One made it, one didn’t…
And so the Ashes has come to a glorious end, and now there’s just the small matter of a one-day series that no one really cares about. The players have done what they wanted to do, so expect a lot of half-hearted wafts at the ball, and moments when the batsman isn’t even looking when the ball is bowled. Fielders near the boundary might conceivable just wander off the pitch. No one cares. No one. Still, the test series was brill, and this would probably be the ultimate Ashes compilation team. As decided by us…
1. Andrew Strauss, England
Strauss gets in, but not as captain. He scored more than anyone else, even with a tight leather necklace on throughout the series, with a ring on it, digging right into his throat. That makes his 161 at Lords all the more impressive.
2. Shane Watson, Australia
It was a close one for the second opening spot, but Watson just out-muscles Katich, mainly because he looks a bit like Patrick Swayze. He also scored three half centuries, which isn’t bad for a man who looks like Patrick Swayze. That’s right – Patrick Swayze. He looks like Partick Swayze.
3. Ricky Ponting, Australia
Unfortunately for England, the minute someone is asked to bat third, their knees start knocking together, their arms turn to rubber, and the bat morphs into a heavy truncheon made of lead. Hence, Ponting was the only choice. He does, however, also get the nod as captain, thanks to his hilarious way of speaking in post-match interviews. It’s just a big long stream of words. No pauses.
4. Jonathan Trott, England
He played just one match, and in it he became only the second Englishman after Strauss to score a century in the series. Hence his Ashes average of 80. As with so many great starters, he will now get promoted to batting at three. Cue jelly-legs.
5. Michael Clarke, Australia
Despite having the facial expression of a man who has been trapped in an airtight horse manure manufacturing machine for most of his life – or at least until the wind changed – Michael Clarke seems like a friendly young man. So friendly that he scored two 100s and two 50s in just five matches. Pretty good going.
6. Matt Prior, England (wkt)
His opposite number, Haddin, might have scored more runs, but the manner in which Prior got his just edged it. His strike rate of 81.81 is impressive, and his “glove work” was also pretty tasty. Whatever that means.
7. Andrew Flintoff, England
It was never in doubt really. Even with knackered knees, Freddie had a few fine moments – the five wickets at Lords, the run out at the Oval. And, really, that’s it. The second best all-rounder of the series.
8. Stuart Broad, England
The best all-rounder of the series. He makes the side for getting 18 wickets, and a couple of decent half centuries. He does have the look of a rather snotty high achiever, but he can be forgiven that. Needs to start eating heavily if he really wants to be the New Flintoff.
9. Mitchell Johnson, Australia
Arrived in England as the most feared bowler on the planet, then quickly became the object of much crowd lampooning. He was pretty rubbish in the first couple of tests, then suddenly he got quite good. In fact, even when he was awful he took wickets. Smirks a lot.
10. Graeme Swann, England
The only spinner of any note throughout the series, he also had a couple of decent goes with the bat. He looks ever so slightly like Marcus from Big Brother minus the massive side burns and hillbilly haircut. Actually, on closer inspection, he hardly looks like him at all.
11. Ben Hilfenhaus, Australia
The cricket equivalent of a dinner party guest’s silent husband, who has become seriously wealthy and successful despite never having anything to say, nor ever having made a single other human being smile. Even for a second. And yet, the highest wicket taker in the series. Dependable.