Showbusiness: OMG! Beyonce just flashed a private part!

Something, something, something, something, put a ring on it etc…

For those who write daily reports on celebrity gossip, today will probably go down in history. Years from now, it will be declared a public holiday, and people from all around will flock to parks, beaches, town centres, historical buildings, all merrily brandishing a single nipple coloured in using lipstick/crayons to mark the very day when Beyonce endured the triple cringe of a microscopic wardrobe malfunction. Yes, the big news is that someone somewhere was absent-mindedly flicking through the early morning paparazzi offerings, when they noticed a slight blemish on the usually well covered Beyonce Knowles bosom. They called their colleagues over, the editor probably got involved – was it? Could it be? Who knew she had one? And lo, it turns out that it most probably is a 30 to 50 per cent fraction of a celebrity private part. Then everyone cheered, jokingly flashed one another, ordered another round of milky coffees, and then put the whole thing to press. Sod the election, this is news. It’s a famous nipple.

Elsewhere in the world, Elen Rives (below) proved to be the most Spanish person of all time on the Marco Pierre White cookery programme, and if you happened to catch the preposterous E4 fashion show with Alexa Chung yesterday, you will be well aware of two stone cold facts: 1. The military look is in at the moment. And 2. This makes Afghanistan the fashion capital of the world. Who knew!

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