Interestment’s Top Four: Post-pub feasts

Published: 25th Nov, 2012

Only one includes this old chestnut…

Doner kebab

Right, check your watch – it’s either 1am, or 2am. You’re not sure because it’s not digital, a police car just zapped past making one hell of a racket, and you’re concentrating on urinating against a wall without falling over. You may or may not have just shouted “FUCK OFF” at the top of your voice. It’s so hard to remember. God you’re good looking. The girls were all going wild for you tonight – so wild that they became tongue tied and had to move away from you whenever you decided to turn on the charm. If they’d stayed, they’d have only fallen in love, and love is a dangerous game. You know what you need? Food. Really nice fucking food. You’re hungry, you’re great looking, you’ve just done a piss. Come on, let’s go and grab a menu.

The top four post-pub feasts should look something like this…

1. Large Chicken Shish

Grilled Chicken Satay Skewers

Even with the muddled haze of a few strong ones clouding your mind, making it impossible to punctuate between words, you know that you didn’t join that gym for nothing. You’re a health nut, you care about your body. Hence, it’s time to wow everyone in the kebab shop by asking the nice friendly man behind the counter for the healthiest thing they have – a Chicken Shish. You’ve got the fresh chicken that’s awash with healthy oxidants and minerals after sweating on a skewer in the counter for three days, vitamins from the pitta, and then, of course, your five-a-day – onion, tomato, lettuce, chili sauce, mayonnaise. Chips. All washed down with something alcoholic you found in the fridge. Delicious. Now go and have a wank.

2. Sweet and Sour Pork Balls

pork balls

Should you be lucky enough to have a nice Chinese takeaway nearby, stumble in and loudly demand some pork balls in batter with a side dish of molten red dipping sauce. Normally you might go for something sophisticated like noodles or some chargrilled duck vaginas. But none of your haute cuisine here sister – it’s nighttime, your head’s pounding like you wouldn’t believe, at this stage of the evening you’d be much classier throwing bite sized canapes into your mouth, and they just don’t come any better than this. Connoisseurs of late night pork balls will tell you that the ideal accompaniment is a cold can of Coke, but you might be happier forcing them down with some wine in a pint glass. Your choice.

3. Large Meat Feast Pizza

Meat feast

There are levels of drunk, which can dictate what you might have to eat. Should you be desperately drunk, careering down the pavement, nose almost touching the floor, go for options 1 or 2. But if you have time, and a debonaire hint of sobriety on your side, you might want to head home and casually get on the blower to order a pizza. Now remember, you’re really hungry, so you should probably go for the biggest size they have – it’s also a show of financial strength that people who work in pizzerias ADORE – but get it on a thin crust, because you don’t want to spend the rest of the night legging it to the toilet to slowly regurgitate bits of dough into the sink. Plus, you should probably stock up on protein, so go for the loads of meat option. Timed correctly, eating one of these can be the greatest experience of your life.

4. Meat and Chips

Meat and chips

That’s right, doner meat and chips. By far the most humiliating meal you will ever order. But one of the best. So ignore the disparaging looks from kebab shop locals who wouldn’t even stoop so low, and just get on with it. In many ways, this is like a tramp’s shepherd’s pie, with the potato and the meat. Plus, you get the added bonus of being able to eat it by the fistful, whilst simultaneously enjoying the comfort of a double seat on an otherwise crowded bus. It’s an unwritten rule that you are only allowed to consume one of these a year. Make it count.

Josh Burt
About the author:

Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

7 Responses to Interestment’s Top Four: Post-pub feasts

  1. Spencer says:

    On #3 – If I’m a bit sober, I like to have a Sainsbury’s thin crust Hawaiian oven pizza. I know this sounds like a lazy Monday thing to eat, but I haven’t yet mentioned the Cholula hot sauce I put on EVERY bite. So good.

    On #4 – I didn’t realise this had a one-per-year limit. I haven’t yet had mine, thank God, but I also enjoy a chips, salad, hummous in pita, too, if I’m feeling vegetarian. Which is rare. I’ll usually go for #1 or a kofte.

    I think anyone attending Hip Hop Sam’s festivities tonight should report on which they chose tomorrow.

    Fantastic. ‘UGC’.

  2. Forty Forty Five says:

    This is bullshit Interestment

    where is the Zinger Tower Burger Meal? Or the West Indian Roti, with curried chicken AND Macaroni Cheese?

    Maybe do some research yeah?

  3. Neil says:

    What about a pizza which has been dropped, good side down, onto kebab shop floor then scooped back into box with fists?

  4. mustard says:

    DON’T MUG YOURSELF OFF INTERESTMENT – YOU’VE LEFT FRIED CHICKEN OUT????

  5. mustard says:

    and toast, what about toast?

  6. mustard says:

    and can you name me one chinese takeaway open after 11?

  7. lora says:

    As I sit at my desk in my high powered fashion job wearing the same clothes (apart from knickers that got a quick rinse in someones sink) that I wore on Saturday, I have the time to ponder the question, what is the best post pub grub ? It’s a question that I am probably qualified to answer.
    Although staring at these food photos is bringing on a nausea much like a fully hormoned charged 13 years old’s morning sickness, it’s a bit much and a bit early.
    At least now I’m in my thirties I can hold my drink and I owe that to the universal FACT that its not binge drinking if its during the day and you pay over the odds to drink out of a nice IKEA goblet, surrounded by wankers pushing around little Tatiana and Comquat in 3 wheeler pushchairs (pref in South London).

    If you are living on the edge like myself, you have to just go straight home and cook. If you don’t have at least 5 drunk cooking scars on your body, what have you been doing with your life ? seriously, go large or go home ( and get the deep fat fryer on )
    What else would be more sensible when you are seeing 2 of everything than to get to grips with some sharp tools, boiling hot water, get some fire involved and charge around the kitchen like Hagar the Horrible. Step one, turn on oven and all gas rings, boil the kettle, find a deep fat fryer switch that up to 11, throw the toaster in the bath. Next put your shoes in the fridge and take off every item of clothing because it’s really slowing you down. Open a bottle of Red Wine a little for the dish and a little for you.
    Add pasta, either to the kettle or deep fat fryer.
    Next leave everything on and go to bed and pass out for 10 hours.
    It’s that simples.

    I’m off to see my plastic surgeon….

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