This time, it’s a certain Franco-Englander…
Bold as brass she stood there, wearing the fashionable Longoria stripes – as opposed to the Roberts spots – sunning herself in a bikini, even though she’s 41! As everyone knows, most 41-year-olds have put their beach days behind them, and instead hide away in darkened rooms, hoping for the cold hand of death to finally muffle their screams and take them away. It’s all over when you’re 41. You’re kids have finished university, you can’t remember your pubes ever being anything but grey, and your beautiful stomach tatt of a cheerful dolphin now looks like a dying catfish. And yet, Davina McCall, the woman who mixes talking with shouting at a professional level, has shocked most of the British speaking planet by going on holiday, slipping into something a 30-year-old might wear, and not looking completely revolting. One showbiz reporter in particular took one look at the pictures, then leant back in his chair, clapping his hands, as a lonely teardrop zipped down his cheek and went smashing onto the N of his keyboard. Bravo Davina McCall. Bravo.
In other news Jennifer Lopez (pictured) has been spotted enjoying quality time with her children, while in another corner of the acting world, Mischa Barton – star of the excellent OC – appears to have gone loco, and can now be contacted through doctors and nurses in a psychiatric ward. One journalist in particular seems very keen to point out that a similar kind of thing happened to Britney Spears not so long ago. And now she’s totally fine, sooooo….
Come on guys, anarchy yeah…
The thing about revolution is that it’s really hard work, it takes lots of planning, and lives will be lost. Witnessed at its height, revolution can be beautiful, almost like violent human ballet. Unfortunately, the recent Big Brother revolution lacked any semblance of unity, and if you’re going to make a stand against Big Brother, it should take a little bit more than Big Brother saying “housemates, stop making a stand” to dismantle the whole operation. Still, props should go to Siavash for almost making it onto the house roof before remembering that he was terrified of heights – that’s dedication.
Elsewhere in the house, Rodrigo is slowly deflating, and will surely end the series self harming and muttering about respect. He was so bubbly when it all started, but our hunch is that he’s so in love with Charlie that it’s ripping him apart. A bit like in Brokeback Mountain, but less cowboyish. Karly – almost certain to go tonight – has been disco dancing in one of those up-the-bum leotards, as Marcus peered on from underneath a blanket. Creepy stuff.
Madonna finally shows signs of ageing
Old Father Time is a cruel, white bearded man, possibly wearing a hat. We pretty much live by his rules, which dictate that we achieve our perfect body proportion for around two years in our late teens, and from then on in it’s a fierce battle to fool the world into thinking that you’re beautiful. Some of us dress cleverly, hiding our revolting blubbery guts behind flowing silk blouses, others head to the gym for a few hours every single day to burn off lunch, then turn breakfast into bulbous, vein-ridden muscles. It’s a game none of us can win. And yet, every day showbiz desks peppered all about the capital can be overheard squealing with delight at the sight of another victory for Old Father Time and his bludgeoning walking stick.
Only today, the withered elderly gent finally scored an important victory is his battle against Madonna, as she turned celebrity reporter’s stomachs with a set of bingo wings usually reserved for women in flowery dresses who spend the weekend scrubbing steps and swapping racist jokes with their neighbours. It’s a crushing defeat for the 50-year-old singer/dancer/adopter of many children, who will no doubt come out fighting with another book of nudes. Or a music video showcasing some pretty intense yoga sessions.
It’s not all bad news though, as some other withering flowers have come to a late blossom, as Jerry Hall – formerly of Mick Jagger wife fame (pictured) – took to a beach looking less like a 53-year-old former model, and more like a 46-year-old vegetarian. And 44-year-old Sandra Bullock has removed all of her clothes in a film without making anyone reel back with shock and start dry puking in the aisles. One showbiz reporter in particular assumes that such a story warrants a massive billing. Take THAT Old Father Time!
Beverly Hills 90210
For those struggling to remember who Brian is, cast your mind back to the glorious 1990s, sitting in front of your television with your wedge haircut and your red denim jeans. That’s right, he’s the guy from Beverly Hills 90210. He played the dorky kid who grew up to be even cooler than Brandon and Brenda put together. But not quite as cool as Dylan. In real life he was once engaged to the Transformers actress Megan Fox, and during his heyday he enjoyed a deeply sexual relationship with this woman. He’s 36 today, hence we thought we’d buy him a gift, so we sat in a circle throwing an ideas tennis ball to one another with the catcher shouting out suggestions, until it boiled down to a toss up between a bottle of whiskey and a switchblade, or a funny clip that we once used on the site many many moons ago. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday B.A.G!
