Put it in your mouth
No one actually wants to eat fruit, especially when the world is full of things like sweets and crisps, but did you know that fruit is delicious? It’s true. In olden times, fruit WAS sweets, it was a treat that everyone could enjoy from prince to pauper, from old man to little Timmy with soot in his eyes because he’s either a chimney sweep or a transexual. A lovely story that leads seamlessly to the greatest ever fruits, all of which would go into my five-a-day if I could be bothered with that kind of healthy eating bullshit.
Mangoes are nice as fuck. First discovered thousands of centuries ago somewhere in South East Asia, presumably at a Full Moon Party or just off the coast of Ko Pha Ngan, you probably know these guys better from the tiger scene in Apocalypse Now or from the relentlessly wonderful cooking of Shelina on Masterchef. But seriously, you have to try this shit. The texture’s like a really weird potato, and it tastes a bit like a lemon dipped in liquid sugar.
Ah yeah, pears. Pears are amazing. They’re basically apples with hips, they were invented by the Romans, and back in the olden times they’d have served these at Emperor Caligula’s wild straight sex and gay bumming parties. That makes them both historical and sexy. Plus they’re delicious. If I had to describe the taste of a pear I’d waft my nose a bit and then say it tastes exactly like a female apple with perfume on. You can poach these, you can probably fry them, if you want to put one in the oven don’t think about it, just put it in the oven.
Satsumas (not to be confused with oranges)
Now that we have supermarkets and cookery programs and money literally spilling from our pockets and onto the pavement as we walk to work, demand has influenced supply to the point where there are about a million different kinds of orange to choose from. Madarins, tangerines, actual oranges, slices of oranges, kumquats, apricots, dried apricots. Dried slices of kumquats. But the best of all the oranges is the satsuma. Ideally it should be three times the size of a table tennis ball but not nearly quite so round and much more orange. Unless the table tennis ball you’re thinking of is also orange. In which case leave the colour.
You get two kinds of cherries. The ones that juvenile little kids like that are all shiny and pink and make you run around making car noises and punching things. They’re perfect for cocktails. Then you get the posh ones that you might serve with a slice of duck or a goose breast at one of your quarterly dinner parties. Sophisticats like them because you can pick them up individually using the mini-twig protruding from the cherry’s anus that’s probably called a stalk or a stem. But please, for heaven’s sake, don’t swallow the stones. Spit them onto the floor or into a roaring fire. You don’t want a cherry tree growing in your stomach.
You probably just said to yourself “What are nectarines again?” Well, allow me to nudge your memory. They’re the little things that aren’t plums or peaches. You know, the stuff with the stone in. If you have them when they’re too soft and squidgy you look like you’re performing a sex act on an apple. You know the guys. Anyway, I like to take these when they’re not quite ripe, so they’re a bit bitter and hard like a haggered old lady who absolutely hates you and everyone in the world like you. And yet she’s still delicious.
Hands up who’s had pineapples… okay so that’s about half of you. You’ll definitely recognise them because they look fucking ridiculous. They look like The Thing from the Fantastic Four wearing a jester’s hat made from leaves. Or they look like a really short, fat palm tree. But cut into one of these and triangulise it with a hunting knife or a bayonet and it will take you on the wildest ride of your life. So versatile you can even enjoy them with ice cream or on a cheese tomato and ham pizza!
Practically every sweet you’ve ever put into your mouth without thinking has been modeled on berries. They’re convenient, they’re always bite-size or less depending on the size of your bite, and they tend to come in all kinds of fun shapes and sizes like strawberry shape or raspberry shape, large size, medium size or small size. In the case of these berries, they come in blueberry shape and small size. I like them solely because they’re expensive, they’re blue, and the blurb on the side suggests that they’ll enable you to live well into your 120s.
I’ve got a weird relationship with strawberries in that if ever anyone offers me them I close my eyes and shout “NO!”, and yet when I eat them I think they’re the greatest thing I’ve ever reluctantly put in my mouth. I have no idea why this is, I don’t know if I had a traumatic childhood experience where I mistook some shit for a chocolate covered strawberry or what. I just know that if you ask me I hate them, but if you pin me down and force feed me them, at first I’ll be writhing around in pain and then the writhing will morph into the ecstatic kind of writhing that I usually save for when I’m definitely on my own for a bit.
One of my favourite ever reality TV moments came when someone on The Apprentice mused about how large and yellow his orange was while holding a grapefruit. Comedy like that doesn’t write itself. But that’s not the only reason I’ve added grapefruits to this list. I’ve added them because while absolutely revolting in their raw state, were you to sprinkle on a small fistful of brown sugar and toast that fucker up you’ve then got yourself a pretty darn decent breakfast, yo. And despite how this paragraph ended tone-wise there is nothing remotely street about a grapefruit.
Definitely not bananas
Figs and guavas are probably nice, but I’m not confident about what they are. I shan’t be going with lemons or limes – even though both are excellent in drinks, this list is of fruits you eat. One fruit I absolutely despise is banana. I hate the texture, I hate how people joke that they look like penises and yet they look nothing like my penis. They’re generally much smaller. So shall we go with apples? We should probably go with apples. Or grapes? Shall we go with grapes? Let’s go with grapes. Or melon? Shall we go with melon? Let’s go with melon. Or what about tomato? Is that a fruit? Can we go with tomato? Let’s go with tomato etc… (I’ve run out of fruit)
Now what did I miss?