Some nice footballers who wouldn’t go with prozzies

Published: 1st Mar, 2012

A typical prostitute in a hotel room

Footballers, as a rule, feel that it’s their divine right to “smash” things. As the philosopher Richard Keys once pondered, you can barely even look at a girl these days without imagining Jamie Redknapp, or Wayne Rooney, or Ryan Giggs “hanging out the back of it”. All of which leads completely seamlessly to a short list of nice footballers who respect the sisterhood, and definitely wouldn’t pay for it. Feel free to add your own in the comments bit.

Theo Walcott – too polite. Possibly terrified by the sight of his own penis.

Kaka – too religious. He would only visit prostitutes to talk at great length about the path to redemption.

Sol Campbell – too sensitive. Sol has the look of a man who likes to curl up into a ball and weep joyfully after sex. Most professional sex workers wouldn’t tolerate that kind of bullshit.

Paul Scholes – too shy. It hardly requires a mountain of self-confidence to visit a hooker, but something about Paul Scholes suggests that he would even struggle to buy a grotty magazine without freaking out and sprinting home to shout at himself in the mirror.

James Milner – too focused. Were an opportunist hooker, accidentally on the right side of town, to have a crack at James Milner, she would be met with total bewilderment. He would be paying for WHAT now?

Petr Cech – too nice. Unlike most of the strutting peacocks in the Premier League, Cech seems like the kind of man who could be left alone with your wife/girlfriend without popping his dick out and pointing at it expectantly.

Owen Hargreaves – too injury prone. So unlucky, Owen Hargreaves can barely move without breaking something. Would rampant sex for money honestly be worth losing a testicle for?

Josh Burt
About the author:

Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

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