10 things that are just stupid, man

Published: 20th Mar, 2013

Hi Guys! Off to write some more poetry?…

I’ve often made the point that writing about stuff you hate is lazy and a bit like shooting fish in a barrel, but fuck it, LET’S SHOOT SOME FISH! It’s March, everyone’s horny, here’s a quick list of things that I think are really stupid, all of them backed up with really flimsy reasons that definitely wouldn’t stand up to any kind of questioning or even the remotest casual cross examination from a toddler…

Not knowing what I’m doing
Dude, I’m just going with the flow. Little impression of me in the 20s there. Gah, I was so handsome and carefree. You didn’t need plans then, life was a thrilling lucky dip of amazing opportunities and a technicolour rollercoaster of adventures. Unfortunately I’m in my late 20s/early-mid-late 30s now and unpredictable shit makes my brain twitch. What? Anything could happen? That means I could DIE. Little impression of me now there.

Jargon
I love working in offices, but sometimes I don’t know what you guys are talking about. I’m suddenly sitting in a concentric circle being told about things CASCADING or ELEVATING, someone’s just asked me if I have any LEARNINGS, and there’s a lady who seems to only talk in letters. I barely know who I am any more. Is the world running away from me? Am I running away from it? I don’t know man. Let’s all percolate and marinate ourselves.

Politics
Comedians, stop saying stuff like “David Cameron…” or “that Nick Clegg” or “so, hey, has anyone noticed that whenever Ed Milliband blah blah…” NO I HAVEN’T NOTICED. That’s because whenever David Cameron or Nick Clegg or Ed Miliband do anything ever, I instantly get confused and do something else instead. Those guys are so anodyne, man. Is anodyne a word? Yeah, let’s all say anodyne. Hey, and people on Twitter and Facebook, I love you guys, and I adore it when you do your funny jokes or say something arch about a glass of wine, but I like it much less when you say political shit about politics.

The Weather
Ah man, the weather’s a dick! What’s going on with that guy? Seriously yeah. Jeez. It’s supposed to be Spring, I don’t know about you but my body is in peak condition right now, but look at me, I’m all wrapped up like an adonis smeared in butter wearing a wooly jumper. Boo, weather! Boo!

Rock stars pretending to be tough
Hey rock stars, stop pretending to be hard: you write poems and then SING them!

Socialising with “new people”
Sorry new people, you’re going to have to get the hell out of my face. You’ve got a nice smile and I like the way you said  “hi I’m so and so” and grabbed my hand or kissed my face. You’re unbelievably friendly. Problem is I haven’t got time for this bullshit, I’m halfway through my life AT LEAST, and I’m having real genuine issues keeping track of the people I’ve already met. They’re proven, I like them, so don’t take this the wrong way, but shit off. (Unless you can aid my personal/professional development in some way)

Most other people who look like me
I look like your bog-standard dickhead. I have a beard. I wear plastic rimmed glasses. As I write this I’m wearing cord trousers, a yellow cardigan, and a Miles Davis T-shirt. I have around three tweed jackets. My only redeeming feature is that I know I’m a twat. It’s the people who look like me but don’t realise they’re dicks, they’re the problem.

Bond films
James Bond! Shut up about James Bond. James Bond’s an arsehole. If you met him in real life he’d pout at your girlfriend in a bar and say “I’m Bond, James Bond” and then shake your hand without bothering with eye contact. Later on he’d probably snap your neck for no apparent reason and then have it off with your woman just for sport. See? He’s basically a city boy.

John Updike Books
I don’t like John Updike. He’s over-descriptive like silly monkey and explains things too much.

Speaking out loud
Fucking hell, speaking out loud to people is the worst. And when I say that I don’t mean the kind of speaking out loud you might do in a social setting like a pub or on a balcony, I mean the kind of speaking out loud that’s thrust upon you in formal situations because you’re contractually obliged to speak, and it must be delivered in a way that suggests you are totally at ease and know exactly what you’re talking about. As you may have gathered, I veer into yammering car crash territory whenever called upon to be breezy.

Has anyone else got a problem with stuff they want to share? Come on, let’s share. Let it all out. That’s it. Go on. That’s better. etc… etc…

Josh Burt
About the author:
Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

One Response to 10 things that are just stupid, man

  1. Mids says:

    Private numbers on your car that spell your name badly, like V70BY. Yeah, you know who you are.

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