X Factor: The twins have gone!

No more of these berks…


We must admit, we were a little worried when it was pointed out that Wham! night didn’t just cover the band’s songs, but also George Michael’s solo work. Was Danyl going to spend an awkward three minutes silently touching himself in a makeshift urinal? Were we going to see Joe emerging from some pretend bushes zipping up his trousers? Was Stacey going to be able to pull off sleeping in a Range Rover? As it turns out, we needn’t have bothered worrying, as they stuck to his musical career, and the night went a little something like this…

Lloyd kicked things off, sporting a new haircut. New haircuts always go down well. He sang Faith, which the judges seemed to like, even though he performed it in the style of an asthmatic who might be about to keel over. To be honest, throughout Lloyd’s performance, we were more taken with Louis’ Nation of Islam outfit. “Louis X?” we jotted on a small piece of paper.

Stacey was up next, singing the emotional one about how George Michael can’t physically force you to love him. She did a good job, although she is coming to resemble a poor man’s Leona Lewis when she sings. You find yourself waiting for her to go up an octave or two, but it never happens. Instead, she stops singing, then her face starts contorting, as a barrage of words spill clumsily out of her mouth, all over the studio floor. All of the judges like her, especially Joan Collins, who appears to have replaced Dannii.

Third up, John and Edward took to the stage, sadly – as it turned out – for the second to last time. They performed a Wham! medley, consisting of exactly two songs, and frankly, they should have just stuck to the Wham Rap. Disturbingly, in their post-performance interview, something one of them said suggested that they think that Louis actually WRITES their songs each week. They went out in the sing-off having pulled off the impressive feat of making a Boyzone number sound worse than the original.

Before Danyl took to the stage, we were treated to a glance through a crystal ball into his life back home, in a dreamy Kent village, where all of his friends appear to wear both t-shirts and scarves. This suggests a very curious micro-climate, which surely requires further investigation. Either way, Simon gave him props for “respecting the song” when he sang Careless Whisper, which presumably means that Simon loved the way he self-indulgently slowed things down, then oscillated at random between whispering softly, then opening his gargantuan mouth and shouting a few words. Our opinion – rubbish.

Olly followed Danyl, boasting about how modern he was going to be this week, before pulling a thirteen year old song out of the bag – Fastlove. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to hear much of the singing, mainly because we were too concerned that Olly looked on the brink of immediate sex with whichever backing dancer was closest at hand. The voting public obviously wasn’t turned on either, as he ended up in the bottom two.

Then finally, Joe came on. From the beginning of the show, we’d been repeatedly insisting that he’d sing the one about the sun not going down on him, and guess what? We were right. He nailed it, and all of the judges sprung to their feet to clap like maniacs. Well done Joe. A great performance. Our only concern about the little Geordie is that his family home appears to be made of wood. Is it a shed?

Twins to win! Oh, no… hang on…

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