Interestment’s Top Four: Home-based exercises
Do all this, but without leaving the house
It’s always a joyous occasion when a new writer joins the Interestment family, so we went berserk with glee when a fantastic young writer called Steve inquired about doing odds and ends for the site. He’s a funny guy with an impressive knowledge of fitness, music and sports, and today he thought he’d run us through a few handy exercises that you can simply do at home. Welcome on board Steve! He had this to say…
It’s summer, it’s Britain and as always any sporadic flashes of warm sunshine are greeted by an overwhelming primal urge to set fire to a bin, ravage platefuls of undercooked processed meat and drink enough beer to keep you comfortably warm well into the “I wish I’d brought a cardigan” chilly evening. Shockingly all of this summer gorging means many of us are already getting a bit squidgy round the edges….and it’s not even anywhere near Christmas yet.
However, help is at hand, it is possible to tone up from the comfort of your own living room. So here are my Top 4 tips for toning up those wobbly bits without the unnecessary evil of leaving the house.
1. Press ups
The daddy of all exercises, this army favourite (a close second to communal masturbation) helps tone your chest and arms while making you strong as an Ox. Lifting your own body weight makes you strong (especially if you’re a bit meaty) but unlike bench pressing, it won’t give you comedy ‘Fiddy Cent-style big tits.
How to do it: Lie on your front, lift onto your tip toes and put your palms face down on the floor, shoulder width apart with your fingers pointing forwards. Push your arms until straight and then lower yourself back down until your chest just touches the floor. That’s one, now repeat without stopping. Moving your hands closer together works your chest and triceps more, further apart works your biceps. Who needs a multigym?
Note: Attempting hand claps between press ups is completely unacceptable behaviour, even if no one else is around. Plus, if it goes wrong it is likely to result in a well deserved smashed jaw. Avoid.
2. Tricep dips
Thanks to Ron Burgundy everyone now wants guns that are “gonna get you”. But the often ignored tricep (or back of your arm) can look just as lovely in a wonderfully tight fitting summer t-shirt. For the ladies, this is a sure fire way to stave off the dreaded Bingo Wings. Whatever they are (pictured).
How to do it: Sit on the edge of a bed, sofa or sturdy chair with your feet flat on the floor away from you. Grip the edge of your seat of choice and while keeping your feet still, dip your bottom towards the floor by bending your arms and in turn. Straighten your arms until your bottom returns to seat level. Repeat (without sitting back down) until the back of your arms feel like they are on fire.
Note: Steer well clear of folding chairs for this exercise, the results of which are a “You’ve Been Framed” clip waiting to happen.
3. The Plank
Sit ups and stomach crunches are all very good for giving you a washboard stomach if you have zero body fat like Mel B (picture). Sadly most of us mere mortals carry a bit of weight around the stomach, normally caused by hearty amounts of beer and lasagne. Doing crunches when you’re carrying a bit of insulation can actually make your stomach look bigger. But this little exercise focuses on toning the stomach muscles, hopefully making you look nice and trim.
How to do it: Lie flat on your front tucking your arms underneath your body so your elbows and forearms are flat on the floor, hands facing forward. Lift up onto your tip toes and push your body up, keeping your forearms flat on the floor. Hold in your stomach and then hold your position…..for as long as possible. You should start to feel the burn in your stomach fairly quickly and just like the unpleasant pain of inhaling your first ever cigarette, this just means it’s working.
Note: saying the word plank to yourself mid exercise may cause laughter and an undignified guffaw as you hit the deck. It’s just a funny word. I don’t know why.
The motion for this should come naturally because at one time or another, everyone has gone bush and taken a poo in the woods. Don’t try and deny it, it happened. Little did you know your undignified attempts to not go on yourself were actually helping tone your thighs, hips and ass. Isn’t nature amazing? Read on to get a mighty fine ass…..
How to do it: Stand upright, feet shoulder-width apart. Put your arms out straight in front of you for balance and then bend your legs, dropping your bottom down as low as it will go until you are squatting. Stand back up again to return to the starting position. Repeat this as many times as comfortable.
Note: Don’t get carried away. I don’t think I need to elaborate.
So there you have it folks, do 3 sets of these exercises 2 or 3 times a week and visibly see the difference. Then if anyone asks how this all happened, just tell them Interestment made you this way.