Including one with this old thing in it
I’ve already listed the first 25 in no particular order, now here’s the rest of them making up the Top 50 movies of all time… that I’ve seen. Feel very free to get absolutely furious and shout and me in the comments section. Or tell me how much you agree with me. Or just read it and then say nothing. It’s your life.
Christian Slater pretends to be Jack Nicholson and Winona Ryder’s eyes get gradually more anxious and melancholic, until the final scene where her eyelids actually storm off in a strop. The quintessential high school experience.
Rear Window (1954)
Jimmy Stewart takes his trousers off and spies on his neighbours, and then some really weird shit starts going down. Stewart’s best Hitchcock movie unless you count Vertigo which might actually be a fraction better. I don’t know, I haven’t thought this through.
Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
Before he started bellowing his lines at the very top of his range, Al Pacino was a subtle, arresting actor. Never more so than in this tale of a bumbling crook who just wants his gay boyfriend to lose the cock and get some nice tits done.
From the ages of 12 to 36 onwards I swore to anyone who asked that Fletch was the greatest movie ever made. In reality it’s not, I was probably being ironic at the time which would have been obvious to anyone with half a brain because I was wearing a stone washed denim jacket and smoking an enormous pipe when I said it.
Mo Better Blues (1990)
I wear shit like cardigans and glasses so of course I love jazz. It’s what I do on a Sunday, I stick on some jazz and get my roast on. That means any movie about jazz is alright by me, and this, by Spike Lee, is my fave. It’s got Denzel Washington in it. He’s good isn’t he?
The downside to Anchorman is that loads of people went out and bought T-shirts saying stuff like “Two Tickets to The Gun Show” or “Fuck off San Diego!” on them and it ruptured part of my brain. It was like an overdose of funny stuff. The upside is that it’s especially hilarious, particularly during the bit where he’s got a carton of milk on the go and he suddenly shrieks “why the fuck did I buy milk?”
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)
This isn’t me being arch, I genuinely adore this kind of trash. For those who haven’t had the pleasure it’s a Russ Meyer romp about a girl band with one thing in common. Well, two if you count the one on the left.
Big Wednesday (1978)
The best movie about surfing you will ever see. And that’s from someone who has no actual interest in surfing beyond thinking it looks quite pretty. I haven’t sold this at all well have I? I’ll start again… watch this film.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Not the one where Johnny Depp pretends to be Michael Jackson, the other one where Gene Wilder has a bubble perm and genuine rage issues. The best kids movie ever made. Although that Charlie’s a bit of a dick.
Arnie greets and old pal with a handshake that turns into an arm wrestle and later on everyone wonders what has got Billy so spooked.
Sweet Smell of Success (1957)
Like most other people the minute something comes on in black and white I start throwing bricks at the telly to make it go away. Not this though. It’s got Tony Curtis, Burt Lancaster, people trading insults like they were something you’d use in a clever metaphor about trading things. It’s some good shit, yo.
Groundhog Day (1993)
Wouldn’t it be beautiful and fitting if I said something about loving this movie so much that I watched it day after day for ever? Yeah, well fuck you, that didn’t happen. Although I have watched it about four times.
This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
Fans of this film always have their own favourite bit, like the amplifier that goes to eleven, or the scene with the massive ham and the small bread, or Stone Henge, or Smell the Glove, or Shit Sandwich, or the airport scene with the cucumber. I like it when they all have cold sores.
The Shining (1980)
I don’t like scaring myself because I’m a fragile buttercup, but I can’t not include this, it’s got all the ingredients you need to terrify me: weird butlers, actresses with insane eyes, hotels with no room service, a boy with a talking finger. Oh yeah, and dead kids.
Do the Right Thing (1989)
This is how I imagine every day in New York to be. Start nice and hot, everyone’s ordering pizza, end with a massive riot and a murder. Lovely.
City of God (2002)
This is how I imagine every day in Rio to be. Start with a dip in the sea, everyone’s enjoying some drugs, end with a huge party and some murders. Lovely.
This is how I imagine every day in Tokyo to be. Start with some kind of apocalypse, ride around on motorbikes and do psychic stuff, end with a few massive explosions. Lovely.
True Romance (1993)
This is how I imagine every day in Detroit to be. Actually no, I’m going to stop this now. It’s childish. Great film this, and what a cast: Slater, Pitt, Oldman, Kilmer, Arquette, Balki from Perfect Strangers, Pitt the younger, L Jackson, Walken. Hopper smoking the crackliest cigarette of all time. Loads of other people.
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)
Before Keanu Reeves became the star of the Matrix comedies, he was one half of two thickies traveling through time in a phone box. It was between this and Back to The Future. I think I’ve probably made the wrong choice. Can I change it? No, apparently I can’t change it.
Beat Street (1984)
No real plot, dreadful acting, hip hop MCs literally going “rap-ti-rap-rap-ti-rap-ti-rap rap” or “um… rappity-rap rap… rappity-rap… MOTHERFUCKERS!” and yet there’s a corner of my heart that beats loud and fast for this film.
The Lost Boys (1987)
Hey kids you can take your Twilight Sagas and stick em. This is what a real vampire movie should look like. Dark, sinister, mullets everywhere, a guy playing sax with his top off and his body slathered in Johnson’s Baby Oil. Everyone called Corey something.
School of Rock (2003)
Say what you like about Jack Black and how annoying you probably find him, but I love him in this. At the end when they absolutely rule at the Battle of the Bands I punch the air and burst into tears every damn time. Gah, I should probably have said SPOILER ALERT just then.
The Thing (1982)
1982 was a legendary year for movies: Blade Runner, First Blood, Diner, E.T, Conan the Barbarian, 48 Hours, Sophie’s Choice, Porky’s, Cat People, Annie, Rocky III, Tron, Firefox starring Clint Eastwood, Grease 2, The Dark Crystal, Tootsie, Poltergeist, Airplane II, and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. What a year! Amazing! And this is the best of the bunch. Kurt Russell has never been more bearded.
Bugsy Malone (1976)
You’d probably flick past Bugsy Malone thinking “it’s a bunch of kids, what do they know about gangster movies?” and more fool you, friend. More fool you. These so-called “kids” can act the shit out of stuff, and if you imagine for a second that those splurge guns are real and that the cream is actually blood and guts, suddenly this becomes the most violent movie ever made.
Now, any more for any more?