Somebody’s days are numbered…
It’s been a sobering week for the animals in the Big Brother zoo, as Kris – the preening chimp – was thrown to the wolves, leaving his pack of strange and exotic creatures to lick their wounds, and circle the other pride with suspicion in their eyes and the taste of fresh blood on their fangs. Lisa, part-vulture part-parrot, has reacted very badly, as she attempts to reign in her small flock – including Charlie the talking otter, Sophie the flamingo with tits, and Karly the disgruntled labrador. They have all been wandering the grounds together in very close proximity, always with one eye out for Noirin the angry rabbit, Marcus the horny mule, and Freddie the son of a wealthy owl. Neither of these groups get along, and were it not for Rodrigo the gay terrapin keeping the peace and telling all of the creatures that they should just relax and play games together, they might already have torn one another to shreds with their rabid animal mouths.
Siavash is, of course, the lion. Still our favourite.
In other house news, Marcus has adopted the age-old corrosion technique to make a beautiful woman fall for him, as he tries to pester his way into Noirin‘s tiny underpants. While Karly should be enduring the awkward Davina interview this Friday, having done little more than swear like a trooper, and constantly look like she’s just popped a cola bottle into her mouth, only to find that it was a bizarrely shaped dollop of Lisa droppings.
One of these is a bisexual gentleman…
If you’ve managed even a few moments of this year’s excellent edition of Big Brother, you might have noticed that The Bisexual Club is growing faster than the ever-expanding oozing death machine in The Blob. Kids on Facebook have twigged that double-gender sex can at least double the friends list, while all the latest pop stars and actresses like to remind the world as often as possible that their sexual desires are so complex and far out that you may as well just call them bisexual and be done with it. It’s wild, and showbusiness offices all over the capital have come to resemble Turkish steam rooms, after hard day after hard day of breaking bisexuality news. The latest of which concerns Duncan from Blue, a pouting ice dancer who thought that he needed to come out and tell the world that he sometimes does it with men. It was a move akin to OJ Simpson saying that he might have once killed a woman. Duncan went on to explain that he still likes breasts, so girls are in with a crack too. One celebrity journalist in particular appeared to think that this was big news.
In other magnificent showbusiness news, Demi Moore (below with Cameron Diaz) has left swathes of highly paid reporters agog by wearing a bikini on holiday and not looking totally disgusting, even though she’s like 60 or something. And Cheryl Cole has completely humiliated herself by accidentally getting a smudge of lipstick on her teeth. Triple cringe!
Somehow this woman is still attractive…
Of course, the last couple of weeks have been rocked by Michael Jackson suddenly clutching his chest and bidding a final whimper, which was such a surprise that certain circles seem to be questioning whether the whole thing is real or not. Pretty soon, all funerals will surely feature an open coffin and sticks lined up so that the mourning families can poke the corpse first, just to make double sure. It’s been a strange time. But one that hasn’t affected Elle McPherson, by the looks of things, as she shocked one showbusiness reporter in particular by turning up at a sexy car launch looking like she hadn’t a care in the world, as she sashayed around in a saucy gold number. She’s gorgeous, notes the journalist, and yet she’s 46 years old – doesn’t that make her an old woman? Apparently, in this day and age, not.
Elsewhere in the shiny world of beautiful celebrities, the footballer Jermain Defoe has been warming his midnight onions on the soft thighs of Imogen Thomas (below with Aisleyne) – you know, the Welsh girl off Big Brother. The pair strode down the road clutching hands like young lovers do, which has left one celebrity journalist in particular convinced that this might be the real deal.
Look at Robert!
Some days everything just clicks. You’ve got your best jacket on, you’ve got the two-tone effect in your hair that you’ve been saving up for, and your moustache has reached peak level brilliance. Time to go out and get seriously laid.
(Thanks to our pals at Sexy People)
Hey, hard luck Rodders!
