The X Factor FINAL (not as it happens)
“That was totally blurrrrrMAZING!”
Last time there was a big X Factor final I’m pretty sure I did a blow-by-blow account. It was laborious for me, and ultimately pretty boring for anyone who attempted to read the thing. I’d burnt out, there was nothing left in the tank. It was rough all round. Thankfully, hindsight is a wonderful thing. So wonderful that I’m actually using it right now, and instead of making my telegraphed jokes through an everlasting Saturday evening, I’m going to skip that bullshit and make some mundane jokes dressed up as astute predictions on a Wednesday instead.
Jahmene will make everyone weep
Jahmene’s an anxious little fella with a devastating back story, which means that when he sings well and receives compliments, people are programmed to start crying. Every time I see his cute face and nervous shuffle, my tear ducts start pumping away like nobody’s business. God forbid he gets a standing ovation at any point, because I’ll be a fucking MESS. On the downside, he won’t win.
Off-camera Gary Barlow will attempt to spark up a conversation about rugby league with Nicole Schwarzenegger
Now that Gary Barlow’s got nothing to mumble furiously about without Rylan there to get right under his skin, he’ll probably have to start making small talk with Nicole during the ad breaks. What can she expect? Probably a wild conversational ride through the intricacies of rugby league, or a hilarious anecdote about the time he and Robbie hid Howard Donald’s socks in a DIFFERENT CUPBOARD. Something like that.
James Arthur will start calm and end like a man in the grips of a mental breakdown
He’s got a biro lid through his ear, he’s got a world of doodles all over his arms and chest. James Arthur is basically the human embodiment of a notepad left next to a communal phone. If his teeth wanted to form a band, they could call themselves Nine Directions. But all jokes aside, expect him to start soft and end manic. In a brilliant kind of way. Like Jahmene he probably won’t win, which is a good thing, because he’d only get carried away and start punching people in the face and shouting “GET IN!” over and over again.
Dermot O’Really will do a pirouette
He’ll also inform you that “your Saturday night starts right here!” which is technically wrong, because it began when the sun decided to set at around 4pm. By the time The X Factor starts most people will be in their jim-jams.
Christopher Maloney will start crying all over the place
Ever since Christopher was hypnotised by Derren Brown or Paul McKenna to freak out at the word “nan”, he’s been routinely collapsing in a quivering pile of tears and high pitched squealing, and the only way to break the spell is for him to sing Barry Manilow songs. Luckily for everyone involved, he’s got the voice of an angel. And by angel, I obviously mean the opposite of an angel. His voice is technically good, but actually quite horrible on the ear. Like something you might hear on a boat.
Tulisa and Louis will laugh it up a storm
Now that they’ve got no vested interest in anything that’s going on, these two bezzie mates can dick around to their hearts’ content. This will mainly involve shouting insults at Gary Barlow and then running off to build a den (or smoke some hash with Dappy). I literally have no idea why I just used brackets.
Some SPECIAL GUESTS will turn up mid-song
Every year, just when you think a song is heading one way the contestant hurls in a curve ball by going “and now ladies and gentlemen, it’s my pleasure to welcome BEYONCE!” and on comes Beyonce to remind the world what a real pop star sounds like. Only this year it probably won’t be Beyonce. The latest predictions are that Jahmene will share a very awkward and unusual duet with Leonard Cohen, James Arthur will have a shouting competition with Christian Bale, and Cowell will attempt to steer voters in a different direction by teaming Christopher up with a naked Gary Glitter.
Nicole Schwarzenegger will make up some words
Because that’s her thing isn’t it? Making up words. Absolutely all of which end in “…mazing”.
Christopher will win
There’s just no avoiding it now. The word on the street is that he’s been topping the leader board week after week. Expect to witness scenes from Carrie when he triumphs.