Not including this imbecile…
Like the rest of the nation, we’ll be going jungle bonkers in a week or so when the latest “celebrities” hurl themselves out of helicopters in floods of tears, then spend a few weeks shouting at one another, wolfing down giant wombat cocks for plastic stars, and showering their breasts for hours in front of an unusually large crowd of sound-men. There have been some fine moments on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!. Here’s a list of the famous people who didn’t provide any of them…
Nell McAndrew sat silently around the communal fire, too frightened to speak, before being ushered away by Ant and Dec, and whispering “I’m sorry, I don’t know” directly into their ears in answer to every single question during a very subdued post-elimination interview. Three years later, she won Rear of the Year. Whilst eager photographers excitedly took snaps of her lovely bottom, she was looking blankly in the other direction, not a single thought in her mind.
Vic Reeves and Nancy Sorrell
How exciting it seemed to have a powerful celebrity couple bunking up in the jungle – him an actual comedian from the telly, her a sexy lingerie model with a plumber’s voice. Sadly, they proved to be a massive downer. He didn’t say anything funny, she didn’t fix the fridge in just her pants. And then, as if things couldn’t get any worse, the series was won by Vic Reeve’s comedy rival Joe Pasquale – which is a bit like losing to Kylie Minogue in a “who’s got a better penis?” competition.
A hunch suggests that even the bugs that live in the jungle – who are very perceptive – weren’t aware of Chris Bisson, so spent the majority of the time feasting on Anthony Worrall Thompson’s tasty corned-beef thighs instead. One of the younger members of the group that year, Chris was so gripped by celebrity stage fright that he spent most days nervously hiding behind a tree, occasionally whispering to his colleagues that he wasn’t going to finish his rice, or sprinting down to the small ravine at the bottom of the hill to projectile vomit into a water fall.
Notably, there was the time that Natalie touched a tree, and screamed “Arrrghhh! Sweet fucking hell! I just touched a fucking tree!” as if she’d just broken all Ten Commandments at the same time completely by accident. That was funny. But, for the most part, she was an unbearably spoilt little princess, who spent her entire experience hyperventilating because she thought she’d just seen a monkey raping another monkey in the shared toilets.
Football fans will have been frothing at the mouth with anticipation when it was announced that Razor Ruddock was going to be heading into the jungle. The half-beard, the protruding gut, the hilariousness. This was going to be brilliant. Unfortunately, it wasn’t brilliant. It was awful. He spent the whole show a single sneeze away from bricking someone to death, or bursting into floods of tears. He could have been the new Paul Ross.
This was supposed to be Dani Behr’s triumphant return to British screens, but instead she made all the impact of a dormouse with a tiny flick knife threatening to kick Dolph Lundgren’s head in. A shame.
Ah man, that Anthony Costa looks like a great laugh right? No man, you are way off. Anthony Costa proved to be the exact scientific definition of not a laugh. What was up with him? Was he missing his bandmates Lee, Paul, Keith and Ringo? Was he just homesick? Was he a bit thick? Whatever way, he spent his entire stay counting down the minutes before he could enjoy another Bowers/Gaffney triple decker sex sandwich in Movida. Six months after leaving the show, his debut album as a solo artist failed to chart, which is a travesty for a man who sings like an angel.
As with Myleene Klass a year previously, Gemma decided to take the opportunity to stand under natural jungle showers in a bikini for six hours every day, slowly massaging Asda shower gel into her large bosoms. However, in a slight twist from the times Klass did it, four cameramen with large gentlemanly erections didn’t immediately huddle around.