Celebrity in cocaine shocker!
It’s hard to accept it when someone you love is a drug addict. You can live in total denial, convinced that their gigantic pupils and open conversations with an invisible koala bear are just hilarious dinner party jokes – they’re being quirky. Or you might explain their overlong livid spider monkey impression as a strange side effect of drinking too much tea. It’s only when they appear on the front page of a national newspaper shoveling Tony Montana size dollops of cocaine into their withered nostrils that you finally accept it that, yes, they might have occasionally been dabbling with drugs. Hence, there was a resigned silence smothering big celebrity news desks this week when Kerry Katona was finally caught with her metaphorical pants down having a nose up. One showbusiness journalist in particular can’t quite believe that the mother-of-some has been piling herself with narcotics, and then denying it. How could she lie to us? Surely drug users should be more open? Some might argue that by constantly appearing on television with her bottom lip desperately gnawing her top lip, she didn’t really need to spell it out. Massive sectors of the celebrity world have been so upset by Kerry’s demise that they’ve been overheard sniffing in nightclub toilets, obviously doing their crying in private. Sometimes in groups of two or three.
In other showbiz news, Amy Winehouse has left the entire planet agog by having little blobs of white spattered about HER nose. And, in non-drug-related news, Kanye West has got a new girlfriend (below), and she’s really pretty. If a bit bald.
Someone’s feeling better…
There is no better way to show the world that the mumbling voices in your mind have been silenced than by hitting a holiday resort and slipping into a nice sexy bikini. Just look at Britney Spears. Not long ago she was a screaming maniac with a scalp as bald as a teenager’s elbow, and there was serious talk around hot showbiz desks about whether to start working on a dour obituary or not. Some remote corners of sick society were even taking bets on who would croak first, her or Winehouse. But now, you can totally remove Britney from that particular gamble, that you very much – or perhaps just replace her with Mischa Barton? – because the woman is completely fine. In fact, she’s so fine that important celebrity reporters have been astonished by her nice figure, and one even noted that she wore three completely different bikinis on three consecutive days. Time was when she’d barely change her knickers. Were she even bothering with them.
In other important celebrity updates, Elle McPherson has committed the schoolgirl error of repeatedly turning up at important events wearing outfits already seen on Posh Spice – cringe! And Jennifer Ellison – the blonde one from Brookside who used to go out with Steven Gerrard (below, washing her hair in a swimming pool) – has stunned everyone into a state of silent shock by becoming pregnant after having unprotected sexual intercourse with her boyfriend about four months ago.
Man still likes women…
Society is a very strange place, awash with weirdos with a very skew-if way of looking at things. The oddest groups are the ones who take some kind of virtue from being mean to people’s faces, because at least they’re not saying it behind their backs. Now, call us a bunch of sissies, but we’d rather be hated in private, thanks. That way we can bounce around on the day-to-day, naively convinced that everyone thinks we’re brilliant. We say all this with reference to Jade Goody, who was very much a say-it-to-your-face kind of gal, and who recently died from the dreaded cancer. She was certainly a big part of this strange skew-if society, as is her widowed husband Jack Tweed, who has been infuriating showbiz desks all around the country by repeatedly getting caught out and about having the time of his life with glamour girls. A hunch suggests that he might have misheard some good advice about “getting back on the whores”, but one journalist in particular seems pleased that Jack at least had the decency to cry after banging that glamour model when he was drunk.
In other important celebrity news The Cheeky Girls are still making music, and Annalynn McCord (pictured), the star of 90210, has demonstrated that sometimes life really can imitate art by enjoying a Malibu beach party for her birthday. Needless to say, showbiz desks have been left totally agog by this.
Somehow this woman is still attractive…
Of course, the last couple of weeks have been rocked by Michael Jackson suddenly clutching his chest and bidding a final whimper, which was such a surprise that certain circles seem to be questioning whether the whole thing is real or not. Pretty soon, all funerals will surely feature an open coffin and sticks lined up so that the mourning families can poke the corpse first, just to make double sure. It’s been a strange time. But one that hasn’t affected Elle McPherson, by the looks of things, as she shocked one showbusiness reporter in particular by turning up at a sexy car launch looking like she hadn’t a care in the world, as she sashayed around in a saucy gold number. She’s gorgeous, notes the journalist, and yet she’s 46 years old – doesn’t that make her an old woman? Apparently, in this day and age, not.
