Oh yes, she’s a beauty alright
Okay look, you can probably count what I know about computer games on one hand, and much of this list comes from experiences that are so far back in the foggy mists that they might in fact be other people’s memories. But that’s not to say that I haven’t had some great times staring gormlessly at a screen. I have, I truly truly have. All I’m saying is that the chances of you catching me now, as a grown man, on a beanbag, wearing a headset and chatting to some 9-year-old kid on the other side of the world are roughly zero.
Anyway, without any further ado, here are the best ever consoles in order of YES PLEASE to SURE, OKAY
The cool kids called this a SNES, I called it a Super Nintendo, and it first burst into my life when I was a teenager and a couple of mates had them at home. They’d spend hours thrashing me at Street Fighter 2, then they’d thrash me at Super Tennis, and finally they’d thrash me at Mario Kart. I’ve literally never felt so alive.
If you showed the process of loading a ZX Spectrum game to one of these modern millennial guys they’d either punch you in the face and shout DON’T LIE TO ME or kiss you on the lips and whisper “take me to her”. But one thing’s for sure, nothing beats the anticipation of putting a tape cassette in, then waiting three whole days to be utterly shit at Daley Thompson’s Decathlon.
These things were the talk of 1989/90 – was it pronounced “see-gah” or “say-ga” or possibly even “sai-gar”? We never did get to the bottom of that one, but I’ll tell you one thing for nothing – there’s not a hedgehog alive that’s a patch on Sonic the Hedgehog. That guy was fast as fuck.
Back when I was the kind of journalist who meant something, laden with awards, wondering what to call my memoirs, I used to get sent all kinds of gubbins for free. In amongst that gubbins was an Xbox 360, and it was there I learned how to manage professional football teams.
So much better than the previous 63 Ns, this really was the one to spunk your student loan on. It featured a brand new version of Mario Kart that wasn’t as good as the previous version of Mario Kart, but still good enough to spend an afternoon watching other people playing, while you vaguely wondered if you were wasting your life or not.
The world marked its unexpected emergence into a new millennium by mocking the Mayans with the introduction of a Playstation 2 – a sequel that even Nostradamus didn’t see coming. Among other things it taught children how to drive irresponsibly and how to use their stealth to murder people.
By far the best thing about the Gameboy was that everyone thought they were pocket calculators when they first came out, so your teachers would be all like “why can’t you be more like that nerdy guy over there doing maths?” not realising that he was busy posting a high score on Super Mario World. Geeks 1 – Teachers 0.
Remember Donkey Kong? It was the story of a gorilla moving very slowly across a screen for points, possibly to save a woman. Thing is, think about it – can you really trust a gorilla to look after a woman? This doesn’t seem very responsible. Even with your best gorilla on it, I’m still not sure it’s a good idea.