Not including this shouty bastard
If time machines were invented and you traveled back to the olden days, picked up a wealthy royal or nobleman and brought them back to the present, they’d honestly think that some weird Planet of the Apes shit had gone down. In their day, actors and musicians were fed on dung and kept in cages. And chefs – chefs were barely considered human. They were just scabby faced food monkeys, barely worth the piece of toilet paper their birth certificate was scrawled on. But now, they’re giants amongst men. Troubled geniuses. And here are four of the finest. The likes of Ramsey, Oliver, Blumenthal, the two Hells Angels, and those baking dicks didn’t even get a look in…
1. Marco Pierre White
Not just a chef, Pierre White is like a wise pot-bellied soothsayer, endlessly spouting Pagan slogans about Mother Nature, as he scatters flecks of cress over a nice dollop of sea bass. He’s quite a specimen – a man who tastes food from the business end of a large hunting knife, whilst prowling the kitchen in a Rambo bandana. At any given moment, he looks like he’d either strangle you without breaking eye contact, or give you a massive hug. The ultimate chef.
2. Anthony Bourdain
If you’ve seen his show, A Cook’s Tour, you’ll already be privy to the amazingness of Anthony Bourdain. He basically struts around war zones in a Ramones t-shirt looking for interesting meals, which tend to involve throwing back another beating cobra’s heart, or munching his way through any number of penis-looking objects. He smokes heavily, he drinks like a maniac, he’s the kind of guy who’d sleep with your woman then cook you a steak. He’s basically one up from an Alpha male.
3. Nigella Lawson
Not exactly down with the streets, Nigella comes from a world where it’s perfectly normal to have some star anise in your pocket, and a rail of cured meats dangling from most rooms in the house. At midnight, she might just nip downstairs to indulge in a couple of leftover porcini mushies on a saddle of focaccia which she baked while the kids were at Jazz dancing practice. But she has a few things in her favour. Firstly, she’s an absolutely magnificent woman. And secondly, she’s not Sophie Dahl.
4. Michel Roux Jr
There isn’t a kinder chef on television than Michel Roux Jr. In the opening credits for Masterchef: The Professionals, he looks terrifying, glaring at people from behind ovens, supping teaspoons from saucepans with his eyes bulging from his face like ping pong balls being pushed through a hosepipe. But, then he completely 180s everything you ever thought you knew about first impressions by being gentle, humble, and genuinely keen to help out younger chefs – most of whom can’t stop shaking. Lovely chap.