Ahh gutted, no more Wimbledon, which means no more chances to poke fun at the Inverdale/McEnroe/Henman bong smoking reggae circle. Ho hum. Still, it’s great to hear from our tennis correspondent Rory, who had this to say…
The moment you saw Pete Sampras in the Royal Box yesterday, having just flown in to see his buddy Roger Federer overtake his record of 14 grand slam titles, you couldn’t help but wonder whether the Andy Roddick might just poop the party. But no. Nothing was going to stand in the way of Federer and history.
Sweat pouring off the brim of his cap, furiously adjusting his shirt sleeves in between sending down ace after booming ace, A-Rod did everything in his power to halt Federer’s march towards the indisputable title of Greatest Of All Time. Took them a while to get there though, didn’t it? It’s as if they played a fifth set, called it a draw at 6-6, then played a sixth which Fed went on to win 10-8. Any longer and it was in danger of getting boring.
And so we were left with the classic sporting conundrum – one the one hand you felt pure joy for Fed at reaching the milestone but on the other… well, only the stoniest of hearts wouldn’t have been shot through with sympathy for the sweaty American. He may never get another a chance like this and the look on his face afterwards told you he knew it.
So that’s it folks – Wimbledon is over for another year. Interestment now has literally NO idea how to fill the next 351 days until it all starts again. For now, we’ll just have to pass the time by giving out a few random awards to recognise this year’s outstanding performers.
The Sartorial Dedication Award
Boris Becker. Fed gave him a good run for his money with le-jacket-waistcoat-combo, but there could be only one winner. No heatwave was too intense to get B-Beck out of his swish gentleman’s jacket.
The Fonz Award
John McEnroe – a very cool man indeed. A passing resemblance to The Simpsons’ Mr Burns, but Interestment definitely wants to be more like him.
The Rocky IV Award
Gisela Dulko for her win over Maria Sharapova – petite Argentinian beauty overcomes towering Russian grunt machine. Just a little bit like Rocky IV.
The Slightly Annoying Award
The BBC, for overusing that slow-motion close-up thing. Oh look, there’s a ball about to be picked up by a ball boy… yep, he’s just picked it up. That was great. And what’s this? Oh, it’s the twentieth close-up in an hour of Andy Murray’s box-like mouth contorted in another shout of “come on!”. I hope we get to see that again really soon. Ahhh…
The Tourette’s Award
Andy Murray. Do you really need to shout “come on!” every time you win a point? No, you don’t.
The Unintentional Comedy Award
Only one winner here – Philipp Kohlschreiber. In case you missed it first time round, check out his website (and make sure the sound’s up).
Triad, David Crosby
And so Thursday rolls around for another week, looking all sexy and oiled up. That’s your Thursday. It’s a deeply sensual day, so unzip your trousers, turn the desk fan around, and allow the cool breeze to blow directly into your eyes. Today, ex-Byrds man David Crosby sing of his deep love for a beautiful woman… and her friend.
Girl wears bikini in pool
When the plump-lipped mouth of fame kisses you, everything changes. It seems like only a few long years ago that Louis Walsh was the squealing thorn between Pete Waterman and Geri Halliwell’s roses on Popstars: The Rivals, a show which set out to find the next Beatles. And sure enough, that’s exactly what happened when Cheryl Cole, Nadine Coyle, George Harrison, Sarah Harding and Davey Jones walked through those studio doors and sang their little hearts out. They were all plump bearded women, hence, once the band was formed, they were immediately ordered to lose five stone each, wax their faces, and start working on their bikini bodies. Fast forward almost twenty years, and showbusiness desks all around London are steaming up as pictures of the girls land on their desks with unnerving regularity. Just yesterday, both Nadine and Cheryl were the focus of hysterical chit-chat in numerous VIP sections and shared toilet cubicles. Nadine, bless her, has been spotted sunning herself alongside giraffe-alike posho Lady Victoria Hervey. She’s wearing a bikini, which one showbiz reporter in particular seems to think is a wise summer choice.
Elsewhere in the world, Cheryl Cole left onlookers agog by wearing a dress so short that you could make out almost every last centimetre of her oily stick-thin legs. “They look great,” insists one journalist in particular, obviously confusing the words like pipe cleaners for the word great. And in non-Girls Aloud news, Jordan accidentally exited a taxi without showing the world her genitals.
Big Brother, please stop cock-blocking this man!