Elsewhere in the shiny world of beautiful celebrities, the footballer Jermain Defoe has been warming his midnight onions on the soft thighs of Imogen Thomas (below with Aisleyne) – you know, the Welsh girl off Big Brother. The pair strode down the road clutching hands like young lovers do, which has left one celebrity journalist in particular convinced that this might be the real deal.
Couple go on summer holiday…
Most of us use the summer to get away from work – to lie on a beach staring at the sun all week in the hope that a glistening hue will disguise that greying skin, that disappointed weeping soul, the demise of all of those childhood dreams. “It’s me that should be winning Britain’s Got Talent,” you mutter to yourself, smearing yet more baby oil into your blistering stomach, “I’ve got the voice of an angel.” And yet, for some celebrities, the real work starts when they take time off. Kelly Brook, for example. A girl with a inbalanced ratio of bosoms to body fat, she never really holds a job down for long enough to feel the bitter sting of dreams dying – The Big Breakfast got rid of her during holiday season, Cowell couldn’t stomach her on Britain’s Got Talent – so now her actual job is to go on holiday. Just today, showbiz desks have been smoking up keyboards with reports that she has been spotted lying around in a bikini with her hunky boyfriend, Danny Cipriani. One celebrity reporter in particular was delighted to report that she went for a quick swim, then returned to a sun lounger to relax. Keep up the good work, Brook.
Elsewhere in the world, Lily Allen has taken everyone’s breath away by going out for dinner wearing a blonde wig. A blonde wig! That’s right, a blonde wig. While Cheryl Cole – of enduring Ashley Cole fame – has shocked newspaper readers all over the country by having tanned legs. Here she is at a Billy the Kid party…
This woman’s been showing off…
Because most of us aren’t celebrities, our winters are spent face down in mashed potatoes, doing anything we can to stave off the cold. Famous people, however, zip off to sunny places to begin working on their bikini bodies. They will then spend the following summer showing off their thin stomachs, their skin as tight as a snare drum, and their perky, attentive bosoms. The rest of us either lie on our fronts, or desperately suck it all in and waddle as fast as possible into the sea. It’s not fair. And just this weekend, the one from the Pussycat Dolls who goes out with Lewis Hamilton has been showing off her bikini body on a Hawaiian beach holiday. Like many bikini bodies, it involves a taut angry abdominal area, vivid buttocks, and a tiny little swimsuit, this year in fashionable Eva Longoria stripes – as opposed to Julia Roberts spots. One showbiz reporter in particular thinks she looks really good, but wonders where Lewis Hamilton is. Have they split up? Or was he having a lie down? These are the questions, friends. These are the questions.
Elsewhere, Cheryl Cole has been showing off her bikini body, which this year makes her look very thin, a bit like one of those gaunt heroin chic models that we used to find so disturbing and emaciated back in the good old days. Should this worrying trend continue, next year, this year’s bikini knickers will hang off her like y-fronts on a skeleton. Start eating, Cole. And, over in Hollywood, Megan Fox (below) decided that her bikini body could be spectacularly shown off under a sexy red dress. Hollywood insiders have been left in a stunned silence by her confusing mixture of demure sensuality and drunken sailor tatts. It’s as though Captain Birdseye ripped open his captain’s jacket to reveal a pair of absolutely gorgeous breasts. Kind of..
Woman wears blue dress in public…
Some people argue that clothes have a use-by date. For example, once a man hits the age where his disgusting bulbous gut can be seen from half a mile away, it might be time to ditch the skin tight T-shirts emblazoned with things like The Goonies, or Welcome to the Gun Show. Their time, sadly, has passed. The same can be said of women in their 60s wearing boob tubes, and men over 28 attempting to carry off those stupid beaded necklaces that Europeans enjoy so much. They’re awful. Those are just the facts. One solid fact recently obliterated, however, is that 39-year-old women called Heather Graham can’t wear sexy blue dresses, with a split all the way up the side, and still look fantastic on a red carpet at the opening of a film called The Hangover. She bloody well can, apparently. Something noted by showbusiness desks all over London as pictures flooded in, leaving one journalist in particular completely agog. A remarkable lady. Remarkable.
