Look at them, but what are they?
You always remember your first. Mine was a soggy little number, weeping margarine all over my parents’ willow-pattern dinner set. Even as a four-year-old with an undeveloped child-brain, I knew this was a big deal. But who invented crumpets? Why? How do they get the holes in them? After years of searching I resigned myself to the fact that some questions will never be answered, like why is the sky blue? And what is the capital of Burkina Faso?
These days I concern myself solely with crumpet consumption. And so, as a humble crumpeteer, I offer you my life’s work: five short reviews of carb-loaded snack foods. You are welcome.
For my money a little too deep to be delicious. With the toaster on toast mark four you’ll get a lightly browned surface, but medium rare flesh. Crank it up to five and it’ll cook all the way through, but you’ll have burnt your lid, friend. A real Sophie’s Choice scenario. I wonder if Sophie would pick toast mark four or five… 2.5/5
In these days of austerity, the supermarket brand crumpet can offer affordable solace to the hard-up crumpeteer. For the price, this is a solid crumpet. While it lacks the luxurious, fluffy innards of a Warburtons, J Sainsbury has come up with an enjoyably soft snack for these hard times. 3/5
You can say what you like about Thomas Warburton (b. 1876), but this very old cat sure knows how to make a crumpet. “Thick & Fluffy” boasts the packet and it does exactly what it says on the polyethylene film. Despite the depth, even a beginner crumpeteer can achieve complete cook through with the aid of just a simple toaster. Well played, Tom. 4/5
Despite only having five letters, Hovis has been a big name in the crumpet world for over a century and boy can you see why. The pockmarked membrane is crisp to the tooth and gives way to a pillowy core. Finish that off with a base robust enough to mop up the excesses of the most liberal butterer and you’ve got yourself a crumpet, friend. 4/5
Warburtons Giant Crumpet
“Have you lost your marbles, man?!” Shouted Ellen, when her husband, Thomas Warburton, first told her of his bold plan to supersize the crumpet. But despite being 139 years old, Tom’s marbles are exactly where they should be; in his head. Having said that, this is purely a novelty addition to the crumpet category. Something to impress foreign dignitaries or showcase the power of mankind to visiting extraterrestrials. As a day-to-day snack, it’s just too big, Tom! 3/5
Are you a crumpet enthusiast? (Rhetorical question). Do you have a crumpet you want me to review? (Non-rhetorical question). Just add the details in the comments section below. And don’t forget, friend, you can follow all my crumpet reviews on Instagram using #crumpetreviews.