10 Greatest Crisps of ALL TIME EVER

Published: 19th Feb, 2013

Aww, look at this guy, he’s nicking crisps!

skips

Very few foods suit every possible occasion. You’ve got rice, oranges, certain select cuts of beef, nice salads, the occasional chocolate bar, pizza, large watermelons, roast turkey, and crisps. All types of crisps, and in any formation. If you put them on a tray they’re canapés, if they’re in a bowl they’d make a lovely main course at a picnic. If you tear down the side of a packet and butterfly it open you’ve got romantic meal for two. Anyway here’s a list of the ten greatest crisps of all time…

Ready Salted Hula Hoops
A great crisp doesn’t need to be over-complicated with expensive ingredients like freshly chiselled mountain salt or evaporated essence of beef, it can be nice and simple. Look at Hula Hoops: they’re salty, they’re cylindrical like tyres or rolled-up carpets, and if you wear them on your fingers they make for hilarious comedy props. The ultimate snack.

Cheese and Onion Walkers
In real life if you ate cheese with onions you’d run to the toilet dry puking, and yet put this nightmare combo together as a crisp flavour and you’ve got a match made in heaven. It’s a mystery that literally no one will ever solve.

Wotsits
Because of the orangeness and the fact that they are shaped like small penises, some people have an aversion to Wotsits. Those people are being very foolish, these are truly delightful.

Flame grilled Steak McCoy’s
Crisp aficionados swear by these. They’ve got crinkles in them which scientists will tell you do something astonishing to the area of your brain responsible for detecting crunchiness, and because you’re essentially dealing with a crisp full of microscopic ditches, they taste stronger. They’re nice. They make you feel happy like monkey.

Frazzles
For sheer artistic excellence these are magnificent. They look like actual rashers of bacon, and yet somehow they’re crisps. That’s some mind-boggling Heston Blumenthal shit, motherfucker! I should probably point out that contrary to the weird tone I just adopted, there is nothing remotely street about eating these.

Pickled Onion Monster Munch
If you’ve ever had a weeping mouth ulcer you’ll know all about the stark pleasure/pain divide that comes from pressing down on it with a Pickled Onion Monster Munch. It’s like there’s an S&M sex party going on in your mouth.

Skips
Whenever a food show judge boasts that something is melting in their mouth, I immediately presume they’re eating a Skip. They’re light as a feather and Marks and Spencers actually do a fantastic version of these in their “Prawn Cocktail Flavour Crisps” aisle. What shape are they though? Are they supposed to be flowers?

Salt and Vinegar Walkers
I have a similar thing with Salt and Vinegar Walkers as I do with Corn Flakes. I spend most of my life slagging them off behind their backs, then once in a while I’ll get lumbered with them and undergo a wild renaissance. I LOVE THEM, they’re so delicious, blah blah blah yada yada yada bleurgh bleurgh bleurgh la la la etc…

Quavers
Sniff these and they smell like bad feet, touch them and they feel like mummified skin. Yet pop one of these in your mouth and you’ll go on a magic carpet ride through all of the best emotions – first joy, then happiness, then joy again, some more joy, a bit more happiness. Joy. Possibly some laughter. Joy again.

Lightly Salted Kettle Chips
Allocating the final slot in this list was an impossible task, akin to Sophie’s Choice but more devastating. I thought about my love of Nik Naks, and then Space Raiders. I wondered about Spicy Tomato Snaps. Pringles. And then I remembered how sophisticated I’ve become, and how sometimes I like to eat Kettle Chips. I’m a bit like His Majesty Price Charles.

Now what did I miss?

Josh Burt
About the author:
Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

8 Responses to 10 Greatest Crisps of ALL TIME EVER

  1. Monster Muncher says:

    Disappointingly, you’ve chosen the wrong image to accompany the excellent choice of pickled onion Monster Munch. They’ve only retained their former playground glory recently, with new branding etc.

    A little history;

    Monster Munch were, quite frankly, an AWESOME snack in the late 80’s / early 90’s (when managed by a company called ‘Smiths’).

    Their mid-90’s rebranding, coupled with the move across to the trendier ‘foil wrapped’ snack, was basically a disaster (thanks, Walkers!). Gone were roast beef, smokey bacon and any discernable flavour, replaced with smaller, pathetic, depressed looking tragedies with silly flavour names (spaghetti sauce, anyone?)

    It was only recently that they went back to basics – huge crisps, huge flavour and a complete reversal of fortunes. Though smokey bacon is still stuck in the annals of history, the new holy trinity of roast beef (a personal favourite), flamin’ hot, and of course the inimitable pickled onion, are all fantastic variations of this classic snack.

    Rarely now do I enter a cornershop or newsagent (the posh name for a cornershop that isn’t actually geographically based on a corner) without purchasing one of these treats.

    I’ve noticed they also now come in 99p grab bag, literally a mind boggling boggling achievement. Well done.

  2. Al says:

    Umm, a tricky choice and I’m afraid I can only agree with 2 of Interestment’s choices this around… those being pickled onion monster munch and hula hoops. My other 2 would have to be a simple packet of walkers ready salted and cheesy wotsits. Cheesy Quavers are also good if you’re on a diet, but still need that daily fix of crisps and we all need that don’t we?

  3. forty-forty five says:

    Um, you are bang on about Blank Hula Hoops – the true king of the crisp world. However, i would’ve substituted the Pickled Onion Munch for Salt and Vinegar Walkers MAX. It’s a terryfyingly vinegary hit that is literally making me drool over my laptop just thinking about it…

  4. Guest crisp lover says:

    I agree wholeheartedly with the crisp hit parade, but when I really want to hit the snacks hard, I always reach for Real McCoy S&V’s. The enjoyment is threefold: 1) They are quite manly so I always get impressed looks from surrounding potential husbands, 2) You can snap each little “corrugation” off piece by piece, almost like a little salty 4 finger kit kat and 3) They taste effing fantastic when dipped in a pint. Fact!
    Big love to all the crisp eaters out there!

  5. Mark says:

    Mr Interestment. As much as I hate to call you on stuff – I would just like to point out the following:

    Space Raiders. The cheapest crisp around and more bang for your buck than any other crisp out there.

    Salt and vinegar discos. Saltier than the oldest of sea dogs and more vinegary than a very vinegary thing, this is the king of a salt and vinegar crisp – and you DON’T HAVE A SALT AND VINEGAR CRISP IN YOUR TOP 4 – HAVE YOU GONE INSANE??!!

    NIche I know – but the scampi fries are worth an honourable mention….

  6. josh josh says:

    Mark, I agree, not going with a Salt and Vinegar option was a BIG RISK, but I felt that pickled onion was an equally acidic flavour, and probably a fraction nicer. It was close. Very close.

    Scampi Fries have already triumphed as our top SMELLY SNACK, but didn’t get anywhere near the top four here. They smell too much like an imaginary brothel.

  7. Mark says:

    Dude.

    Space Raiders. When you ABSOLUTELY had to have a bag of crisps, but you only had shrapnel in your pocket…;.

    Also – Salt n Vinegar square crisps

    Do Pringles count?

    Personally I go with the brown packeted (barbecue?) Hula Hoops and Worcestershire Sauce Walkers.

    I think you should also do the 10 worst crisps – you can have the Walkers Sensations, those poxy Snack a jacks and any crisps that are “baked” for a starter….

  8. Nathan says:

    I think this seagull speaks for many by reminding us of the power of the corn snack!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kqy9hxhUxK0

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