Including some classic arse wallpapering…
It seems like such a long time ago that tattoos were used to brand criminals or people who were brain damaged so that you could avoid them at parties or in restaurants, and now they’re everywhere. You’re a modern human being reading this piece so chances are that you either have one, you’re going to get one, or you’re fantasizing about getting one even though you’re definitely too old to make it appear like anything other than a breakdown. I almost got one when I was drunk once but then thought better of it. Anyway, if you are thinking about it, here’s a few options courtesy of some handsome and beautiful famous people…
A still life of some sparrows on your torso
Now look I don’t know a great deal about what turns people on these days, but I’ll bet you a thousand guineas that whenever Harry, Tobin, Rufus, Jaheem or any of the other One Direction boys peel off their v-neck t-shirts from The Gap to reveal soft naked torsos awash with doodles of boats and bird cages and 3-D cubes and snakes wrapped around daggers and spiders webs and little sparrows fluttering all around their nips, everyone’s pupils suddenly dilate and girls everywhere shriek and then faint.
Some emotions spelt out on your knuckles
Traditionally people have used their four knuckles on each hand to spell out the words LOVE and HATE, but really you can spell whatever emotions or words you like. The dictionary is full of words you could use. You could have JOY with an exclamation mark on one hand, or you could have ENNUI which is a feeling of general dissatisfaction spelt over two hands with a dramatic dot dot dot afterwards to suggest that it’s an ongoing emotion that you’re experiencing. The popular male model James Arthur keeps it simple but effective like his love songs.
A nice big cross on the back of your neck
If you ever want to see the professional gentleman David Beckham running around in circles on the spot just remind him about the tattoo on the back of his neck. It’s a tattoo that really tells the whole world “I’ve got a big tattoo of a cross on the back of my neck”.
Some tasteful dog paws on your tits
Girls, do you ever peer down at your priceless orbs and think there’s something missing? Possibly a big drawing of a snake, a giant pocket, a red rose or some animal paw prints? If the answer to both of those questions was ‘yes’ you should leave work immediately and go to a tattoo parlour, point to your boobs and tell them to start drawing.
Just get the whole arm done
Back in the olden days people would amass tattoos over a lifetime and each one would tell its own story about an amazing adventure or a great love affair or a long stretch in chokey. It was a very time-consuming process, but thankfully you can now skip the whole life experience bit and get yourself a sleeve of artwork like Mario from TOWIE who’s as cool as a cucumber that’s been on a holiday to the Ice City of Antarctica.
An inspiring quote on your forearm
If you’re prone to moments of boredom or self-doubt it’s a good idea to pop an inspirational quote on the underside of your arm for a little lift when you’re doing a sit-down wee or if you’re about to deliver a big important speech at a conference. Allow it to inspire you, to seep into your heart. Go for something beautiful by one of the great philosophers like Aristotle or Bob Marley or Miley Cyrus’s favourite, Theodore Roosevelt.
Your entire arse wallpapered
This is a fairly new trend pioneered by the writer and actress Cheryl Cole and it’s called “wallpapering”. It takes from two great traditions, that of putting flowery wallpaper up in your home to make people feel like they’re in a country garden, and that of having your entire arse covered in cool tattoos to impress your friends and family.
Some massive wings on your back
If you want to get a discreet tat that won’t get you in trouble at work you basically have three options: some barbed wire around the top of your arm, a Chinese symbol of love on your elbow, or get a guy to draw some enormous wings on your back. They allude to the story of Icarus who flew too close to the sun and then died. The message is something about hope, or humility. Or it might be something else, literally no one has ever analysed the story of Icarus.
A thing around your eye
This is only really an option if you’ve run out of body areas and need to get cracking on your face. At one time it was considered very beautiful to have a spiders web all over your head, but now people like to be even more demure with a tribal pattern around their eye socket.
A regretful picture of something you’ve done wrong on the side of your neck
In a very literal interpretation of art imitating life the American singer Chris Brown has the face of a swollen beauty on his neck to remind himself of his most unforgivable act. Apparently he also has a tattoo of the time he went to get this particular tattoo tattooed on his neck on the palm of his hand to remind himself of what a mistake THAT was too. I’M KIDDING, I’M KIDDING.
Okay, so any more for any more?