The 10 Greatest Sidekicks of ALL TIME

Published: 16th Jan, 2014

Including one of these cats…

Wham!

There isn’t a person alive who wouldn’t benefit from a sidekick and basically all of the most powerful people in the country have them. David Cameron has Nick Clegg, Ant has Dec and Dec has Ant. The ultimate sidekick would probably be an identical twin who is slightly smaller, weaker and less intelligent than you so you can order them around but still have that unbreakable telekinetic bond that twins have. The bond that links you until you finally die on exactly the same day. Anyway, without any more waffle here’s the ten greatest sidekicks of all time…

Flavor Flav

Chuck D and Flavor Flav of Public Enemy

The ultimate hype man, with Flav in your camp you’d never need enter a room ever again without someone with a large clock around their neck bellowing your name at the top of their voice and shooting finger pistols at the ceiling to announce your arrival. That alone would be a wonderful ice breaker in any social situation.

Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous

Patsy

Every now and then we all need a good-time buddy in a leather jacket and a short skirt who has no idea how old they are, what day it is, or what they’re doing here because they’re probably still a bit pissed from breakfast.

Paulie Walnuts from The Sopranos

Paulie Walnuts

For those not in the know Paulie Walnuts was Tony Soprano’s muscle, a psychopath prone to paranoid fits and strange visions, but don’t be put off by anything I’ve just said, he really would be a great laugh to have around. He’s got two-tone hair for starters which is immediately hilarious.

Moss from The IT Crowd

Moss

Originally I was going to put Mr Spock in this list until I really thought about it and decided that he would be an absolute nightmare. The ears, the constantly arched-eyebrow questioning everything you do, the French lesbian haircut, he’s so judgmental. So in the end I went for Moss from the IT Crowd who’s basically the same but funnier and less of a cock.

George Costanza from Seinfeld

George Costanza

It’s key for your sidekick to make you look good, which they can either do by constantly praising you or by constantly shaming themselves to make you look amazing in comparison. This little ball of immense fury falls into the latter camp.

Peter Beardsley from England 1986

Peter Beardsley

It’s a mark of my respect for Peter Beardsley that back in the mid-1980s while everyone else was shopping for Bryan Robson Captain Marvel shin pads, I was forking out pocket change for the autographed Peter Beardsley ones. They were made from pure cardboard and I broke my shins on a weekly basis, but my love for him remains undiminished. Handsome, elegant, unselfish, he’d even rub baby oil into your thighs if you asked him to.

Goose from Top Gun

Goose

You can be the greatest sidekick in the world but that doesn’t mean the guy you’re sidekicking won’t be a total prick, as was the case for poor tragic Goose, who unwittingly attached himself to the most self-centred pilot in the history of the US Air Force. I’m just going to throw this out there: if it weren’t for Maverick, Goose would still be alive.

Chewbacca from Star Wars

Chewbacca

Fact 1. Chewbacca never wore any clothes, he was a completely naked monster. Fact 2. Despite Han’s best efforts to pretend otherwise, Chewbacca’s groans and growls weren’t fully formed sentences that could be translated into English. It wasn’t a language, he may have been brain damaged. Fact 3. He’s still on this list anyway. Fact 4. I have no more facts.

Snoopy from Peanuts

Snoopy

The old adage about dogs being a man’s best friend is actually quite depressing. Firstly, it means your best friend is a DOG. Secondly, dogs are notoriously loyal and thick which doesn’t reflect well on what men look for in their relationships. But forget all that, you know what is the exact opposite of depressing? When Snoopy dances!

Andrew Ridgeley from Wham!

Wham MAIN

If you asked men to honestly describe their perfect best mate, like HONESTLY, at least 53 per cent of them would start with the words “well for a start he’s got to be hot and undemanding”, which is the precise definition of Andrew Ridgeley in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Now tell me who I missed in the comments section, unless it’s Dr Watson. I know I missed Dr Watson. That was a mistake. A big mistake. Huge.

Josh Burt
About the author:

Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

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