Hey look, sandwiches
Turn that perma-frown upside perma-down with this uplifting lists of great observations…
The jambon beurre sandwich is back in Pret a Manger
this means you can eat like a traditional Frenchman every single day of the week
every goddam day
all the way from Lundi to Dimanche, via Mercredi
like you’re Simon Le Bon
We can all still consensually squeeze one another on the bottom or on the tits
Or, if you really want to, on the willy
Also, it’s worth remembering, just for the sake of spiritual enrichment, that whenever you talk to someone, they have genitals
Don’t fixate on them, that’s gross
But they have them. Great big, unwashed genitals. Or washed ones
Point is, they have them
There are still great movie soundtracks to listen to, like Jesus Christ Superstar
You don’t even have to believe in our lord and saviour Jesus Christ to enjoy it
Did he really walk on water? Or was he just strolling down a shoreline?
It could be that no one had ever done that before, so everyone was like WHAT. THE. FUCK.
It was 30,000 BC
Before Camera Phones
People still look at your LinkedIn profile
And when they do, they’re probably all like “sweet profile” and nodding at each other
Because that’s the other thing, it’s unlikely that it’s just one person looking
It’s more likely that there’s a huge group of them assembled in a big hall, all there to look at your LinkedIn profile and really analyse it
They might even applaud at the end
One girl’s crying. Or it could be a guy with long hair. And tits
Nice LinkedIn profile, man
By which I mean “man” in a non-gender-specific way
like when girls call each other “guys”
Nothing wrong with that
Girls can be guys, guys can be girls
Have you listened to Lola by The Kinks?
Oh you have
Have you seen Transparent?
Oh you have
Have you seen Mrs Doubtfire?
Oh you have
The sweet feeling of your eighth pint of lager touching your lips
That moment when everyone’s laughing at a joke you just told
Only did you tell a joke because it feels like you just came out of the toilet?
Why are you lying down?
Whatever, good joke
The blissful sensation of doing a massive wee wee in a field
Just you, nature, pissing all over the place
There’s a farmer shouting at you
Thank you Merlin, god of nature
Also, thank you Merlin, barman from First Dates
Television is nice
You watch much telly?
No me neither
Jokes! I watch loads
Top five TV programs of all time
Sabrina the Teenage Witch
The one with Grotbags
American Horror Story
Oh sorry, should have said
I meant Top Five TV programs about witches
Asking waiters what they would recommend on the menu makes them feel special
Then ordering all of the things they didn’t recommend makes you feel powerful
Really puts them in their place too
And hopefully, just hopefully, they might think about doing something better with their lives
Look at Richard Branson
Did you know that Richard Branson, when he started out, couldn’t speak and he even wore a nappy?
Plus he puked everywhere
Now look at him, excusing himself and changing his own nappy, on a yacht
He’s your gold standard, you need to break through that glass ceiling
Which, FYI, is a metaphor
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones
But probably more importantly, people who own glass houses shouldn’t leave stones lying around
That’s the real mistake here
The people throwing the stones are just doing what nature intended them to do
Being all like “cool, a stone” and then SMASH. Uh oh
There were 4 million sperm competing for one egg and you won
You were the best sperm
And because of you, 3.999999 million sperms died that day
No funeral, no nothing, just loads of dead sperms strewn around the inside of a vagina
Don’t think about that for too long
But acknowledge that the world lost some good men
Though there’s statistical evidence to suggest that all sperm are men, that the tails are really their willies
Also, isn’t Coca Cola magnificent?
So easy to forget that
When you crack into your fifth can of the afternoon, take a moment to really savour it
Really taste the ingredients – the lime juice, the fizzy water, the pepsi leaf
Hang on, who switched this for Pepsi!
It’s okay, relax
Breathe in and take a moment, hold onto the breath, really take in your surroundings
Then exhale really loudly, and hysterically explain to everyone that you thought you were dying
Splutter coke onto the desk
Oh fuck, you’re in a boardroom!
A bored room more like!
Because it’s boring
Next time you see someone covered in tattoos, don’t shriek and run away, talk to them
Ask them when they got out of prison, or what it was like sleeping with prostitutes when they were in the navy
In the olden days toothbrushes were just people’s fingers and you don’t even want to know what toothpaste was
They didn’t have supermarkets
If you wanted to eat you’d have to murder your neighbour’s horse or his wife and then raid their fridge and cupboards for food
People didn’t own mobile phones
They rented them
Can you see where this is going?
You live in a wonderful time
You get to go on loads of holidays, you eat at restaurants, you tell everyone how tired you are
So, next time you’re feeling all NO WAY, Trump, Brexit, Season Three of Bloodline on Netflix, just remember… um…
No sorry it’s gone
No seriously, it has actually gone