Poor Marcus. Big hairy Marcus. Marcus with the most astonishing mullet ever broadcast. Marcus with a series of very bad tattoos. Marcus who stands alone sometimes, with shower water cascading down his soft body, scrubbing himself feverishly with whatever kitchen product happened to be nearest the sink. Marcus who makes strange, almost pointless, presents from bits of scrap metal. That Marcus. The Marcus who could have any woman he wanted were he not cock-punched by authority every time they were about to fall for him. It probably happens all the time to gorgeous, yet cursed, people like Marcus. Oh how Lady Luck gives with one hand and karate chops your balls with the other!
Just yesterday, Noirin was about to fall in love with him, then Big Brother called him to the diary room. In those few moments, she managed to pull herself together. “Don’t fall for him Noirin,” she told herself, “he’ll only break your heart, just don’t fall for him.” It says a lot about the mental strength of the Irish stunner that she can resist. Has she been hurt before? Have you Noirin?
Elsewhere in the house, Sigourney Weaver from Alien 3 has been drafted in to replace Lisa, Rodrigo came very close to drowning in the bath, and Kris made everyone feel awkward by describing how he likes to pick up girls by performing a series of hilarious exercise routines. When no one laughed, he decided that he might dump Sophie.
On a very worrying note, Freddie thought it wise to explain that he sometimes goes to nightclubs to paint people’s faces in exchange for beer. He once painted fifteen Chinese people in about seven minutes, he laughed. A hunch suggests that fifteen very unhappy Chinese people left a club early that night.
The Interestment favourite is still Siavash.
The new Posh and Becks?
If you spend enough time with people, you’ll notice that they begin to develop some very curious behavioural patterns. That’s because human beings do funny things when they know they’re being watched. Just flick through a random bundle of photographs, and you’ll notice that you pull weird faces whenever someone points a camera at you. If that camera keeps going, like the ones in the Big Brother house do, your bizarre actions will increase multifold.
Now week three or four, Angel has really come into her own as a Gollum-type character, dressed as a London bicycle courier. She wanders the house, either casually telling perfectly thin people that they are grotesquely fat, or when she’s not doing that, she appears to be flirting with Freddie. Freddie, incidentally, who believes that in the real world, the pair would have definitely mated by now. Should they ever procreate, there’s a good chance that the offspring would be actual rats. Posh Russian rats. But rats nonetheless. It would be a bit like Rosemary’s Baby.
Elsewhere in the house, Sree has transformed himself into Russ Abbott’s Scotsman, while Marcus has forgotten the cameras completely during shower time, where he can be found sanitising himself using kitchen equipment. Yesterday he used a scouring pad to scrub muck from his upper body, pretty soon, it’ll be Cillit Bang for genitals, Fairy for underarms. The trauma of having to cut a rabbit’s penis off during the Henry VIII task could be responsible for these acts of bathroom self-harm.
All the while, Kris and Charlie have been singing a medley of chart hits, Karly has been wandering from mirror to mirror wearing just underpants and a bra, and Lisa has been telling all who will listen that the key to success in this world is to never change, and just be yourself. Ironically, by following her own advice, she has no chance of winning the show.
Tonight it’s Freddie versus Angel. Angel looks to be toast.
The Interestment favourite continues to be Siavash.
Is that a ball in your pocket…
It’s always with a massive rush of euphoria that we hear from a member of the growing Interestment family, so when Rory got in touch this morning, we damn near fainted with joy. Here’s his tennis update…
Day three and Wimbledon found a new sweetheart. Against the shrieking Sharapova, a little-known Argentine woman called Gisela Dulko pulled off the most unlikely victory. Classic Wimbledon it was, too – everyone cheered Sharapova onto the court, welcoming her back from a long injury lay-off. Then as the match went on, everyone got bored of the pinched face along with the incessant grunting and squealing and got behind the not-British-for-once underdog. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that she happens to be pretty nice looking, so in the post-match press conference she got probed with all sorts of insightful tennis-based questions like “Have you got a boyfriend?” Felicitaciones Senorita Dulko. Bienvenidos a la big time. Just so you get the idea what all the fuss is about, that’s her up there (pictured).
Less popular was Victoria Azarenka who felt the full force of the anti-grunt backlash. The normally mild-mannered SW19 crowd put down their strawbs and cream, removed the knotted jumpers from around their shoulders in protest and started imitating her grunts in between points. That’ll teach her.
