Not including this imbecile…

Like the rest of the nation, we’ll be going jungle bonkers in a week or so, once the “celebrities” have finally settled into their woodland home, to embark on a few weeks of bursting into tears, shouting at one another, and reluctantly eating wombat penises to make themselves popular again. There have been some fine moments on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!, and in the next few days we shall be doffing a corked-hat to the great contestants from years gone by. But, for today, here’s a list of the ones who should have taken the phone off the hook, and just stayed in…

Nell McAndrew

Nell McAndrew sat silently around the communal fire, never once uttering a word. Her job, presumably, was to force her way into the jungle to prove that models really can be interesting and insightful. Instead, she spent a couple of weeks occasionally bathing herself, in between staring into the middle distance, and never once expressing an opinion on anything. Three years later, she won Rear of the Year. Whilst eager photographers excitedly took snaps of her bottom, we can only assume that she was looking blankly in the other direction, without a single thought in her head. A disappointment.

Vic Reeves and Nancy Sorrell

How exciting it seemed to have a powerful celebrity couple bunking up in the jungle – him a television funny man, her an underpants model with the voice of a plumber. Yet, rather than light up the screens with their hilarious knowing banter, or plummeting the show’s innocent nature into the gutter by enjoying frenzied marital relations in the long-drop, he just shuffled around, muttering to himself, whilst she desperately attempted to fit in with the notion of celebrity. No one bought it for a second, and they were given the swift heave-ho. Shamefully for Reeves, the series was won by Joe Pasquale – which is the comedy equivalent of losing to Keanu Reeves in an act-off.

Chris Bisson

A hunch suggests that even the vast array of bugs that live in the “jungle” weren’t aware of Chris Bisson, so spent the majority of the time feasting on Anthony Worrall Thompson’s chubby corned-beef thighs instead. One of the younger members of the group that year, he appeared crippled by celebrity stage fright, spending most days nervously hiding behind a tree, occasionally whispering to his colleagues that he wasn’t going to finish his rice, if anyone fancied seconds. Before long, he was toast, never to be heard from again.

Natalie Appleton

In some ways, Natalie Appleton was a superb contestant. Notably, there was the time that she touched a tree, and yelped “Arrrghhh! I just touched a tree!”, as if she’d just accidently prodded her finger in a crocodile’s eye. But, for the most part, she was an unbearably spoilt little madam, who spent her entire experience either weeping, screaming to herself, or becoming hysterical because she thought that she’d just seen a monkey running into the shared toilets. An abominable human being, she finally stropped off home, because the wonderful public kept voting for her to do the trials. It made you proud to be British. We’re almost certain that the All Saints comeback failed because of this television appearance. Nice one, Nat.

Neil Ruddock

Football fans will have been frothing at the mouth with anticipation when it was announced that Razor Ruddock was going to be heading into the jungle. He seemed so full of life, with his half-beard, his protruding gut, and his cult hero status. In fact, it was readily assumed that he’d follow Tuffers up the celebrity ladder, win the show, become a national treasure. Then probably get his own chat show – Razor Talks, or something like that. Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be, as Razor put everyone on a humungous downer, by draping himself around the camp, occasionally grumbling, and always looking like he was just a single sneeze away from bursting into floods of tears. He could have been the new Paul Ross. But no, third out.

Dani Behr

We never in a million years expected Dani Behr to justify the existence of Ice Warriors – the preposterous teatime show that she fronted in 1998 – but she somehow managed to trump that career low with her appearance in the jungle. This, remember, was supposed to be her triumphant return to British screens, but instead she made all the impact of a dormouse punching an elephant in the shin, as she proved to be the eleventh most popular contestant that year. An unthinkably dull inclusion to proceedings.

Anthony Costa

The celebrity jungle has been responsible for a number of career revivals – Peter Andre, Tuffers, Kerry Katona. But to put things into perspective regarding Anthony Costa from the boyband Blue, six months after leaving the show, his debut album as a solo artist failed to chart. He spent his entire time in the jungle seemingly counting down the minutes before he could enjoy another Dane Bowers sex sandwich in Movida. A waste of space.

Gemma Atkinson

It’s a sad day when you’re outshone on a reality television programme by “J” from 5ive – a man who barely bothers speaking, because he even bores himself. And yet, outshine Gemma Atkinson he did, as the big-breasted actress/model/WAG trundled in to fifth place, having seemingly taken a vow of silence before heading off to entertain the nation. As with Myleene Klass a year previously, she did take the opportunity to stand under natural jungle showers in a bikini. But unlike Klass, she decided to accompany the sensual display with a brainless expression on her face.