Yes, including one by this old romantic

It’s Valentine’s Day, YES! Or perhaps NOOOOO! if you’re feeling alone and haven’t got a special someone in your life right now. You might be nursing a broken heart, you might be in the first throws of a beautiful relationship when you just can’t stop having rampant sex with each other, you might be enjoying the sturdy reliability of a nice marriage. Whichever way, there’s a love song out there for you, and it might just be one of these ten wonderful treats. Have a great day everyone, and don’t forget to trim your pubes down to practically nothing…

Je Vous Aime (I Love You), Donny Hathaway

The lesson here, from the greatest singer of all time, is that even in a relationship that’s been trundling along like a steam boat for years you can still be romantic if you say sexy things to each other in French. It totally works. We’ve had our ups and downs, explains Donny, but the important thing is that je vous aime… which means I LOVE YOU. It’s the kind of thing they say to each other in Paris or La Rochelle, before proceeding to the bedroom or living room floor to make enthusiastic and mind boggling love to one another. Wow, did anyone else’s heart literally just explode?

How Could You Break My Heart, Bobby Womack

On an intense-o-metre few emotions reach the dizzying levels of the anger and frustration that comes with having your heart trampled on by a beautiful woman. That kind of emotion hits around level 9 (with 10 being the maximum possible level of intensity). Yeah, it’s really intense. Just ask the great Robert Womack, who uses his grit-gargled sandpaper voice to maximum effect as he basically shouts at some cruel cow for dumping him. He’s swimming in a sea of outrage and sadness, the poor bastard.

Make Me The Woman You Go Home To, Gladys Knight and the Pips

We’ve all been there, feeling alone but in a relationship, frustrated because the apple of your eye appears to be blowing hot and cold. And hot. And cold. And hot. And cold. And hot. And cold. And hot. And cold. And hot. And cold. And hot. And cold. You probably get the gist. Anyway, here’s the wonderful soul singer Gladys Knight explaining to a guy that if he calms down a bit she’ll do most of his chores for him. Seriously though (removes red nose) few songs match this is terms of raw emotion.

Love and Affection, Joan Armatrading

Joan Armatrading is a member of the thriving lesbian community, so at a grass roots level this song is actually from one woman to another woman. She’s saying to that other woman “woo me girl, impress me, MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL”. There’s probably a coded message in there about touching orbs or rubbing strawberries. And why not? She’s Joan Armatrading – a beautiful, strong, independent lesbian. The great thing is that this song applies to any form of homosexual or heterosexual. It’s completely universal.

Thoughts of You, Dennis Wilson

You know how sometimes you love someone so damn much that it hurts you inside? Your stomach feels like a washing machine on a 35 degree quick wash , your brain’s doing mad backstroke, and the really shit bit is that you just can’t be together. Perhaps you row too much because your love is toxic like the one Britney Spears sings about, perhaps one of you is already sworn to another through the union of marriage. Perhaps one of you looks like Cindy Crawford at her peak and the other looks like Walter Matthau on his death bed. Whatever way, here’s the late great Dennis Wilson spewing up his insides with his music. This former Beach Boy is in absolute turmoil on this.

Why, Carly Simon

You probably know Carly Simon better as the lady with the cartoonishly large mouth who sang You’re So Vain about you, but this song is her real tour de force. It delves into the various mysteries of being in love, most specifically focusing on the painful nature of being hung up on someone who’s a bit of a prick. So if you’re hung up on a prick, this will sing to your very soul. You may also like to note that the video for this is unbelievably bad.

Return of the Mack, Mark Morrison

Don’t be fooled by the bravado, this isn’t a triumphant gangster fanfare, it’s actually a heartfelt lament to a lost love. “You lied to me,” cries Morrison at one point, “even though you know I’d die for you.” He then says “ow” a lot. These aren’t weird trans-Atlantic affectations, they’re the sounds of a returning mack-daddy in genuine emotional pain. A fallen leader in expensive snake skin loafers, feeling fragile and alone but willing to fight for his love. If you’re feeling downhearted, allow Mark Morrison to inspire you and take you on a journey to better things.

PS I Love You, Curtis Mayfield

If you’re in a deep, loving, and wildly sexual relationship with someone you’ve known for many years – perhaps you started as friends and then became lovers when one of you removed your glasses and became immediately hot – this song was made for you. It features the finest falsetto in the history of music explaining to his woman that the underlying footnote to their very existence takes the form of a burning flame of love that will probably never go out. Awww.

Rock With You, Michael Jackson

It’s fair to say that when it comes to the ladies, Michael Jackson probably wasn’t the kind of guy who was going to fireman’s lift you up the stairs or take you to heaven on a kitchen floor, but he knew his strengths. He knew he could obliterate the competition on the dance floor. Hence this song, which is basically about Jacko relentlessly pelvic thrusting the space directly in front of a girl for three or four long, possibly awkward minutes.

Lady Friend, The Byrds

Not the most confident love song you’ll ever hear, but one of the best. The Byrds might have been hippies from the pot smoking threesome generation, but this song plunges into the murky depths of paranoid human emotion, as they harmonise about a really nice girl who probably wants to dump them. I mean, why wouldn’t she? She’s all beautiful and painted with flowers, they’re trampy longhairs with beards. Although, granted, she’s probably got hairy armpits and a pubic region like a blacksmith’s apron because it’s the 1960s and personal maintenance was not top of anyone’s social agenda. Swings and roundabouts really isn’t it? I don’t know where I’m going with this. Sorry.

Any more for any more…