X Factor: At last, the back of the afro…

Published: 15th Nov, 2009

No more Jamie Archer…

back of afro

It was yet another big weekend for the X Factor, with Cowell still reeling from the John and Edward furore from last week. So much so that he kicked off Queen night by offering Sting out on live television (apparently, Sting had been slagging off the show). Or at least, challenging the former Police front-man to come in and meet the contestants. It would be an unlikely scenario to find Sting clearing a window in his diary to make that particular trip. After all, he’s got yoga in the morning, sweaty prolonged intercourse with his wife in the evening, then the entire middle of the day preening himself like a humungous singing twat. Props to Cowell for trying though. Elsewhere, we were treated to a masterclass from Cher pretending to be Brian May, and a boy whose voice hadn’t yet broken, dressed up to represent Roger Taylor – both surviving members of Queen. Then, in the second instalment, Shakira (below) popped in to show everyone how bendy she was. Sting would have loved that. Absolutely loved it. Anyway, the rest of proceedings went a bit like this…

Shakira

Jamie Afro kicked things off by explaining that when he sings a song, he means it – every damn word of it – before launching into Radio Ga Ga. “All we hear is Radio Ga Ga / Radio Goo Goo / Radio Ga Ga” he sang. And he meant it! Accompanying his performance was a zany light show, with shapes and patterns spinning all around the stage, one of which we’re pretty sure was a red snipers dot just praying for one shot. He dodged the bullet on the night, but he wasn’t so lucky during the second installment, when the voting public deemed it time to see the back of the massive air-punching pub rocker. He lost out in the sing-off. Next up for the Over-25s was Olly, who took the opportunity to do some bodypopping, even though he’d smashed up his hand when he missed the twins and ended up punching a wall in the face. The crowd loves Olly. We find him a bit samey. Then, wrapping it up for Cowell’s group was Danyl, who very nearly came a cropper when Brian May (played by Cher) told him to “just be yourself” – possibly the worst piece of advice ever to ooze from the mouth of a permed guitarist. Our advice to Danyl would probably be exactly the opposite – be anyone else. Anyone else at all. Christ, even be Louis if you have to. Just please don’t be yourself. Not ever.  

Cher

Lloyd came out fighting for the boys, sporting a set of tight leather “lady pleaser” trousers, with the various strippers that make up Kandy Rain seemingly back in the show as whorish backing dancers. Like most children his age, he’d never heard of Queen before, so probably thought that Brian May was Cher (pictured). He just scraped through. Joe ,on the other hand, is flying through, even though hes been lumbered with the unfortunate accolade of being a brother figure to Cheryl Cole, which sounds nice at first, until you remember that her actual brother is a notorious glue sniffer/criminal. Someone should really explain this to him, before he continues thanking her. It’s making him look stupid. On the plus side, of the contestants, Joe looked the most like Freddie Mercury. We think he might win.

calvin harris

For the groups, it was once again the turn of John and Edward to blow everyone’s minds, which they managed by mixing Vanilla Ice with Queen, whilst further taking the opportunity to quash the raging debate about telepathy amongst twins by failing to successfully execute a simple high five. They were commended for not allowing a stage invasion by Calvin Harris (pictured) to put them off their stride, but a hunch tells us that they were probably blissfully unaware of the attack, because they were too busy lamenting the loss of a wonderful hand slapping opportunity.

Stacey

And so to the only girl, Stacey Solomon. She sang the Queen song about living for ever, and everyone really enjoyed it. Danni liked it so much that she declared Stacey to have “grown into a woman overnight.” Words which will come as sweet comfort to Stacey’s single child, Zachary. Perhaps Mummy won’t make such a blabbering tit of herself at parent’s evenings after all?

Josh Burt
About the author:
Josh has been a writer and journalist for the best part of twenty years and has written for modern staples like FHM and Cosmopolitan and The Daily Telegraph and The Sun. He has also written a small handful of so-so books that you can still buy.

One Response to X Factor: At last, the back of the afro…

  1. Picto says:

    it wasn’t an afro, it was a naff-ro.

    arf.

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