Loads of reasons why the world isn’t totally shit

Published: 24th Apr, 2018

Hey look, sandwiches

Turn that perma-frown upside perma-down with this uplifting lists of great observations…

The jambon beurre sandwich is back in Pret a Manger

this means you can eat like a traditional Frenchman every single day of the week

every goddam day

all the way from Lundi to Dimanche, via Mercredi

like you’re Simon Le Bon

We can all still consensually squeeze one another on the bottom or on the tits

Or, if you really want to, on the willy

Also, it’s worth remembering, just for the sake of spiritual enrichment, that whenever you talk to someone, they have genitals

Don’t fixate on them, that’s gross

But they have them. Great big, unwashed genitals. Or washed ones

Point is, they have them

There are still great movie soundtracks to listen to, like Jesus Christ Superstar

You don’t even have to believe in our lord and saviour Jesus Christ to enjoy it

Did he really walk on water? Or was he just strolling down a shoreline?

It could be that no one had ever done that before, so everyone was like WHAT. THE. FUCK.

It was 30,000 BC

Before Camera Phones

People still look at your LinkedIn profile

And when they do, they’re probably all like “sweet profile” and nodding at each other

Because that’s the other thing, it’s unlikely that it’s just one person looking

It’s more likely that there’s a huge group of them assembled in a big hall, all there to look at your LinkedIn profile and really analyse it

They might even applaud at the end

One girl’s crying. Or it could be a guy with long hair. And tits

Nice LinkedIn profile, man

By which I mean “man” in a non-gender-specific way

like when girls call each other “guys”

Nothing wrong with that

Girls can be guys, guys can be girls

Have you listened to Lola by The Kinks?

Oh you have

Have you seen Transparent?

Oh you have

Have you seen Mrs Doubtfire?

Oh you have

The sweet feeling of your eighth pint of lager touching your lips

That moment when everyone’s laughing at a joke you just told

Only did you tell a joke because it feels like you just came out of the toilet?

Why are you lying down?

Whatever, good joke

The blissful sensation of doing a massive wee wee in a field

Just you, nature, pissing all over the place

There’s a farmer shouting at you

Thank you Merlin, god of nature

Also, thank you Merlin, barman from First Dates

Television is nice

You watch much telly?

No me neither

Jokes! I watch loads

Top five TV programs of all time

Sabrina the Teenage Witch

Bewitched

Charmed

The one with Grotbags

American Horror Story

Oh sorry, should have said

I meant Top Five TV programs about witches

Asking waiters what they would recommend on the menu makes them feel special

Then ordering all of the things they didn’t recommend makes you feel powerful

Really puts them in their place too

And hopefully, just hopefully, they might think about doing something better with their lives

Look at Richard Branson

Did you know that Richard Branson, when he started out, couldn’t speak and he even wore a nappy?

Plus he puked everywhere

Now look at him, excusing himself and changing his own nappy, on a yacht

He’s your gold standard, you need to break through that glass ceiling

Which, FYI, is a metaphor

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones

But probably more importantly, people who own glass houses shouldn’t leave stones lying around

That’s the real mistake here

The people throwing the stones are just doing what nature intended them to do

Being all like “cool, a stone” and then SMASH. Uh oh

There were 4 million sperm competing for one egg and you won

You were the best sperm

And because of you, 3.999999 million sperms died that day

No funeral, no nothing, just loads of dead sperms strewn around the inside of a vagina

Don’t think about that for too long

But acknowledge that the world lost some good men 

Or women

Though there’s statistical evidence to suggest that all sperm are men, that the tails are really their willies

Also, isn’t Coca Cola magnificent?

So easy to forget that

When you crack into your fifth can of the afternoon, take a moment to really savour it

Really taste the ingredients – the lime juice, the fizzy water, the pepsi leaf

Hang on, who switched this for Pepsi!

It’s okay, relax

Breathe in and take a moment, hold onto the breath, really take in your surroundings

Then exhale really loudly, and hysterically explain to everyone that you thought you were dying

Splutter coke onto the desk

Oh fuck, you’re in a boardroom!

A bored room more like!

Because it’s boring

Next time you see someone covered in tattoos, don’t shriek and run away, talk to them

Ask them when they got out of prison, or what it was like sleeping with prostitutes when they were in the navy

In the olden days toothbrushes were just people’s fingers and you don’t even want to know what toothpaste was

They didn’t have supermarkets

If you wanted to eat you’d have to murder your neighbour’s horse or his wife and then raid their fridge and cupboards for food

People didn’t own mobile phones

Seriously

They rented them

Can you see where this is going?

You live in a wonderful time

You get to go on loads of holidays, you eat at restaurants, you tell everyone how tired you are

So, next time you’re feeling all NO WAY, Trump, Brexit, Season Three of Bloodline on Netflix, just remember… um…

No sorry it’s gone

Kidding!

No seriously, it has actually gone

Josh Burt
About the author:
Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

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