33 Things to say at a 2017 Dinner Party

Face it, it’s 2017 and we’re all going to be hosting a lot of dinner parties, which means having to do lots of small talk. Thankfully, we’re experts at shooting the breeze, so if you find yourself unsure of what to say, try one of these on for size:

Hey it’s a dildo not a dildon’t!

Jeremy Corbyn is like Jeremy Corbyn on acid!

Hands up if you watched The Oscars

I think this craft beer might be corked

Can I read you all a poem?

This could probably do with a smear of nduja

I’ve given up organised religion for lent

There should be a Deliveroo for drugs! Hang on, I’m just going to write that down

Funny thing is, in Australia they pronounce Estrella “Australia”

I saw a lion’s cock this week

What do I watch in bed? Channel Number Five

Read any good books lately? I’m just kidding! Who the fuck read books??

My dream is to have a television that’s the same size as my phone

If I’m on a conference call, 90 per cent of the time I’m naked, 70 per cent of the time I’m showering

I don’t identify my children by gender, I use a numerical system

I’m sorry what bit of schadenfreude don’t you understand?

If Jesus were here SHE’d be working in a circus. Because of the beard

Honestly, just between us twelve, I’m starting to have my doubts about this Trump chick

That stuff is amazing, you must put me in touch with your toilet paper guy?

It’s either George or it’s Michael, you can’t have both

I’ve written Spiderman as a Greek Tragedy where he keeps getting tangled up in his own toga

I never stop working out, not ever. This is me taking five

What did I do this weekend? I stared out to sea, quietly whispering love songs. My wife was out with friends

Oh sorry, I thought you said “this is pete, sir” and I was eating something called pete! Yes, I understand now – this is pizza

I was at school with Tony Blair’s brother Lionel

Aren’t all cars time machines?

I have thousands of pets – that’s what I call my Facebook friends! Seriously though, no, no pets

Sorry do you mind if I take this? It’s Burger King

What if babies came out coughing?

So what have you been up to recently? *secretly requests Uber*

Yeah my denim’s distressed too – because I’m wearing it!

We’re teaching our son to call it his vagino

Three words for you: fancy piss dungeon