These people were too good for the list. Seriously…
Sweet baby Moses, everyone is going nuts about X Factor. The voting public gets notoriously livid when they smell a rat, so Cheryl really stepped in some dog dirt last weekend when she ignored a handful of superstars, and decided that she’d include a trembling urchin one woman version of N-Dubz, and a godawful fame whore in her final three. Just how the desperately shy Liverpudlian lass is coping in such weird company, we dare not even imagine. With that in mind, here are the worst X Factor contestants of all time….
Roberta Howett, Series One
For the most part, the X Factor girls carry a relatively high standard. Not Roberta. Roberta, it’s fair to say, would barely make it to the end of the queue these days without a gobsmacked television producer suggesting that she bugger off home. Old fashioned, like a young female equivalent of David Sole with a film of angel tears in his eyes, even old grannies found her boring. As everyone knows, pop stars should be skeletal street criminals half singing/half rapping. Roberta wasn’t helped in any way by Sharon dressing her up like a babysitter.
Emily Nakanda, Series Four
When she first appeared onscreen, Emily seemed like such a sweet, well-mannered girl, with something of a young Joan Armatrading about her. She’d even died once, which made her an absolutely thrilling prospect. Unfortunately, a couple of weeks into the live shows, and youtube vids started cropping up, featuring this young Jekyll and Hyde threatening to cut people’s eyes out with shivs. Oh fuck.
Kimberley Southwick, Series Four
Kimberley was excitable, Kimberley worked in a pub. These two disarming facts would probably be enough to drive punters in the direction of another watering hole, even if it meant risking a pitch-black walk home down rape alley, and across stabby stabby car park. They just want a pint, Kimberley! Not another song! As things panned out, she was the twelfth favourite act, so she fell big bosoms first onto her sword after just one show.
Phillip Magee, Series Two
Going against the grain of other boys his age, Phillip just loved rock and roll music, which Louis took as a cue to declare him the “new Cliff Richard”, before handing him the words to Wind Beneath My Wings. He reacted to the inevitable mocking laughter and pointing from the audience by promising to ignore Louis from now on. Which he did. The following week he sang Johnny B Goode by Chuck Berry. It was awful. Everyone voted him off.
Scott Bruton, Series Five
Scott had the look of a lad who would threaten to stab you in the face if you glanced at him on a night bus. A boring singer, he was totally enraged when people didn’t vote for him, and after being bundled out in the third week, he presumably spent the rest of the weekend absolutely kicking the shit out of people.
Eoghan Quigg, Series Five
Ridiculously, Eoghan Quigg made it to third place. This is mainly ridiculous as he didn’t once raise his voice above a subdued whisper, sounding more like a mouse trying to sing a song to impress you from underneath a cup. Simon finally decided to combat this by sending on thousands of gospel singers and street dancers to gee things up whilst he stood hidden in the middle singing songs that only dogs could hear. He survived thanks to the hoards of demented grandmothers who thought he might be their grandson.
2 to Go, Series One
“He’s blind you idiots!” cried Louis. And, rather crass though it was, that was exactly the point with this twosome. She could see perfectly well, and he was totally blind. Like Ray Charles, only shit. He could also play piano, at one point he did a few semi-impressive toots on a saxophone to blow everyone’s minds. Had they managed to survive beyond the third week, he would presumably have produced a violin from his pocket and began leaping around like a mad fiddler, whilst his partner awkwardly danced around her handbag.
The Unconventionals, Series Three
Don’t be mislead by the name of this group, they were totally conventional. So conventional that one of them might actually be your dad. Unfortunately, the general public doesn’t like normal looking people. Pop stars should either be beautiful, or totally hideous (Joe Cocker, Celine Dion, Meatloaf etc…). Out in the first week.
Bad Lashes, Series Five
Bad Lashes made the mistake of trying to be a little bit edgier than most girl groups. Something they achieved by wearing thrilling emblazoned t-shirts, and squeezing themselves into leggings instead of cute little puffball skirts. It’s a trick that might have worked well for a cool-chick-combo like All Saints back in the olden days, but these are the 90s baby! Get with the programme. Doing Wonderwall was a mistake.
Chico Slimani, Series Two
Nothing could dent Chico’s popularity for a time. Even pictures of him dangling his goat herder’s penis in women’s faces were greeted with a comedy tut, and someone dramatically going, “that Chico is fucking crazy!”. He could do no wrong. So much so that he was even granted permission to perform one of his own songs, based on his Forsyth catchphrase: “What time is it?”. Then you clap hysterically and go: “Chico time!”. Hindsight is a glorious thing, and on restudying his work on the show, one thing became glaringly obvious – he was rubbish.
Kerry McGregor, Series Three
As you might be able to tell by the picture, she was a cheerful lady, that Kerry McGregor. You might also decipher from her surname that she was Scottish . What you might not be able to tell is that Kerry is sitting in a wheelchair, which served to inspire other people in wheelchairs to sing. So far, so brilliant. Unfortunately she wasn’t very good. She lasted three shows before Cowell and co wheeled her to the top of a steep incline and nudged her chair accidentally-on-purpose.
Daniel Evans, Series Five
Quite possibly the worst singer to ever make it to the live finals. So, how did he make it so far? Well, for two reasons really. Firstly, because every time he opened his mouth to sing, the female judges started crying. And secondly, because he dedicated every single song to his late wife. Once everyone was over the shared grieving process, he was toast. Simon hated him.