At the most simplistic level, life is made up of a series of decisions that collate over a period of time to create a bunch of experiences, and then you die. But there’s this giant monster in the middle of the whole process fucking everything up, and that monster represents the things that you worry about, which in turn inform a lot of the decisions you make, which in turn change your experiences, and then, here’s the real kick in the balls, it still ends the same way – you die. Which is a big worry.
Anyway I have no idea what any of that first paragraph means, I’m not a scientist nor a philosopher, I’m just a really great looking guy. And like everyone else, I worry about the stupidest shit – what if I accidentally stand up and start shouting during a play? Is there toilet paper stuck to my trousers? – so I thought for the good of mankind, as a wholesome and therapeutic exercise, I’d ask my peers what they worry about and then we’d make a giant list, laugh about it and all feel great. We’d then be completely worry-free for the rest of our lives, hooray! Here’s the list….
That people can tell I have no idea what I’m doing
I worry about the big tree over the road crashing into our house when it’s windy and crushing us in our beds
I worry about Kerry Katona
Everything to do with money
That I’ve aged without realising
That nothing I do matters
That when I am alone in the house at night I will get burgled/murdered/fire
That I will always struggle with my career and never make it successfully
That people think I’m an idiot
Everyone thinks I’m self-obsessed
My arse looks weird
My hangover will actually kill me
Why am I so socially awkward?
I will make a small mistake when driving which could kill me/someone else
I am a lot fatter than I think I am
Every work meeting I’m not in is about how to get rid of me
When my chair moves does it sound like a fart?
My neighbours think I’m posh
The confidence I had when I was younger will never come back
Not being able to afford my home
I am wasting my time
People think I’m selfish
I’ll come out of the loo with a stripe of poo up the back of my shirt
That my diction isn’t clear enough
I’ll slip in the shower and break my legs
Worry about exposing my toes. Even to myself
I worry that the high-up cupboard that holds our plates and bowls will fall off the wall and crush me
Worry at every dental check up they’ll tell me I have mouth cancer
That I’ll lose my job and be totally fucked
I live next door to a terrorist
I don’t see enough of my family
For about a year I used to worry that I would get so excited that I would throw my drink in my own face
That I’ll die before I have done everything I need to do to raise my kids
Why does the bin smell even though I’ve disinfected it?
Have I ever been someone’s pity-fuck? Or worse, a BET?
If there’s a fire in the hall, how do we get out?
That the old looking person in the mirror really is me
Has my hoover lost its suction?
Do I have a disappointing dick?
Do I shout too much?
When I ignore a cry from the baby monitor something serious has happened
That I am talentless
Are my best days already behind me?
That I will die having not left a set of instructions for my husband
Is that mole okay? Has it changed shape?
I worry about cars or buses mounting the pavement and running my daughter over
That I’m not remotely sexy at all in any way
I worry about things falling off scaffolding or builders dropping something on my head
Are my boobs lovably wonky or fucking horrible?
Do I look like a tragic older guy trying to carry off trainers?
Female Hair Loss
Are foxes going to become a problem in my back garden and attack small children?
Are the goods I’ve purchased on the internet legitimate or counterfeit?
Should I still chase my dreams or is it time to make do?
I always worry that the thing I just said maybe offended someone. Then I leave and worry about the whole exchange again
Can everyone sense my anxiety?
One day I’ll just puke everywhere for no apparent reason
That I’m going to run out of petrol every time I go anywhere
That my career peaked and I didn’t know
Kids having too much screen time
My breath stinks but I can’t tell and everyone knows and no one is telling me
I worry about yesterday’s sock hanging out the bottom of my trouser leg
Does my contents insurance actually cover my contents?
Expensive Garden Furniture rotting/decaying over winter
My children near edges: bridges, cliffs, high buildings
Do mums think I’m a paedo because I love kids and can’t stop staring?
I’ll get drunk and accidentally shame myself on social media
Is the wifi giving me cancer?
That I have B.O
People are laughing at my selfies in a bad way
Do visitors notice the dust in the house and think we’re filthy?
If I die, will all that’s left be a Facebook comment?
Am I too manly or too feminine for women to find attractive?
Did people notice the snot that flew up my arm when I sneezed?
Why do I know more about my illness than my doctor?
That I’ll have a Dr Pepper “what’s the worst that can happen?” moment and literally lose everything
I worry what my husband is thinking all the time
That members of my own family think I’m a dick
How many times my new baby will wake at night and how tired I’ll feel the next day
What other people think of me
My husband’s away and I’m sure I can hear someone lurking outside on the patio so I’m worried they are about to break in and kill my son
Every time I tell my kids off, I worry that I’ve just put the nail in the coffin of our future adult relationship
The amount of calories in everything I eat
That my kids will never want to come for Sunday lunch/Christmas when they’ve got their own families
If people are monitoring our internet activity, do I come across predictable and boring?
Are they staring at me or are they wondering why I’m staring at them?
That I have nappy poo smeared on my face
Would it be insane if I spent the afternoon measuring how far I live to that electric pylon?
If that train derails will I be expected to save people?
That everyone secretly thinks I’m rubbish
That I am constantly swallowing spiders in my sleep