Elsewhere, Roger Federer was back in the waistcoat, which he removed for just long enough to crush his second round opponent, Guillermo Garcia-Lopez. Strolling from one side of the court to the other, throwing down bombs at will, the Fed looked so relaxed you half expected him break out a cigar at any moment.
Someone else in super-chillax mode was Andy Murray. So chillaxed in fact that he even took time out to do a spot of Twittering. “Got a putting competition going with Daniel Nestor. They’ve put a putting game in the lockers. Could get interesting. Just done the ice bath.” Now that’s cool – Top Gun’s Ice Man (pictured) would be proud. Let’s see how it all helps in his game today.
Also in action will be the only Brit left in the women’s draw, Elena Baltacha, who goes up against Alona Bondarenko. “It’s another tough match but I’m looking forward to it. If I play good tennis and just keep believing, then I’ve got a very good chance of getting through to the third round,” she said, beautifully setting up an inevitable defeat.
Not including this classic…
As always, it’s with a great big handshake, back pat, and toothy smile that we hear from Interestment favourite, Oliver – our fashion expert. Today he thought he’d cast a very intense eye over the world of famous women and their hair. He had this to say…
Hair is great stuff. It keeps your head warm, members of the opposite sex can run their fingers through it, and it’s great for flossing your teeth if you’ve stumbled onto astonishingly hard times. It’s also the head’s natural equivalent of a hat. With that in mind, we thought it time to doff a furry cap to our favourite womanly haircuts from years gone by…
1. The Bob
A tricky one to pull off this, but the Bob – named after the way is gently bobs around a lady’s jawline – is a stone cold classic. Posh Spice and the one that’s married to Tom Cruise have both tried it out, both bringing it a spot of demure sensuality. But we really like it on Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction… even if she did rudely steal her date’s smack, bleed everywhere and nearly die.
2. The GI Jane
In terms of aesthetics, this one is a strong, vivid, almost furious look. Hence, usually a hair don’t reserved only for the brave or mental. Britney Spears did it herself, and freaked everyone out, Miss Sigourney Weaver looked like Mr Sigourney Weaver with hers. And, yet, the troubled Irish singer Sinead O’Connor made having not much hair to speak of look magnificent. And did you know that Sinead is actually an anagram of Skinhead?
3. Massive Look-at-me hair
Big drama-hair can set flashbulbs going like fire crackers at a teenage French boy’s virginity losing party, and the likes of Brigitte Bardot, Pammie, Jane Fonda in Barbarella and Farah Fawcett have all worn magnificent hair. Sadly they are all just dusty hair clippings on the floor of life’s salon compared to the queen of the silver screen – Marilyn Monroe. Her hair was actually made by hobgoblins using angel pubes. Or so legend would have it.
4. Pretend Hair
Wigs are basically lies for your head to deceive the world. Fine if you are bald, ill, or a man, but it’s still a bit like getting big fake boobs done, then pretending that you always had good knockers. No one will ever honestly believe you. Still, we like the things, and the finest wig ever can be found eclipsing Natalie Portman’s natural barnet in the naval gazing tale of unfathomable idiots, Closer. She wore a bubblegum pink wig whilst pole dancing, bless her.
Couple go on summer holiday…
Most of us use the summer to get away from work – to lie on a beach staring at the sun all week in the hope that a glistening hue will disguise that greying skin, that disappointed weeping soul, the demise of all of those childhood dreams. “It’s me that should be winning Britain’s Got Talent,” you mutter to yourself, smearing yet more baby oil into your blistering stomach, “I’ve got the voice of an angel.” And yet, for some celebrities, the real work starts when they take time off. Kelly Brook, for example. A girl with a inbalanced ratio of bosoms to body fat, she never really holds a job down for long enough to feel the bitter sting of dreams dying – The Big Breakfast got rid of her during holiday season, Cowell couldn’t stomach her on Britain’s Got Talent – so now her actual job is to go on holiday. Just today, showbiz desks have been smoking up keyboards with reports that she has been spotted lying around in a bikini with her hunky boyfriend, Danny Cipriani. One celebrity reporter in particular was delighted to report that she went for a quick swim, then returned to a sun lounger to relax. Keep up the good work, Brook.
