Including my first ever girlfriend (in a way)
For years a war has raged about which comic book publishing house is the best out of Marvel and DC. DC with Superman and Batman, Marvel with basically everyone else. Let’s make this one short: Marvel wins. And after decades of research I think I know who the best superheroes are too. Read on, sweet prince/princess/just a person…
Aurora (Alpha Flight)
When I first met Aurora I was a seven year old boy with a weird did-it-myself hairstyle and she was a drawing of a French Canadian chick who obviously had boobs, and I noticed her boobs and there were boobs and I was confused by the boobs and she could fly. We fell in love immediately. Interestingly her twin brother Northstar was the first openly gay superhero. I have gay friends. That could be my IN.
Each night before I went to sleep I’d look up at the massive poster of Daredevil on my wall and I’d do a kind of superhero salute as if we were somehow brethren. Sadly I knew deep down that if I ever really came face to face with the blind Kung Fu expert he’d probably playfully rabbit punch my solar plexus and I’d die immediately.
Not a conventional superhero, Power Man would turn up to world-needs-saving situations wearing a casual yellow blouse unbuttoned to the waist, some unbelievably tight jeggings and a tiara to match his belt and his bangle. It would be like being pounded into a bloody pulp and beaten shitless by Prince. His partner was called Iron Fist. No comment.
Basically the story goes that an old sailor had sex with an underwater princess and then nine months later the Sub-Mariner oozed gracefully from her vagina at a hospital in the ocean kingdom of Atlantis. He then wowed Planet Earth with his bizarre powers and his fish-skin underpants which presumably made his genitals smell absolutely adorable.
She-Hulk (The Fantastic Four)
Everyone knows about the guy-Hulk, he goes from nerdy doctor to angry fat monster if anyone ever disagrees with him, even very very slightly about something completely inconsequential on an extremely remote level. He’s a bit oversensitive. She-Hulk is essentially the same only she develops Jessica Rabbit curves and a husky Mariella Frostrup voice.
Puck (Alpha Flight)
Puck was probably my favourite comic book character from 1984-1986 and I put that down to him being about the same height as I was at the time, clocking it at a sexy 3 foot 7 inches tall. His superpower was basically being really good at PE, and he had a hair trigger temper that made Wolverine look like Miss Marple.
Ah man the X-Men were the coolest. You had Colossus, Storm, Sideburns, One-Eye, Temper Tantrum, Bald Wheelchair Man, Think Tank, Laughing Boy, Strop Face, Numpty, Sheeba, Tobin, Gaviscon and Octopus Hands. My favourite was Nightcrawler who was navy blue and could teleport from one side of any room to the other, which I always thought would be very useful generally in life.
Like literally every kid in Great Britain I once owned a Paul Daniel’s magic kit and would parade around with a white-tipped wand thinking I looked mysterious and alluring to girls when really I just looked like a toddler Ian Beale in a cape. Unlike Doctor Strange who was a former neurosurgeon turned sorcerer – he resembled a magician George Clooney. KA-CHISS!
The best character on Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends, a former X-Man, I used to spend hours sitting in my bedroom roaring with laughter at the prospect of Iceman and Storm ever getting together. Her with her ability to create thunder and lightening, him freezing water left right and centre – they’d make hilarious weather conditions! ABSOLUTELY BONKERS! HA HA HA! TOO FUNNY! I was a lonely child.
You all know this superhero. He’s based on the trillionaire lunatic Howard Hughes, he’s represented in film by the former wild child Robert Downey Jr, he’s both a walking talking Weapon of Mass Destruction and a Weapon of Mass Seduction… in that he likes to fight first and then have some enthusiastic just-killed-a-guy sex with chicks afterwards.
Any more for any more?