A massive list of things we worry about

Published: 10th Nov, 2015

Arrggghhh!

The Scream

At the most simplistic level, life is made up of a series of decisions that collate over a period of time to create a bunch of experiences, and then you die. But there’s this giant monster in the middle of the whole process fucking everything up, and that monster represents the things that you worry about, which in turn inform a lot of the decisions you make, which in turn change your experiences, and then, here’s the real kick in the balls, it still ends the same way – you die. Which is a big worry.

Anyway I have no idea what any of that first paragraph means, I’m not a scientist nor a philosopher, I’m just a really great looking guy. And like everyone else, I worry about the stupidest shit – what if I accidentally stand up and start shouting during a play? Is there toilet paper stuck to my trousers? – so I thought for the good of mankind, as a wholesome and therapeutic exercise, I’d ask my peers what they worry about and then we’d make a giant list, laugh about it and all feel great. We’d then be completely worry-free for the rest of our lives, hooray! Here’s the list….

That people can tell I have no idea what I’m doing

I worry about the big tree over the road crashing into our house when it’s windy and crushing us in our beds

I worry about Kerry Katona

Everything to do with money

That I’ve aged without realising

That nothing I do matters

That when I am alone in the house at night I will get burgled/murdered/fire

That I will always struggle with my career and never make it successfully

That people think I’m an idiot

Everyone thinks I’m self-obsessed

My arse looks weird

The future

My hangover will actually kill me

Why am I so socially awkward?

I will make a small mistake when driving which could kill me/someone else

I am a lot fatter than I think I am

Every work meeting I’m not in is about how to get rid of me

When my chair moves does it sound like a fart?

My neighbours think I’m posh

The confidence I had when I was younger will never come back

Not being able to afford my home

I am wasting my time

People think I’m selfish

I’ll come out of the loo with a stripe of poo up the back of my shirt

That my diction isn’t clear enough

I’ll slip in the shower and break my legs

Worry about exposing my toes. Even to myself

I worry that the high-up cupboard that holds our plates and bowls will fall off the wall and crush me

Worry at every dental check up they’ll tell me I have mouth cancer

That I’ll lose my job and be totally fucked

I live next door to a terrorist

I don’t see enough of my family

For about a year I used to worry that I would get so excited that I would throw my drink in my own face

That I’ll die before I have done everything I need to do to raise my kids

Why does the bin smell even though I’ve disinfected it?

Have I ever been someone’s pity-fuck? Or worse, a BET?

If there’s a fire in the hall, how do we get out?

That the old looking person in the mirror really is me

Has my hoover lost its suction?

Do I have a disappointing dick?

Do I shout too much?

When I ignore a cry from the baby monitor something serious has happened

That I am talentless

Are my best days already behind me?

That I will die having not left a set of instructions for my husband

Is that mole okay? Has it changed shape?

I worry about cars or buses mounting the pavement and running my daughter over

That I’m not remotely sexy at all in any way

I worry about things falling off scaffolding or builders dropping something on my head

Are my boobs lovably wonky or fucking horrible?

Do I look like a tragic older guy trying to carry off trainers?

Female Hair Loss

Are foxes going to become a problem in my back garden and attack small children?

Are the goods I’ve purchased on the internet legitimate or counterfeit?

Should I still chase my dreams or is it time to make do?

I always worry that the thing I just said maybe offended someone. Then I leave and worry about the whole exchange again

Can everyone sense my anxiety?

Cancer

One day I’ll just puke everywhere for no apparent reason

Sugar Addiction

That I’m going to run out of petrol every time I go anywhere

That my career peaked and I didn’t know

Kids having too much screen time

My breath stinks but I can’t tell and everyone knows and no one is telling me

I worry about yesterday’s sock hanging out the bottom of my trouser leg

Does my contents insurance actually cover my contents?

Expensive Garden Furniture rotting/decaying over winter

My children near edges: bridges, cliffs, high buildings

Do mums think I’m a paedo because I love kids and can’t stop staring?

I’ll get drunk and accidentally shame myself on social media

Is the wifi giving me cancer?

That I have B.O

People are laughing at my selfies in a bad way

Do visitors notice the dust in the house and think we’re filthy?

If I die, will all that’s left be a Facebook comment?

Am I too manly or too feminine for women to find attractive?

Did people notice the snot that flew up my arm when I sneezed?

Why do I know more about my illness than my doctor?

That I’ll have a Dr Pepper “what’s the worst that can happen?” moment and literally lose everything

I worry what my husband is thinking all the time

That members of my own family think I’m a dick

How many times my new baby will wake at night and how tired I’ll feel the next day

What other people think of me

My husband’s away and I’m sure I can hear someone lurking outside on the patio so I’m worried they are about to break in and kill my son

Every time I tell my kids off, I worry that I’ve just put the nail in the coffin of our future adult relationship

The amount of calories in everything I eat

That my kids will never want to come for Sunday lunch/Christmas when they’ve got their own families

If people are monitoring our internet activity, do I come across predictable and boring?

Are they staring at me or are they wondering why I’m staring at them?

That I have nappy poo smeared on my face

Would it be insane if I spent the afternoon measuring how far I live to that electric pylon?

If that train derails will I be expected to save people?

That everyone secretly thinks I’m rubbish

That I am constantly swallowing spiders in my sleep

Josh Burt
About the author:
Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

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