Elsewhere in the world, Lily Allen has taken everyone’s breath away by going out for dinner wearing a blonde wig. A blonde wig! That’s right, a blonde wig. While Cheryl Cole – of enduring Ashley Cole fame – has shocked newspaper readers all over the country by having tanned legs. Here she is at a Billy the Kid party…
Facepaint! Alcohol! Lasagna!
The Big Brother house really brings out the bisexual in a man. Just this week, Sree has turned his attentions from Noirin – the Irish girl who lives her life by the Ten Commandments, ignoring the “thou shalt not get thy breasts out for cider” one – and now he appears to be all over Charlie, the gay Geordie played by Sean Penn. Kris also seems content bathing with Charlie, and Siavash burst into tears like a wife being handed divorce papers at Christmas when Ciaron was ushered from the show. It’s strange. But not as strange as watching Marcus – the hairy one who struggles with non-chatroom-based communication – puckering up his left nipple so that Sree could get stuck in during a game of dare-dare-or-dare.
On the fashion front, a few interesting moves are being made. Karly, who sounds like she might be Sir Alex Ferguson’s voice coach, has given up on trousers altogether, and now just slopes around the house in a pair of underpants and a top. Angel has modeled herself on one of London’s many bicycle couriers, and Sophie – the glamour girl who always sounds like you’ve walked in on her crying – has really let her hair go. It looks a bit like Russell Brand’s, only in negative.
Elsewhere in the house, Sree appears to think that Big Brother might have a quiet word with people for him, and Freddie revealed that when he has parties at home, it’s all “facepaint, alcohol, lasagna!”
This man started well…
As ever, it’s a complete joy to hear from a member of the ever-growing Interestment family. Rory – a masterful writer with a dry wit – popped in with this to say about Wimbledon…
Wimbledon is officially under way. We know this because, as has become the custom in recent years, Roger Federer strolled out onto the centre court wearing the kind of clothes you might more usually expect to see someone wearing on cruise ship in the Caribbean. Looking resplendent in shimmering white, he managed to pull off what snooker players have been attempting for years – looking cool in waistcoat.
In similarly ice-cool fashion, he didn’t even bother to break a sweat as he crushed his opponent Yen-Hsun Lu, 7-5 6-3 6-2.
Elsewhere on the courts, Queen’s runner-up James Blake packed his headband and headed for the exit having been defeated by a man called Seppi, Maria Sharapova grunted her way past Kutuzova and an assortment of British players you’ve never heard of lost (most of them in straight sets probably).
One who did lose but in somewhat more exciting fashion was embryonic tennissette Laura Robson. The reigning Wimbledon Junior Champ was beaten in her grand slam debut by Daniela Hantuchova – although couple of twists, turns and serves going the other way could have seen her win it.
You have to feel sorry for her – not because she lost but because of the inevitable tide of expectation that now threatens to engulf and overwhelm her 15-year-old world. To put it in perspective, Roger Federer won his first Wimbledon title aged 21. That’s six years on from where she is now, which is a long time (assuming she ever gets to the level where she might win) with people asking, praying, expecting you to win.
But then, the very fact that she hasn’t turned into one of these loathsome little oiks is pretty good going already.
Have you ever found yourself wondering what those curious little packets are that tennis players seem to be ingesting between games? Here’s Novak Djokovic‘s opponent Julien Benneteau tucking into what might be a Happy Shopper ketchup sachet at 5-0 down in the third set.
In fact, it’s an energy supplement (here’s where you can buy them). Unfortunately he hadn’t reckoned on Djoko, who upped the ante a touch, and totally outmuscled him in the energy supplement stakes.
Not only did the microphone-haired Czech have a seemingly-unending supply of Lucozade tablets to chomp on, he also had an energy patch on his arm. No wonder he won the match…
Murray-mania kicks off in earnest today, with the bedraggled racquet-smith up against American Robby Kendrick. Not got a ticket to see the Muzza in action? Like ballroom dancers? Why not join the queue anyway, and see if Alesha Dixon challenges you to a game. For some reason she was doing exactly that yesterday, despite the fact she has absolutely nothing to do with tennis. Odd.
Not this kind of window, the Transfer Window!
