70-odd New Years Resolutions you should really think about trying out
Including something about this…
Well, Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2016 turns out to be a better version of 2015 for you. No doubt some of you will be giving up all of the things that you adore for January and possibly beyond, but that’s such a negative way of looking at life. Instead, for one year, how about not giving something up, but taking something on? Here is a list of great options, all of which will almost definitely make you a better, more attractive, and wealthier person…
Invent something truly, truly amazing – as in really amazing
Finally start talking to people about your poetry
Be the first person to swim to the South Pole using your dick as a rudder
Do as much of a triathlon as you can be bothered with
Walk around in a karate outfit asking if anyone’s seen Toby
Go away for three months and come back with a nose ring
Learn to kite surf with your top off
Learn to bodysurf with no bottoms on
Go to Burger or Lobster
Get the world record for putting pegs on your face
Eat a calippo while doing jury service
Build your own house
Chop wood in a thunderstorm
Stand on a balcony howling with laughter during a rainstorm
Fall to your knees and tear your shirt open during a hailstorm
Get a couple of chicks pregnant
Tie your hair into a little knot on top of your head
Get a go-faster stripe in your eyebrow
Become friends with Wayne Wonder
Wrap a present then throw it into the ocean
Say you’re going to mow the lawn, but mean you’re going to trim your pubes
Invest in a gigantic belt buckle
Climb halfway up a tree then get scared but style it out
Write an opera
Tell someone you’ve just met that you think they might be the one
Walk down the street shouting “Show yourself!”
Smile at someone on a train, then look down, then coyly look up again
Stand on the wing of a flying plane
Walk into the middle of a basketball game and start systematically insulting everyone’s mum
Wear a heavy golden bracelet
Finally start practicing your street art on the walls of other people’s houses
Smoke a lot of pot and discuss foreign cinema
Take a lot of cocaine and discuss 1990s cinema
Drop some acid and discuss Star Wars but mean Star Trek
Make a bucket list of your favourite buckets
Pour yourself a really small glass of Fosters and stand up looking out of a window at work
Walk down the street with a group of mates, but be in tears
Slaughter your own dinner with your bare hands while screaming
Visit every single continent in the world and take a slightly blurry selfie
Brush your teeth for an hour every day
Finally arrange that enormous outdoor rock concert you’ve been dreaming about
Nod, then think for a moment, then smile and carry on nodding every time you take a sip of something
Make a giant statue of the person you love
Sprint to work every day
Sprint to the shops every other day
Sprint across the Gobi Desert
Sprint from your bedroom to the bathroom and then back again
Enforce a “no trainers” rule in the hallway
Wear a strap-on dildo and ask people if they like your new belt
Chase a piano down a hill
Chase a chicken through a market
Slap a cow in the face
Use a phone box
Dress like an adventurer
Take your dad for a cappuccino
Learn street level kung fu
Deliberately get your boss’s name wrong every time you speak
Say “not a euphemism” after every sentence, then one day don’t say it
Make a clay interpretation of your dream pair of breasts
Walk around your gym drinking cold water from a jam jar
Stride into a room shouting NO over and over again into your phone
Order a Meateor from Dominos
Take hundreds of selfies and put them on Instagram
Become the world’s most revered erotic artist
Wear a thumb ring
Shout “okay let’s do this!” at the end of every work meeting
Slowly rollerblade backwards into the middle of a group of people and say “sup?”
Pour an entire packet of Maltesers into your mouth just as someone opens the front door at a dinner party
LIKE your friends’ most obscure Facebook pictures from years ago
Make a cabbie smile by saying something vaguely racist before they do
Talk to a builder using your normal voice
Whisper “are you trying to seduce me?” to a cashier
Arrive at a party dressed as “Naked Moses”
Call everyone “brah”
Buy a goat to kill your cat
Make a list of your best friends in order
Break up a fight by trying to initiate a group hug
This makes me weep with joy. Bravo.