Great friend of the site and author Mink Elliott addresses underpants and toilet issues…
It suddenly occurs to me (well, it did a few weeks ago, but it’s taken me this long to get my thoughts down) – don’t guys get such an easy time of it in this world?! I’m thinking, of course, about pants. Knickers, undies, under-crackers – call ‘em what you will (except panties – urgh!), whoever designed them, must have been a man (and some awful handlebar-moustachioed-man defo came up with the word ‘panties’- probably in some 1970s hopelessly un-sexy ‘erotic’ movie or something).
Inequality between the sexes starts early and is evident everywhere – particularly in Y-Fronts. I mean, just look how easy it is for men to do a wee! They don’t have to sit down – THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PULL THEIR PANTS DOWN! They just undo their fly, whip their willies out of the handy ‘penis pocket’ cleverly stitched into their knick-knacks, point Percy at the porcelain and off they go, arrogantly thrusting their hips forward and promptly peeing all over the floor.
I mean, come on!
I’ve been thinking about this kind of thing a lot lately (gender inequality – always, pants – for the past few months), because I’m STILL toilet-training my son. I keep saying to him: “Wee into the bowl, not outside it – that’s what big boys do!” But we both know that’s a lie. One look at the loo area (the floor, the ‘S’ bend, sometimes even the bloody ceiling) after his daddy’s paid it a visit tells us a very different story – The Truth.
Maybe it’s my fault (WARNING: hang onto your crow’s feet, here comes some mother’s guilt). Maybe it’s our collective fault. Maybe us mums treat our little boys like princes for so long, it’s inevitable they turn out to be lazy, demanding and such a poor aim when they ‘grow up’ (term used so loosely, I’ve already lost hold of it – much like my mind. But that’s another post TBA).
I’m trying my best to instil in both my kids the idea of equality (reading The Sneetches every night is as good a place as any to start), but when it comes to knickers there’s no contest – girls still have to work to perform basic bodily functions, coordinate their minds and bodies and complete complex manoeuvres – while boys just let it happen – literally letting it all wash over them, knowing that someone (probably a girl) will clean up after them, anyway. Girls tend to ‘do’ and boys tend to ‘have it done for them’. Don’t you think?
Well not my Little Lord Fauntleroy. No way. My little boy’s going to grow into a well-balanced, unselfish, compassionate, caring, empathetic and smart adult who’s good to his mum and calls her every day – even if he isn’t gay. And I’m starting now – right now. Just as soon as I can prise that servant’s bell out of his little, constantly-ringing hand and drag him away from his racing car bed and its in-built TV.
But enough banging on from me – it’s high time I got the smoked salmon and caviar ready for Maxi’s mid-morning snack. Honestly, if it’s not the exact right temperature and ready on time…