70-odd New Years Resolutions you should really think about trying out

Published: 31st Dec, 2015

Including something about this…

Wing walk

Well, Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2016 turns out to be a better version of 2015 for you. No doubt some of you will be giving up all of the things that you adore for January and possibly beyond, but that’s such a negative way of looking at life. Instead, for one year, how about not giving something up, but taking something on? Here is a list of great options, all of which will almost definitely make you a better, more attractive, and wealthier person…

Invent something truly, truly amazing – as in really amazing

Finally start talking to people about your poetry

Be the first person to swim to the South Pole using your dick as a rudder

Do as much of a triathlon as you can be bothered with

Walk around in a karate outfit asking if anyone’s seen Toby

Go away for three months and come back with a nose ring

Learn to kite surf with your top off

Learn to bodysurf with no bottoms on

Go to Burger or Lobster

Get the world record for putting pegs on your face

Eat a calippo while doing jury service

Build your own house

Chop wood in a thunderstorm

Stand on a balcony howling with laughter during a rainstorm

Fall to your knees and tear your shirt open during a hailstorm

Get a couple of chicks pregnant

Tie your hair into a little knot on top of your head

Get a go-faster stripe in your eyebrow

Become friends with Wayne Wonder

Wrap a present then throw it into the ocean

Say you’re going to mow the lawn, but mean you’re going to trim your pubes

Invest in a gigantic belt buckle

Climb halfway up a tree then get scared but style it out

Write an opera

Tell someone you’ve just met that you think they might be the one

Walk down the street shouting “Show yourself!”

Smile at someone on a train, then look down, then coyly look up again

Stand on the wing of a flying plane

Walk into the middle of a basketball game and start systematically insulting everyone’s mum

Wear a heavy golden bracelet

Finally start practicing your street art on the walls of other people’s houses

Smoke a lot of pot and discuss foreign cinema

Take a lot of cocaine and discuss 1990s cinema

Drop some acid and discuss Star Wars but mean Star Trek

Make a bucket list of your favourite buckets

Pour yourself a really small glass of Fosters and stand up looking out of a window at work

Walk down the street with a group of mates, but be in tears

Slaughter your own dinner with your bare hands while screaming

Visit every single continent in the world and take a slightly blurry selfie

Brush your teeth for an hour every day

Finally arrange that enormous outdoor rock concert you’ve been dreaming about

Nod, then think for a moment, then smile and carry on nodding every time you take a sip of something

Make a giant statue of the person you love

Sprint to work every day

Sprint to the shops every other day

Sprint across the Gobi Desert

Sprint from your bedroom to the bathroom and then back again

Enforce a “no trainers” rule in the hallway

Wear a strap-on dildo and ask people if they like your new belt

Chase a piano down a hill

Chase a chicken through a market

Slap a cow in the face

Use a phone box

Dress like an adventurer

Take your dad for a cappuccino

Learn street level kung fu

Deliberately get your boss’s name wrong every time you speak

Say “not a euphemism” after every sentence, then one day don’t say it

Make a clay interpretation of your dream pair of breasts

Walk around your gym drinking cold water from a jam jar

Stride into a room shouting NO over and over again into your phone

Order a Meateor from Dominos

Take hundreds of selfies and put them on Instagram

Become the world’s most revered erotic artist

Wear a thumb ring

Shout “okay let’s do this!” at the end of every work meeting

Slowly rollerblade backwards into the middle of a group of people and say “sup?”

Pour an entire packet of Maltesers into your mouth just as someone opens the front door at a dinner party

LIKE your friends’ most obscure Facebook pictures from years ago

Make a cabbie smile by saying something vaguely racist before they do

Talk to a builder using your normal voice

Whisper “are you trying to seduce me?” to a cashier

Arrive at a party dressed as “Naked Moses”

Call everyone “brah”

Buy a goat to kill your cat

Make a list of your best friends in order

Break up a fight by trying to initiate a group hug

Josh Burt
About the author:
Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

One Response to 70-odd New Years Resolutions you should really think about trying out

  1. Anthony says:

    This makes me weep with joy. Bravo.

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