Only one includes this old chestnut…
Right, check your watch – it’s either 1am, or 2am. You’re not sure because it’s not digital, a police car just zapped past making one hell of a racket, and you’re concentrating on urinating against a wall without falling over. You may or may not have just shouted “FUCK OFF” at the top of your voice. It’s so hard to remember. God you’re good looking. The girls were all going wild for you tonight – so wild that they became tongue tied and had to move away from you whenever you decided to turn on the charm. If they’d stayed, they’d have only fallen in love, and love is a dangerous game. You know what you need? Food. Really nice fucking food. You’re hungry, you’re great looking, you’ve just done a piss. Come on, let’s go and grab a menu.
The top four post-pub feasts should look something like this…
1. Large Chicken Shish
Even with the muddled haze of a few strong ones clouding your mind, making it impossible to punctuate between words, you know that you didn’t join that gym for nothing. You’re a health nut, you care about your body. Hence, it’s time to wow everyone in the kebab shop by asking the nice friendly man behind the counter for the healthiest thing they have – a Chicken Shish. You’ve got the fresh chicken that’s awash with healthy oxidants and minerals after sweating on a skewer in the counter for three days, vitamins from the pitta, and then, of course, your five-a-day – onion, tomato, lettuce, chili sauce, mayonnaise. Chips. All washed down with something alcoholic you found in the fridge. Delicious. Now go and have a wank.
2. Sweet and Sour Pork Balls
Should you be lucky enough to have a nice Chinese takeaway nearby, stumble in and loudly demand some pork balls in batter with a side dish of molten red dipping sauce. Normally you might go for something sophisticated like noodles or some chargrilled duck vaginas. But none of your haute cuisine here sister – it’s nighttime, your head’s pounding like you wouldn’t believe, at this stage of the evening you’d be much classier throwing bite sized canapes into your mouth, and they just don’t come any better than this. Connoisseurs of late night pork balls will tell you that the ideal accompaniment is a cold can of Coke, but you might be happier forcing them down with some wine in a pint glass. Your choice.
3. Large Meat Feast Pizza
There are levels of drunk, which can dictate what you might have to eat. Should you be desperately drunk, careering down the pavement, nose almost touching the floor, go for options 1 or 2. But if you have time, and a debonaire hint of sobriety on your side, you might want to head home and casually get on the blower to order a pizza. Now remember, you’re really hungry, so you should probably go for the biggest size they have – it’s also a show of financial strength that people who work in pizzerias ADORE – but get it on a thin crust, because you don’t want to spend the rest of the night legging it to the toilet to slowly regurgitate bits of dough into the sink. Plus, you should probably stock up on protein, so go for the loads of meat option. Timed correctly, eating one of these can be the greatest experience of your life.
4. Meat and Chips
That’s right, doner meat and chips. By far the most humiliating meal you will ever order. But one of the best. So ignore the disparaging looks from kebab shop locals who wouldn’t even stoop so low, and just get on with it. In many ways, this is like a tramp’s shepherd’s pie, with the potato and the meat. Plus, you get the added bonus of being able to eat it by the fistful, whilst simultaneously enjoying the comfort of a double seat on an otherwise crowded bus. It’s an unwritten rule that you are only allowed to consume one of these a year. Make it count.