Elsewhere in the world of glorious celebrity news, everyone has gone into hiding because Paris Hilton has split up with her boyfriend, and is presumably on the hunt for meaningless intercourse with someone semi-famous. And Rachel Stevens – of pop stardom and getting mugged fame – has left the house, brandishing a great big space on her wedding finger where a gorgeous engagement ring used to live. Damn those street kids, damn them. Here she is enjoying happier times…
Look at this picture, now imagine her thinner…
In one of the most monumental cultural shifts of the last 700 years, it is no longer a symbol of success to have a big sloshing gut oozing over your golden belt buckle and flowing down to your knees. On the contrary, fatness is considered to be quite disgusting. Almost as disgusting as smelliness. Hence, it’s now hip to be thin, so that you can squeeze your sparrow legs into the latest skinny jeans, and never look out of place at a late night binging-then-vomiting party. The latest skinny celebrity rocking showbusiness circles to their very core is Cheryl Cole – member of Girls Aloud, and receiver of Ashley Cole’s grunting tongue kisses almost every single damn day for the rest of her life. She’s actually, like, too thin, insists one showbiz reporter, who appears to be slightly worried that she might be unhappy in her personal life. Have these people not done the math(s) – she’s married to Ashley Cole, therefore her personal life is EXCELLENT. She’s just not that hungry.
In other news, Kylie Minogue‘s boyfriend looks a little bit bored in some pictures. And, Hollywood circles have been seriously traumatised by news that Eva Longoria is still on holiday after almost a week. One celebrity journalist in particular is absolutely astonished and a little bit furious. How dare she enjoy her riches. How bloody dare she. Here she is actually working for a living…
“Please stop taking your clothes off”
If you have ever been to London, chances are that you’ve already met the professional magazine editor, Peaches Geldof. She literally knows everyone. She’s really good friends with style icon Pixie Geldof, she’s always sharing milkshakes with supermodel Daisy Lowe, and we suspect that she gets along quite well with the legendary singer/songwriteress Lily Allen. All names you’ve probably heard from your Heat magazines, and your hours spent on MySpace looking for the next great band. All great women. All deep thinkers. And yet, it seems that a certain former punk rocker has forgotten what it’s like to be young and totally brilliant at everything, as Bob Geldof is – according to some very well placed showbusiness reporters – unhappy with his daughter’s unquenchable thirst for revolting whorish clothes. The word on the street is that he told her in February that enough was enough, but she was, like, “shut up Dad”, or something. Just this week she was spotted talking about herself outside one of London’s most selective wine bars.
In other womanly news, everyone is getting really excited about the Scottish guy on Britain’s Got Talent. And the showbiz world has been thrown into a stunned silence as pictures have surfaced of Beyonce on the beach wearing a gentleman’s shirt to cover up. One gossip reporter in particular is terrified that she might have lost confidence in her curves. And then what would happen? Women would literally kill themselves, that’s what. Here’s a picture of Beyonce before she shattered our dreams…
Couple to breed a super-race?
Breeding is a fascinating process, where the hope is that the end product (ie. baby) will have taken the good traits from each parent. Hideous mistakes have threatened to happen in the past, like the time everyone thought that Julia Roberts might have a child with a Country and Western Lyle Lovett rat face and her prickly personality. And the debate about euthenasia was once again brought up in whispering circles when it was rumoured that Ashley Cole had done it unprotected with his mirror-image around the back of Chinawhites. As it turns out, that was just a bad dream. Now, the latest couple daring to throw together some x and y chromosomes are Phil and Kate from The Apprentice. You know, Phil and Kate. He’s the one with the really deep voice who got sacked, and she’s the pretty one who might win, even though she talks from the side of her mouth like the woman in those hilarious having a stroke adverts. Talking to a showbusiness magazine, Phil said something along the lines of, “I’m a winner, I always get what I want, I’m the best, I will marry her, Sir Alan, I will definitely marry her… just make me project manager, I’ll show you that I can… LET ME SPEAK, YOU WILL GET YOUR TURN… I just want to prove that I will marry her… I’m a great salesperson, I will marry her, I love her… she’s good looking, I will marry her…” Et cetera.
In other thrilling news, the good morning everyone television presenter and horrible ballroom dancer, Kate Garraway, stunned the entire nation by leaving the house wearing a pair of leggings, even though she’s completely pregnant. We couldn’t get those pictures, so we got another one…