Aww, look at this guy, he’s nicking crisps!
Very few foods suit every possible occasion. You’ve got rice, oranges, certain select cuts of beef, nice salads, the occasional chocolate bar, pizza, large watermelons, roast turkey, and crisps. All types of crisps, and in any formation. If you put them on a tray they’re canapés, if they’re in a bowl they’d make a lovely main course at a picnic. If you tear down the side of a packet and butterfly it open you’ve got romantic meal for two. Anyway here’s a list of the ten greatest crisps of all time…
Ready Salted Hula Hoops
A great crisp doesn’t need to be over-complicated with expensive ingredients like freshly chiselled mountain salt or evaporated essence of beef, it can be nice and simple. Look at Hula Hoops: they’re salty, they’re cylindrical like tyres or rolled-up carpets, and if you wear them on your fingers they make for hilarious comedy props. The ultimate snack.
Cheese and Onion Walkers
In real life if you ate cheese with onions you’d run to the toilet dry puking, and yet put this nightmare combo together as a crisp flavour and you’ve got a match made in heaven. It’s a mystery that literally no one will ever solve.
Because of the orangeness and the fact that they are shaped like small penises, some people have an aversion to Wotsits. Those people are being very foolish, these are truly delightful.
Flame grilled Steak McCoy’s
Crisp aficionados swear by these. They’ve got crinkles in them which scientists will tell you do something astonishing to the area of your brain responsible for detecting crunchiness, and because you’re essentially dealing with a crisp full of microscopic ditches, they taste stronger. They’re nice. They make you feel happy like monkey.
For sheer artistic excellence these are magnificent. They look like actual rashers of bacon, and yet somehow they’re crisps. That’s some mind-boggling Heston Blumenthal shit, motherfucker! I should probably point out that contrary to the weird tone I just adopted, there is nothing remotely street about eating these.
Pickled Onion Monster Munch
If you’ve ever had a weeping mouth ulcer you’ll know all about the stark pleasure/pain divide that comes from pressing down on it with a Pickled Onion Monster Munch. It’s like there’s an S&M sex party going on in your mouth.
Whenever a food show judge boasts that something is melting in their mouth, I immediately presume they’re eating a Skip. They’re light as a feather and Marks and Spencers actually do a fantastic version of these in their “Prawn Cocktail Flavour Crisps” aisle. What shape are they though? Are they supposed to be flowers?
Salt and Vinegar Walkers
I have a similar thing with Salt and Vinegar Walkers as I do with Corn Flakes. I spend most of my life slagging them off behind their backs, then once in a while I’ll get lumbered with them and undergo a wild renaissance. I LOVE THEM, they’re so delicious, blah blah blah yada yada yada bleurgh bleurgh bleurgh la la la etc…
Sniff these and they smell like bad feet, touch them and they feel like mummified skin. Yet pop one of these in your mouth and you’ll go on a magic carpet ride through all of the best emotions – first joy, then happiness, then joy again, some more joy, a bit more happiness. Joy. Possibly some laughter. Joy again.
Lightly Salted Kettle Chips
Allocating the final slot in this list was an impossible task, akin to Sophie’s Choice but more devastating. I thought about my love of Nik Naks, and then Space Raiders. I wondered about Spicy Tomato Snaps. Pringles. And then I remembered how sophisticated I’ve become, and how sometimes I like to eat Kettle Chips. I’m a bit like His Majesty Price Charles.
Now what did I miss?