New guidelines on how to watch Fifty Shades of Grey have published…
Fifty Shades of Grey Watching Guide:
1. Sit comfortably in the cinema.
2. Take the blindfold out of your trouser pocket where it will have been warmed by your excitement.
3. Position the blindfold over your eyes and then tie the knot tight. No peeking. Tight I said. Owch, that’s too tight. Okay that’s Okay.
4. Oh wait, they might have some good trailers. Take the blindfold off.
5. Nope, adverts. Put it back on again.
6. Now there are trailers. They might have the one for Mad Max: Fury Road or The Force Awakens.
7. The movie is beginning. Reposition the blindfold.
8. Take the earplugs out of your pocket where they will be moist from the melted chocolate bar you forgot was in there.
9. Put them in your ears. That’s right. In. Deep. Uh huh! Okay. Can you hear me? No of course you can’t I could say anything. You smell like a wet badger. Did you hear that? I don’t care if you did. Did it hurt your feelings? I don’t care. I am the MASTER.
10. Once the film is over, think about the ten dollars you paid for your ticket and you didn’t even get to see the film did you? Ow! That hurts! Think about it again. Ow. And again. Again. Ahhhhhhhh.
Fifty Shades of Grey is out.