The 10 greatest CHEESES you will ever eat in your LIFE

Including this guy

Hands up who loves cheese. Okay hands down. Statistically all but one of you just raised your hand, some of you put up two hands, a few people whooped as if whooping somehow means you like cheese more than anyone else, a spattering shouted OH I LOVE CHEESE!, and since this paragraph started one person has committed suicide on account of a cheese dream but it doesn’t matter because literally thousands of babies have been born to replace that person in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, I have no idea what I’m on about, I’m here to tell you the TEN greatest cheeses of all time not necessarily in order, and here they are…

Extra Mature Cheddar Cheese
Cheddar is hugely popular in this country, by which I mean England. I’m literally writing this sitting in my English kitchen which as you can imagine smells of great English things like freshly made muffins and toast and decaffeinated tea and The Rolling Stones and New Order and Michael Fish and nutty brown ale and smelly bottoms or feet. Oh no hang on that’s not smelly bottoms or feet, it’s just a pile of extra mature cheddar cheese that I like to bite lumps out of on a semi-regular basis. It’s lovely stuff despite its disorientating funk. Put it in a toastie, lush! Have it in a sandwich, yum! Grate it onto some pasta, pee-ow! Or even some chips, SWOOOSH! Pop it on a wooden board next to an apple and some grapes. NICE.

Cottage Cheese
Fucking hell this stuff is bonkers, and that’s because it’s fresh cheese taken straight from the cow’s boobs and stirred around in a bowl or something, then served on a jacket potato by lunchtime. I don’t know how it works I’m not a scientist. I do know, however, that when Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey she was eating this. Curds and whey is just a really pretentious way of saying cottage cheese. Try it with pineapples.

In molecular terms this cheese is absolute genius. In its cooler state you can enjoy it next to some tomatoes and basil and everyone has a great time, but if you really want to blow your own mind heat this up and watch it elasticize like an old plastic ruler being torched by a Bic lighter. That’s when it really comes into its own. Stringy, fun, and hilarious to eat. Not my words, those are the words of someone from The Sopranos. Although they kept referring to it as “moose-err-ray” and sticking a fucking gun in my ass. By which I mean my face.

You’ve got to be really careful with blue cheese because some of it is fucking revolting and tastes like the kind of mould you find on old plugholes in student houses – my general rule is the more it looks like an old lady’s leg the less inclined I am to eat it. Stilton is probably the best example of old woman’s leg that tastes of plughole. Anyway there are exceptions and Gorgonzola is one – it first appeared in the bible in AD 879, and ever since then people have been perpetually surprised by how much they enjoy it. Including me.

Cheese is all so very subjective, so some of you will have just read the word Camembert and then slightly raised an eyebrow and gone “um, what about brie?” and the truth is I just can’t hack brie. It might be the rind part of it or the weird texture that’s a bit like old glue. I don’t know what it is. But what I do know is that if you pull a Camembert out of your rucksack stick a few garlics in it and pop that bastard in the oven for ten or fifteen minutes you will find a friend for life.

Port Salut
The perfect starter cheese for a baby or a young child, this satisfies on numerous levels. Firstly you’ve got the bright orange crust which is extremely fun to look at, and then inside that you’ve got a soft mild cheese that won’t smash you around the chops too much. The word on the street is that it first came crafted by Trappist Monks who needed something to do when they weren’t Hail Mary or Our Fathering, or when they weren’t walking casually around a convent saying “wassap biatches” to passing nuns.

Not to be confused with the beer Carlsberg which is spelled differently using a C instead of a J, this is a lovely cheese. Quite nutty. You’re probably wondering why it’s here, you’re probably taking urgent drags on a cigarette fretting because you haven’t seen Emmental on the list and yet here’s this dude bold as brass and similar in style, you’re freaking out YOU’RE FREAKING OUT. But stop. Take a breath, finish your smoke and relax. This guy’s here for the simple fact that he’s better than Emmental. He’s also Norwegian which is a useful fact to know. He also isn’t a he, he’s an it. That’s because cheese is a thing not a person.

Not only would this Spanish cheese make a great name for your first born, but it also goes brilliantly with tapas, which to the uninitiated is a confusing meal made up of tiny little plates of sausages or prawns smeared in garlic or potatoes covered in tinned tomatoes. You eat and you eat, the stuff keeps coming, no one knows when to stop. Then people are offering you sherry and someone just started dancing. It’s a headfuck of gargantuan proportions relieved only by this sweet gem. Try some.

American Cheese
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! AMERICAN CHEESE! Little impression of you there. You’re at the end of your tether, you’re wondering where the haloumi is – that stuff’s HILARIOUS because it squeaks! – or you’ve been waiting for feta or goat’s cheese, but it’s just not going to happen. But then THIS? This is the final insult! It’s not even cheese.

(it is and I like it)

Parmigiano Reggiano
When people say “hard cheese” to mean “bad luck” I’m pretty sure they’re talking about this stuff, but I base that solely on it being an actual hard cheese rather than it being cursed. Gah I have no idea where I’m going with this! I’m tired, I’m just writing for the sake of it now, I’m cheesed off, cheesed out, there’s nothing more I can say except that if I had to live on a desert island with only 100 items in my fridge this would be one of them. It’s that good. Particularly grated or shaved. Just like I like my women. Actually forget that last sentence I don’t want to end this on a smutty note.

Now what did I miss?

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