Including the one worn by this guy…
Look out of the window and you’ll notice that all of those years you spent spraying cans of hairspray and deodorant at the sky are taking their toll on the weather. It’s cold, wrap-up-warm cold, the kind of cold that requires numerous layers topped off with a nice big coat and possibly a ski mask. But what coat should you wear? There are so many coats. Here are ten options…
Derided as something a salesman or a gambling addict would wear, the highest status a sheepskin jacket can muster these days seems to be when it’s worn by a football pundit, which is an utterly ridiculous state of affairs. They’re amazingly warm and they look gorgeous, like a hot woman or a really womanly hot guy – in America they’re synonymous with the cool smoking Marlboro Man. We just need to rewire our thinking and learn to love them.
The Leather Jacket
The leather jacket tells the world that you just don’t care, and also that you might have a flick knife or a bike chain in your pocket. Plus, according to statistics, no one has ever put on a leather jacket and not looked immediately more attractive to girls, but attractive in a dangerous kind of way that suggests you’re not afraid to try out new stuff in bed. Flip up the old collars up and you’ll be taking the Greyhound Bus to Sex Town, Mississippi.
So long associated with the kind of guys who masturbate in public, or with spies conspicuously attempting to look casual on park benches, raincoats have been elevated in recent years to high fashion. Some people would argue that they’ve always been incredibly groovy. And by some people we mean Columbo. The detective Columbo would argue that. Precisely just him.
The great conundrum for 1960s mods was how to keep their fine Italian wool jumpers and ball-hugging hipster trousers pristine while spluttering out fumes and pollution from the bumhole of their state-of-the-art mopeds. Then some bright spark suggested a heavy duty long green disposable jacket preferably with a hood, and the rest is history. Now mostly worn by men with haircuts that hark back to a young Cilla Black or an old Paul Weller.
The Donkey Jacket
If you wore one of these in the 1980s it meant that your life was in utter turmoil. You worked down a pit, you smoked roll ups using a thumb and forefinger pincer and you dreamed of being a ballerina. Now you shop for artisan loaves and go to flower markets and possibly ARE a ballerina. Or ballerino. What’s the masculine term for ballet dancer? Is it ballet dancetress? It’s not that is it?
Not to be confused with Gillette which is a shaving brand that seriously opposes the use of beards, this Gilet is far less politically-minded, but much more body-warming – it’s a sleeveless jacket for guys who are bloody freezing but still want to show off their muscles. Alternatively they’re an underlayer to an even bigger jacket or an overlayer to a dinky one.
Worn by men who stride down high streets with their feet pointing slightly outwards and their arms swinging in an affected display of faux-breeziness, you’d be wise to pay attention to the inner voice that’s urging you to avoid eye contact and hide in a shop doorway. One whiff of you and this guy’s going to start asking rhetorical questions such as “can I help you?” or “you want something?” or the real bum-clencher “what you looking at?”
The Denim Jacket
One down from the leather jacket in terms of toughness, the denim jacket suggests that you have street smarts but you’re not necessarily looking for trouble. In fact, if you team it up with a nice silk scarf there’s a good chance you’re looking for a local drama class, or you just fancy one of those expensive coffees that you get in those coffee shops. You know, the ones with the moustaches and the tattoo people.
The fleece doesn’t suggest that you’re after much in the way of pussy in the near future, but goodness me it’s a warm jacket. There’s something about the material that insulates to the point of feeling like you’ve been placed in a gentle oven and it’s moderately baking your insides. The downsides are that these don’t tend to sit well with people with allergies, plus the aforementioned pussy drought situation.
The Duffle Coat
If you spent decades gathering together pubes from plugholes, statistically one day you could make yourself your very own pube duffle coat, crafted from only the finest stray and free range genital hairs from around your neck of the woods. Sure it might smell a bit of other people’s willies but so the hell what? You’ve made it yourself. Alternatively, buy a non-pubic one from a shop and pay by card or by cash.