The Interestment Awards 2014
Including a little something for this guy…
Awards season is in full swing. The Baftas, the Brits, the Oscars, some other awards shows that I can’t remember at the moment. London Fashion Week’s been on, that’s sort of an awards show. Anyway this got me thinking and I’ve decided to hand out some awards in the name of Interestment. You will find them all listed below, feel very free to add your own in the comments section…
Grooviest Single – I’d Think It Over Twice, Sam Fletcher
There have probably been lots of good singles released over the last twelve months, but I only really know the Nile Rogers one and the catchy one about rape and I’m not a massive fan of either. Hence my favourite song of 2013/14 is this 1964 gem which I found on an old compilation that I bought in 1991. FUCK YOU IT DOES COUNT!
Coolest Dude – Prince
I normally miss bandwagons because I’m either way off the pace or I’m looking in the other direction or I’m far too busy being arch and contrary to maintain my image as a hipster, but in the case of the latest Prince-in-concert bandwagon I missed it because I’ve developed a lazy streak that makes me allergic to queuing. More fool me, because he’s clearly turned into Hendrix.
Coolest Dudette – Amy Poehler
When brainless panel show misogynists complain about a lack of funny women in the world, I give them Exhibit A: Amy Poehler from Parks and Recreation. I move onto Exhibit B which is Sarah Silverman, then I mention Tina Fey who is Exhibit C, Elaine from Seinfeld (D), I point out the lady in Glee (E), I make up a couple of names for fun and then start mumbling things incoherently, I form a shape with my mouth that looks like I’m about to say Jo Brand but then I totally 180 that motherfucker and shout AMY POEHLER again as if I haven’t mentioned her yet. I then repeat this over and over again forever. But seriously (removes clown outfit) I’d find it harder to name genuinely funny guys.
Best New Supermarket for a Weekly Shop – Lidl
Not bragging or anything but I’ve been to all the good supermarkets – Tesco, Sainsburys, Asda, you name it. Waitrose. Morrisons. If Costcutter counts I’ve also been to Costcutter. But my current favourite for a weekly shop is Lidl which is amazing for so many reasons ranging from their brilliant veg to their weird sausages in jars, but it’s mainly amazing because when you say it out loud to other people you sound like a really posh guy saying “little”.
Most Surprisingly Good TV Show – Celebrity Big Brother
Defying all the laws of modern reality TV shows this year’s CBB somehow reversed its downward trajectory to jerk forward like a corpse at the end of a horror film. It literally had it all – love triangles, people yelling, Dappy from N-Dubzzz having animated conversations with mirrors, Lionel Blair shouting SUCK MY DICK at Luisa from The Apprentice. What a show. Emma Willis was also excellent in the Davina McCall role once very much ruined by Brian Dowling.
Tastiest Sweets – M&S Wine Gums
No one has put more painstaking research into wine gums than I have and literally none are better in terms of taste and texture than the ones you’ll find in the Jellied Sweets aisle at Marks and Spencers. I’ve had to wean myself off them because I was becoming an alcoholic but with sweets, or a chocoholic but with alcohol and then with sweets. Whichever way you want to look at it.
Greatest Crime Show Cop – Saga, The Bridge
In a world where TV cops are rife and abundant one bonkers Swede has risen head and shoulders above the rest and that’s Saga from The Bridge. She’s a brilliant blonde detective. She has a weird personality disorder. She makes Sherlock Holmes look like Frank Drebin. She’s pretty like a model. She wears leather trousers like a rock star. She makes me laugh like silly monkey. She funny. I have no idea where this is going.
Best Film I Watched – Vanishing Point
I’ve seen lots of groovy stuff at the cinema. 12 Years a Slave made me cry, The Wolf of Wall Street was amazingly good fun, Anchorman 2 was like someone trying to retell you Anchorman 1 from memory after twelve years and nine pints. But the truth is my favourite time to sit back and enjoy a movie is between 9am and 11am on a Saturday morning with a pot of tea and a sofa, and in the last twelve months I’ve seen loads of cool DVDs – I rewatched White Men Can’t Jump and that was a riot, The Breakfast Club always suits that time of day as do Mallrats and Akira and Wild Style, but probably my favourite Saturday morning watch was the inexplicable road movie Vanishing Point. My movie of the year! (from 1971)
Best Book I Read – Danny Baker, Going to Sea in a Sieve
2013 was the year that my disbelief refused to be suspended for a second longer making fiction a real struggle for me, hence most of my recent favourites have been fact based. I liked Up in the Old Hotel by Joseph Mitchell which I read recently mainly because it made me look all clever and sexy on bus journeys, but if I had to pick one book it’d be Danny Baker’s autobiography which I rocketed through at pace because it’s a wild technicolour ride through the birth of yooof culture and I particularly love his fragrant disregard for money.
Sportsman of The Year – Vintage Michael Laudrup
I’m well aware that we live in a world full of great sportsmen at their peak – Messi, Ronaldo, the double-surnamed Australian cricketer Mitchel Johnson, Andy Murray of tennis and his pals Nadal, Djokovic and lord of the manor Roger Federer. The sprinters Usain Bolt and Speedy McFastlegs, snooker’s Richard O’Sullivan, Robin Hood of archery, the hockey player Sticks O’Callaghan. I could go on. But no one will ever touch Michael Laudrup from the 1990s and his legend lives on year after year via the magic of Youtube. Hence he’s my sportsman now and probably every year until the end of time.