It’s London Fashion Week, here’s 5 fashionable items I could NEVER live without

Including these guys

It’s London Fashion Week this week which means you’ll see pictures of Rihanna sitting next to Alexa Chung sitting next to Bob Geldof’s children who will be stationed either side of actual Bob Geldof looking like two chicks-about-town and a man in a gurning competition with himself – some guy in jeans and a fence on his face will walk up and down a catwalk to literally zero laughter. That stuff is strange and fucked up and sometimes I think it’s hilarious to call it London Fancy Dress Week. Anyway I have an ongoing relationship with fashion so I thought it would be great fun to talk about a few things I could never live without…

I’m a big shoe-wearing fan for numerous reasons ranging from them protecting your feet from dog and cat shit to them looking nice, and last time I counted I had something like 20 pairs of shoes (I’m such a Samantha!). These all tend to be either Clarks Originals or smart pairs that my dad gave me because we figured out that we have the same size feet and he was chucking some away because he’s got disposable income and can do whatever the fuck he likes. I also own one pair of Reebok Classics because every once in a while I like to look like I might be on my way home from burgling a load of houses.

If the year really is 365 days long then I’ll spend at least 364 and a half of those wearing a top and the remaining half a day self-consciously wondering why I took my top off and paranoid that people are inwardly laughing at my nipples. So I’m big on tops, specifically cheap polo shirts from H&M that you can get for about a fiver each or second hand shirts that are slightly off-colour under the armpits because some dead dude sweated in them. At the moment, because I’m a twat, I wear lots of loud shirts you’d normally see on old retired American men.

Despite having a great body that makes people either very wet or very hard indeed I am also man enough to admit that my legs are truly awful. They look like Twiglets and thus I’m doomed to spend most of my life hiding them beneath a world of trouser cloth – don’t be sad for me though, this is actually quite good news because I enjoy wearing trousers A LOT. The rules are very simple: during the hotter months I wear brightly coloured loungewear, then the rest of the year it’s cords in autumnal colours like brown or dark brown or very slightly less dark brown. I also own one pair of Levis which I intend to pour my curves into if ever I’m invited to a 1950s street brawl.

Jackets are versatile, some have got zips on them, some have buttons, some are velcro if you can’t cope with zips or buttons. They’re great at protecting you from whichever element is prevalent that day, be it rain, snow, thunder, gunshot, knife wounds. Whatever.  Now that I’m an elderly gentleman I tend to stick to smart tweeds or sports jackets that I picked up for the astonishing price of pretty much sod-all from the local Help The Elderly shop. Recently I was in a small village on holiday and I stumbled across an army surplus store so I’ve now got a green Vietnam veteran jacket that makes me look like a funny mirror version of Travis Bickle too. God I’m amazing at buying cheap clothes for myself.

If I’m in a mall with my girlfriends we like nothing more than drinking a strawberry milkshake and prowling around looking to shoplift the latest cool accessories. I’m joking of course. I’m a grown man not a girl, and I don’t have girlfriends anymore because I have a wife and she’s all the woman I need, so back off – if I did have girlfriends I wouldn’t call them girlfriends anyway, I’d call them mistresses and I certainly wouldn’t talk to you about them. I’m not stupid. Anyway, I like to accessorise my bad eyesight with a pair of glasses and I wear a wedding ring because as I alluded to earlier in a very blatant way I’m now married. I also have an earring in one ear because I’m in serious denial about my age. Oh and I own two watches. TWO! Like I’m a footballer!

What can’t YOU live without?

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