As ever, it’s with a kind smile and a warm cigar that we welcome Eliot – our number one football guy – into the kindly Interestment bosom. He had this to say about the business side of things at Fulham…
What they need
With John Pantsil eventually coming good towards the end of last season, Fulham’s under-rated backline should once more stand them in good stead this season. What may be handy particularly away from home (when they tend to see far less of the ball), is an energetic ball-winner to play alongside the genteel Danny Murphy.
Who they don’t need
Hameur Bouazza managed to appear in the Birmingham City vs Charlton Athletic fixture for both sides last season, a feat made all the more remarkable by the fact he was registered at Fulham. There has been very little else of interest about Bouazza thus far in his Fulham career. Questions about Bobby Zamora remain too.
Robert Rosario. Or any player with an ‘r’ in their name in fact.
Inevitably linked with
West Ham players. Norwegians. Swedes
Any other business
Hodgson has an encylopedic knowledge of Scandinavian football, garnered from managerial spells in Sweden, Denmark and Finland. There are already five Scandinavians at Fulham, and expect Hodgson to be rifling through his contact book to bring in a few more as the season gets closer.
Who uses these stupid things, huh?
It’s never with anything less than utter elation that we hear from a member of the throbbing, bulbous Interestment family, and today Rory thought he’d drop by to tell us a few interesting tennis facts. It’s a total pleasure. He had this to say…
We all know what Wimbledon means – strawberries, cream, rain, cream mixing with rain, Cliff Richard, Sue Barker in a sexual frenzy, John Inverdale striding around the grounds flanked by massive security guards, that funny little man Andrew Castle from GMTV being on the TV more than usual…
But there’s probably loads you don’t know about it too. Like when a Briton last won it, what colour the sanitising tablets are in the urinals of the men’s changing rooms, or what year someone last used a wooden racquet. Well, wonder no more, dear reader. The answer to at least one of those questions is to be found below, in our round-up of strange and mildly diverting Wimbledon facts. Sit back, relax, unbuckle your belts, and learn.
– In 1995, Tim Henman became the first person in the 120-year history of the tournament to be disqualified. After losing his temper, he smashed a ball away in anger… straight into the face of an innocent young ball girl. He gave her some flowers and licked her face to say sorry (above).
– It is illegal for married women to win the singles title. An exception was made for Chris Evert in 1981.
– Two-time Wimbledon finalist Andy Roddick now counts a London cabbie among his best mates. They first met when Roddick was a passenger in his taxi during the tournament six years ago, and they’ve kept in touch since. Stephen Little was even a guest at Roddick’s wedding earlier this year. To this day, Little can often be heard asking his friends “You know who I had in my cab the other day?” before going on to tell them all about how he and Stiffler out of American Pie are now top mates…
– During World War II, a bomb struck centre court, doing huge damage. Unfortunately, Cliff Richard was only a toddler at the time and he was nowhere near the scene.
– Competitors at Wimbledon must adhere to an all-white dress code. However (much like schoolkids who attempt to subvert uniform protocol by wearing their ties the wrong way round with a ridiculous oversized knot and stumpy tail), players often look for quirky ways to get around the strict ruling. In 2007, Tatiana Golovin (above) made a mockery of the rule by donning pair of red knickers under her dress.
– A man dressed as the famous Womble (of Wimbledon) Orinoco once attempted to gain entry for free on the final day, citing his status as a local dignitary as justification.*
* This one might not be true
Birds Eye Beefburgers
Kathleen Turner – yes, Kathleen Turner – turns a very lovely 55 today. And what a gal she is. She’s done it all. In the 1980s, she was probably the most sensual woman alive, making steamy films like Body Heat, followed by excellent comedies like The Man With Two Brains. Not to mention one of the finest action movies of all time, Romancing The Stone. She had everything in her acting armory, that girl. Everything. And then, in a weird twist, she spent a portion of the 90s playing Chandler’s DAD in Friends. Still, we thought we should buy her a gift, so we drank exactly nine pints of Staropramen each, then decided to discuss things in the back of a speeding cab. It boiled down to a toss up between a bucket to throw up into, or an old advert about beefburgers. In the end we got her both. Happy Birthday Kathleen Turner!
