Including how to kill one of these suckers!
It’s always a pleasure to welcome a new writer into the Interestment fold, and today is the turn of Gareth – an insightful writer who has made it his purpose to guide the nation’s gentlemen through some of life’s more perilous situations. Today, jacuzzi etiquette, pub quizzes, moths, and more…
1. Jacuzzi etiquette
- Never get naked, no matter how tempting or fit the girl opposite you is.
- Always shower before entering.
- Do not sit on top of one of the air outlets – you could do yourself an internal mischief.
- Don’t duck under the water or you risk getting your hair caught in an outlet. This might have made for a really cool episode of the 1990s hit show 999 (narrated by Michael Burke) but in real life the appeal of near drowning will wear off in an instant.
- Be careful not to slip on your way into the jacuzzi.
- Despite how much your friends have bet you, do not dive ‘bomb’ into the water. Step into it like a normal human being.
2. The perfect pub quiz team
Pub quizzes are an arena where drunkards and clever clogs unite. Here’s how to make sure you bring home that lucrative £4 bar tab. When forging your winning quiz team think quantity not quality. A team of 6+ stands a much better chance of knowing the answers to varying questions. Preferably out of that six you should have the following:
- Leader – Must make executive decisions to end blasts of bickering. Provides celebratory cigars and chooses what to do with the winning tab.
- Celebrity obsessive – Normally a female friend, who spends most of her time flicking through Heat and cyber-stalking Take That.
- Muso – Dresses like a member of U2, The Wombats, My Chemical Romance (delete as applicable). A must for the ‘guess that tune’ round.
- Boffin – Geologist, geographer, doctor, whatever. As long as they know equations and facts about the solar system they’re in – for tonight at least.
- Sporty type – Complete with sweatbands and bright white trainers the sports expert will net any football trivia and hit any cricket queries for six.
- Twat you’ll never invite again – Says ‘it’s on the tip of my tongue’ after every Q rather than admit they don’t have the foggiest what the answer is.
A word on pub quiz team names:
Choose something silly; as a general rule, the more bizarre the better. “Did I ever tell you about the night I spent with Mick Jones?” or “Spare room in eight person house available, £60 a week” are the sort of thing you want to aim for.
3. How to catch a moth
Leave an open window unattended and a scantily clad girlfriend ready for bed and you could have a Def Con 1 moth situation on your hands. Rather than prancing around the room in your boxer shorts brandishing a rolled up copy of Horse and Hound here’s how to catch the butterfly’s ugly brother in a jiffy.
Moth trap method – If you’ve got time on your hands, i.e. you’re not on a promise, build a rudimentary moth trap. Get a large-ish box and place a bright torch inside. Turn off all other lights and remove the lid of the box. Once the moth enters the box, place the lid back on top and take the box, and moth, outside.
Paper cup and magazine method – Fancy a midnight workout? Grab a paper cup – an empty mug or glass will suffice – and a flat magazine. Proceed to charge after the clumsy winged beast until you place the cup over him. Slide the magazine between wall and cup; remove moth and release back into the wild.
Evil bastard method – Steal a vacuum cleaner from your parents’ house or female flat mate. Turn on the main light of the room and shut the door. Chuck the copy of Horse and Hound to one side, strip down to your boxers and ready the vacuum nozzle. Chase the moth until you’ve the sucked the sucker to hoover bag oblivion.
4. How to have a go-slow day at work
Every dog has its day. And every office worker has a day when they can’t be bothered to lift a finger to the keyboard. When you’re having one of those days here’s how to make sure you don’t get caught out.
- Open a file up onto your main screen and don’t minimize it or click it off. Essentially it should act as your screensaver. Whenever a member of staff who might dob you in strolls past minimise or, more preferably, delete any other files or web browsers you shouldn’t be looking at outside of your lunch hour.
- Never have a blank document up on your screen. OK, so you don’t want to do any work? Well you’re going to have to do at least a couple of paragraphs or half a spreadsheet to appease any onlookers.
- Following the football scores or cricket latest? Open a web browser and reduce it to a readable size. Get rid of all the ads and unessential text.
- Sneaky iPod listening is also another way to make your go-slow day ease on by. Put your iPod in your pocket and run one of the earphones – only one, you don’t want to block out the whole office – up the inside of your shirt, out of the collar and into one ear.
- Prepare a few projects you’re working on in your head so if the boss calls you in to his or her office you can talk ad lib about several subjects if needs be.
- Preferably design to have your go-slow day at the end of the week when your boss is more likely to have buggered off home early. Monday go-slows are for the true work-daredevil and will probably result in a verbal warning, or a good caning over the photocopier.
5. What to do when you can’t remember someone’s name at a party
Unless you’re dressed like Tinkiewinkie, brandishing a party bag full of Jelly Beans and 5-years-old, the chances are partygoers won’t be wearing name badges. Devoid of tags, when title turmoil hits, you have to think quick and act fast. Here’s how to dig yourself out of the networking-name-searching-hole.
Play Poirot – Try and put pieces of the puzzle together. Ask leading questions like “are you still living where you were before?” or “how’s business?” With any luck they’ll jolt something in your memory and you’ll scream their name out loud like an enamoured lover.
Come out of the ‘I don’t know your name’ closet – Honesty is often the best policy in many walks of life and the world of the networker is no different. A simple “I know your face but I can’t recall the name” in-between grovelling for forgiveness will gloss over your ignorance unless you’re talking to your girlfriend.
Engineer an introduction – Grab the arm of someone you know as they stroll by and introduce them to the person whose name you can’t remember. The chances are the unknown person will voice their own name as they shake hands. If they don’t expect an awkward silence as your lack of name knowledge is exposed.
Use social tools – Ask for a business card or request their email address and pray to god it’s something coherent, not [email protected]. As a last resort get them to give you their phone number and as you begin to type their name ask them how they spell it. Cue the heartbreaking line, The usual way.
Gareth May is a freelance writer and journalist. His first book, 150 Things Every Man Should Know, is published by Square Peg, an imprint of Random House Books, in November 2009. Visit his website here.