a way)

Aurora-main

For years a war has raged about which comic book publishing house is the best – DC with Superman and Batman, or Marvel with basically everyone else? Let’s make this one short: Marvel wins. And after decades of research I think I know who the best superheroes are too. Read on, sweet prince/princess/just a person…

Aurora (Alpha Flight)

Aurora-and-Northstar-ACTUAL

When I first met Aurora I was a seven year old boy with a weird did-it-myself hairstyle and she was a drawing of a French Canadian chick who obviously had boobs, and I noticed her boobs and there were boobs and I was confused by the boobs and she could fly. We fell in love immediately.

Daredevil

Daredevil

Each night before I went to sleep I’d look up at the massive poster of Daredevil on my wall and I’d do a superhero salute as if we were somehow brethren, equals even. Sadly I knew deep down that if I ever came face-to-face with the blind karate expert he’d probably playfully rabbit punch me and I’d die immediately.

Power Man

Power-Man-ACTUAL

Not a conventional superhero, Power Man would turn up to problematic situations wearing a casual yellow blouse unbuttoned to the waist, teamed with tight jeggings and a tiara to match his belt and his bangle. It’d be like being pounded into a bloody pulp by Prince.

Sub-Mariner

Sub-Mariner-ACTUAL

The story goes that an old sailor had unprotected sex with an underwater princess and nine months later the Sub-Mariner oozed gracefully from her vagina in an ocean hospital in the kingdom of Atlantis. His fish-skin underpants presumably made his genitals smell absolutely adorable.

She-Hulk (The Fantastic Four)

She-Hulk

Everyone knows about guy-Hulk, who goes from nerdy doctor to angry fat monster at the whims of his hair-trigger temper. She-Hulk is essentially the same only she develops Jessica Rabbit curves and a husky Mariella Frostrup voice.

Puck (Alpha Flight)

Puck

Puck was my favourite comic book character from 1984-1986 and I put that down to him being the same height as me at the time, clocking it at a sexy 3 ft 7 inches tall. His superpower was being really good at PE. Who wouldn’t want that?

Nightcrawler (X-Men)

Nightcrawler

The X-Men were the coolest. You had Colossus, Storm, Sideburns, One-Eye, Dr Angry, Bald Wheelchair Nerd, Think Tank, Laughing Boy, Strop Face, Numpty, Sheeba, Tobin, Gaviscon and Octopus Hands. My favourite was Nightcrawler who was navy blue.

Doctor Strange

Doctor-Strange

Like literally every kid in Great Britain during the 1980s I owned a Paul Daniel’s magic kit and would parade around with a white-tipped wand thinking I was a sorcerer. Doctor Strange was actually a sorcerer. KA-CHISS!

Iceman

Iceman

The best character on Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends, a former X-Man, I used to spend hours in my bedroom roaring with laughter at the thought of Iceman and Storm ever getting it on. Her creating thunder and lightening, him freezing things – they’d make hilarious weather conditions! I was a very lonely child.

Iron Man

Iron-Man

He’s based on the trillionaire lunatic Howard Hughes, he’s represented in film by the former wild child Robert Downey Jr. He likes to fight first and have enthusiastic just-killed-a-guy sex later.

Any more for any more?

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