Yeah, it’s all smiles in this picture…
Nothing sticks in the craw like being relentlessly copydogged by one of your friends. You’ve got a new jumper, they’ve got a new jumper. You spent months saving up for a mean pair of sneaks, they spotted the sneaks and immediately ran to a shoe shop. Sometimes, they might even take the credit for creating the vibe themselves. Standing there at a cool party in your outfit, impressing people. It’s bloody outrageous. Which is why Cheryl Cole might have a few curt words to say to her band mate Kimberley Walsh when she gets back from her wonderful beach holiday. It turns out that her copydogging hasn’t gone unnoticed, as she’s been photographed swanning around in the very same swimming-cozzie-and-cowboy-hat combo that made Cheryl the toast of the glossy beachwear pages little more than a week ago. Whether Cheryl will return the compliment by copycatting the same red faced shame that Kimberley must be feeling, we just don’t know. Needless to say, certain showbiz reporters have been enraged, outraged, and overraged about this.
Elsewhere in the world, Jordan has been going bonkers in Ibiza, and Britney Spears was invited to Ciara’s party, but then her dad wouldn’t let her go. News from the inside suggests that he was worried that if she got carried away, she might end up braless, knickerless, hairless, legless, and most probably pregnant. And perhaps married. Hollywood insiders have been silently nodding their heads in quiet approval. Here she is hula-hooping…
Bra testing at Alton Towers
Wow, it’s one helluva week for rappers and their birthdays – yesterday Ice Cubes, today Pacsie. Better know to you as Tupac, or 2pac, or The Pac Man, or The Pacmeister, or OnePac Tupac ThreePac Four, or Our Sun Pac, or Burt Baccha-Pac, or Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Pac, or Dusty SpringPac, or Farrah Faw-Pac, or Charlie and the Chocolate Pac-tory, or Hey Diddle Diddle the Pac and the Fiddle, or What the Pac!, or Crisp Pac, or just plain old Pac. He would have been 38 today, had he not been gunned down after a beef with Biggie Smalls. Also known as Notorious BIG, or Big Man, or Smally Bigs, or The Big Stuff, or Fat Folks, or Double Whopper with Cheese, or 2001 A BIG Space Odyssey, or Mr Big Potatoes, or just plain old Big starring Tom Hanks. Anyway, Pac would have been 38 today, so after much discussion we decided to buy him either a grain of rice with all of his nicknames engraved on it, or a video of semi-naked women on a rollercoaster sent to us by a chap in PR. In the end we got him both. Happy Birthday Tupac, aka 2pac, aka The Pac Man etc…
Is this man a GENIUS?
And yet again, Big Brother goes on to prove that if you put a group of human beings together for more than a week, they will either start bickering with each other or attempting to have sex during the middle of the afternoon. It’s a wonder any of us got through double maths without an STD or a busted kneecap.
The sex storyline is hurtling along thanks to Kooks-a-like Kris and the in-house bosomy intellectual Sophie. Literally hours of their day are spent checking that no one is looking before darting their tongues together for a nanosecond of unadulterated sex action. He has vowed to Charlie – played by a young Sean Penn – that this girl is great, but she won’t be tearing him away from his beloved laddy mates any time soon. The very same laddy mates who, by the way, are finally enjoying a few nights out without their curly haired cohort ruining everyone’s fun by explaining in quite revolting detail how he likes to make love to a woman. Are they missing him? Are they?
Elsewhere in the house Karly has been channeling the spirit of Sir Alex Ferguson, and Siavash has bravely decided not to visit the Big Brother sick bay, despite an off-camera accident where he clearly slammed his chin onto a needle by accident. Good for him. Brave boy – and our current favourite.
Angel appears to be slowly dying as her skin becomes ever more pallid and loose, and she appears to be avoiding comparisons with Siavash by thoroughly shaving her face every morning – she was also victim of the worst piece of bread-for-cider business ever screened on television. All very embarrassing.
Which takes us to Marcus – a soothsayer with an astonishing mullet. He appears to be in the middle of a very long live commentary on proceedings, perhaps hoping that should everyone tire of the Geordie bloke, he’ll get the job. His assessment of events has finally got to Lisa, the lesbian punk rocker with eighty piercings in her ear, and she flipped out. Marcus then spent the entire fight explaining to Lisa – presumably with confused viewers in mind – why she was reacting like she was, and how it must be something to do with the way she grew up. The man, it seems, is a mind reader. And as we already know, Big Brother voters bloody hate psychics. He could be toast.